Dating is the pits—there's no two ways about it. Single life requires you to constantly primp (and sometimes pimp) yourself on the off chance that you'll find someone who's willing to give you a shot, only to wind up at home by yourself, 60 bucks poorer and eating takeout, before repeating the process the very next night. Meanwhile, it seems like everyone else on the planet is reveling in their disgusting couplings and weekend trips to Bed Bath & Beyond.
Not many TV shows have captured the torture of bachelor(ette)hood like FXX's excellent freshman comedy Man Seeking Woman, which heightens the horror thanks to sequences played out in the world of hyperexaggerated metaphor. And now that Season 1 is over (don't worry, the show has already been renewed for Season 2), it's time to look back on the most fantastical, imaginative, and absurd Man Seeking Woman scenes that illustrated just how awful, treacherous, and bewildering the dating world can be.
10. Late Night With Mrs. Greenberg
When: Episode 8, "Branzino"
Real-world scenario: You've survived three different dates with someone new, and in your delirious, love-addled brain, that means it's time to introduce your potential soulmate to your mom. WHY!? Because logic and sensibility are lost on you thanks to the illusion that happiness has entered your otherwise empty life. Naturally, your mom is all up in your business, so all you can do is cross your fingers and hope she doesn't hate your S.O. while your dad just sits there.
How Man Seeking Woman played it: Josh and his girlfriend appeared on a late-night talk show hosted by his mom, who conducted the most awkward of interviews. Josh's dad played a mean bass as the bandleader of a bunch of old dudes. It was funny.
9. Cohabitating and Conjoined
When: Episode 8, "Branzino"
Real-world scenario: Someone tolerates you, and you tolerate them. Congratulations, it's time to move in together! But wait, you've only known each other for a month? Who cares, you get along so well when you do hang out that cohabitation will be great. It worked for every couple on The Bachelor, right? WRONG.
How Man Seeking Woman played it: Josh and his new girlfriend opted to be surgically conjoined and relished their time together during the honeymoon phase. But that passed. Quickly.
8. Third-Wheel Outing
When: Episode 7, "Stained"
Real-world scenario: Your annoying couple friends drag your dateless ass out on the town against your will when you'd rather be at home playing Call of Duty, and it's super obvious that you're the awkward loser single person tagging along while your pals make out and fart candy hearts. Real fun, guys.
How Man Seeking Woman played it: Josh's sister Leo and her boyfriend invited Josh out for some fun, and their plans involved the ultimate in two-person activities: professional figure skating. Josh flopped around on the ice and pretended to respond to text messages while Liv and her boyfriend performanced a flawless, in-sync routine.
7. Cupid Gives Josh a Freebie
When: Episode 5, "Sizzurp"
Real-world scenario: For some reason the laws of reality looked the other way and an incredibly attractive, out-of-your-league someone actually likes you. Don't question their judgment or the rules of an obviously drunk and careless universe, just grab him/her and squeeze in as much bouncy bouncy as you can, because this will never happen again.
How Man Seeking Woman played it: Rappin' and sizzurp-sippin' Cupid had a breakthrough and decided to stop helping DJs and other undeserving assholes get laid. Instead, he turned his life around by giving nice guys a chance at love, declaring, "And I'm gonna start right now by hooking up the world's biggest loser with some super hot chick. Good luck, loser dumbass." *THWOCK* Minka Kelly. MINKA FRICKIN' KELLY.
6. Scared Straight By Husband for Life
When: Episode 6, "Gavel"
Real-world scenario: You finally find a person (or animal, or whatever; no judgments here) you like and your single friends can see that things are getting serious. Too serious. INTERVENTION TIME!
How Man Seeking Woman played it: Josh was kidnapped and bussed out to the suburbs, where guest-star Jon Daly—playing a man who was halfway through a lifetime sentence of marriage—tried to scare guys straight back into bachelorhood.
5. Booze Giveth and Booze Taketh Away in the Drunken Hookup
When: Episode 3, "Pitbull"
Real-world scenario: You made it out! You met some sexy singles! And in order to have a good time you imbibed the social lubricant known as alky-hall and found another drunken mess who was willing to let you touch them. Except... things didn't exactly go as planned. Far be it from a virile man such as myself to understand the alleged phenomenon known as "whiskey dick," but apparently it exists, and it crushes sexual performance. Dagnabbit.
How Man Seeking Woman played it: After pounding drinks all night long, Josh went home with Krystal (guest-star Emily Hampshire, you you may've recognized from Syfy's 12 Monkey) for some bow-chicka-wow-wow, but was horrified to learn that he was smooth as a Ken doll below. Oops, he'd left his dick at the bar like a forgotten credit card! This particularly scene also gifted us with the lines of the season, uttered by guest-star Tim Heidecker, who played the bartender: "Hey buddy, how do you think I feel? I just wrestled a pitbull for a shit-covered dick," and the runner-up, "Hey, here are your dicks."
4. Married Girls' Tea Party
When: Episode 9, "Teacup"
Real-world scenario: You think YOU have it tough in the dating world? Try being a single woman in her 30s! Or a single woman who's close to her 30s. So the axiom goes. I wouldn't know, I'm not a woman, I'm married and I'm in my 70s.
How Man Seeking Woman played it: In the brilliantly flip-flopped "Teacup," Man Seeking Woman became Woman Seeking Man as Josh's sister Liv (Britt Lower) re-entered the dating scene... in her very late 20s. While surrounded by pre-tweens at a tea party, Liv discovered that almost all of them were already married and that she was essentially a large pile of dust waiting to fill an urn alone. Classic line from one princess partier: "I'm in my late single-digits and I'm still the single girl at the tea party. I try to stay positive, but man, I'm in a dark place."
3. On Trial for Boyfriend Misconduct
When: Episode 6, "Gavel"
Real-world scenario: Guys, y'all are pigs! And some of you ladies are, too. You just met someone you really like, so of course your old flame comes knocking at the door for the sweetest of forbidden fornication: EX SEX! You mentally wrestle with yourself over what constitutes cheating, inching closer and closer to guilt until it's too late and the evidence is enough to get you thrown in adulterer jail.
How Man Seeking Woman played it: When Josh's ex-girlfriend Maggie showed up on his stoop while he was prepping for a romantic dinner of quinoa and portobellos with his new lady, Josh saw an opportunity he couldn't resist and let her in. That was your first mistake, Josh. A few glasses of wine later, the two former lovers were cuddling up on the couch. Uh-oh! Then, in an attempt to justify his skeeziness, Josh appeared in court before a judge (played by the amazing Marc Evan Jackson) to argue the legal definition of "cheating," with each subsequent appearance in court weakening his argument. GUILTY.
2. Text Message Emergency Squad
When: Episode 2, "Traib"
Real-world scenario: You did it! You finally got someone's number! The hard part is over! Or is it? What do you say in your first round of text correspondence to follow up without sounding like a creepy stalker, a desperate loser, or a total douchebag? And why doesn't anyone else understand the agony of waiting for a response after the message is sent?
How Man Seeking Woman played it: After meeting a nice young lady on the train, Josh sought help in stringing together the perfect combination of words and emoji to officially ask her out. His friend Mike suggested sending a dick pic; his sister Liv recommended some pompous, lame-o goofiness. But it was guest-star Michael Hogan who stole the scene by approaching the situation as if it marked the onset of World War III. I know I said earlier that Heidecker had the line of the season, but I lied. It was Hogan's "Text JK! TEXT JK!!!"
1. If I Could Turn Back Time (a.k.a. the Desperate Cry of a Person Who Couldn't Get It Right the First Time)
When: Episode 10, "Sceptre"
Real-world scenario: Surrounded by a pile of empties and sadness, you ponder what could've been if you'd just done that one thing differently with that girl who dumped you.
How Man Seeking Woman played it: Time-travel pills! Josh jumped backward in time and changed one thing: a birthday present he bought for his ex-girlfriend Maggie. The results in the future were more than he could've hoped for; not only was she still with him, but they were still in love. Except then he continued going back in time to fix a few more small things, slowly transforming his future self into a model boyfriend for Maggie, but also into a person who clearly wasn't him. Also, the world was controlled by a malicious sex-crazed alien named Trackanon.
What was your favorite moment from Man Seeking Woman's first season, and which of these scenarios are you all too familiar with?