Lileks: Is the undie swap dirty dealing?
On April 6, you can bring used underwear to a Duluth Trading Co. store, and they will not call the police. They will take it, and give you a pair of "Buck Naked" underwear in return.
I'm not going there unless I see a guy outside in a hazmat suit with 6-foot tongs and a portable incinerator.
"Wear 'em in, carry 'em in, schlep 'em in, we don't care how you bring them, just dig in your drawer for a pair of expired underwear and trade them 'up' at your local Duluth Trading store," said Ricker Schlecht, senior vice president of product development.
Ahem. One does not schlep underwear. It's like saying "I've been lugging this handkerchief around all day" or "I'm tired from dragging this sock from here to there." I think the term we should use is schlecht, as in: "I schlechted an unlaundered unmentionable to the store."
The press release calls Buck Naked "virally popular." This is one of those terms that would've been confusing 20 years ago. It's confusing today.
Does the underwear give you a virus, or prevent them? If it's the latter, sure, sign me up, but underwear that gives me a cold in the groinal regions doesn't sound fun. You might trumpet out some conspicuous blast while shifting about in one's seat, then say, "Sorry, came down with viral underwear, but I don't think I'm contagious."
I would prefer anti-viral underwear, because you wouldn't have to stay home for three days after you put it on.
You might wonder if the Buck Naked brand has a story. Because every proud product has to have a story. You can't just say, "Here's some underwear. It's durable and it won't ride up like someone cinched the band to a bottle rocket." No, it usually goes like this:
"Back in 1997, two college friends realized that underwear was boring. Why not make it fun as well as functional? So they started a company named after their friend Nuck, who was always stoned, and called it Nuck Baked.
"Through word of mouth, their popularity grew, and soon their colorful underwear, with its patented anti-auto-wedgie feature, was appearing in major department stores, mostly because they would just sneak it in and leave it on the changing room floor.
"Today, Nuck Baked continues to stand for comfort and style. Of course, the founders were edged out of the company long ago by a hostile board."
I'm relieved to report that there is no story. The website does relate the corporate story for Duluth Trading, whereupon you learn that it is based in Wisconsin. It was founded in Duluth, but now it's in Mount Horeb, which sounds like a place named by someone who read the Bible and "Lord of the Rings" at the same time.
Anyway, back to the underwear. I feel sorry for the employees. Imagine getting up and realizing today is the day when strangers show up with their underwear and want you to take it from them.
I can imagine there will be a lot of Commandos, for whom the lack of underwear is a defining characteristic, who will protest the obvious discrimination. And some creep with My Little Pony Underoos. Plus a guy who sees the Duluth sign and starts singing "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald" with modified lyrics:
"The legend lives on from the Munsingwear down
Of the big briefs they called tighty-whiteys!
The pair, some would fear, might just split in the rear
When the butts of old dudes get too wide-y!
Duluth, it is said, never gives up for dead
A pair that can go for two, three days.
Laundry's a chore and who're you doin' it for
Fling it into the closet where it lays.
Does anyone know where the pod of soap goes
When the Hanes turn from clean white to dingy?
The ladies all swoon over Fruit of the Loom
But if it's pink that is suddenly cringey.
You washed them with towels that were colored bright red
And now your new drawers are all rose-hued.
How were you to know that the colors would flow
It's not a good look for a real dude.
Superior, it's said ... "
Oh, shut up and take your underwear and go.
