35 Funny Tweets By Parents Last Month That Are So, So, So, So, Soooooo Outrageously Hilarious

If you need a preschooler to slow down, you don't say "slow down" you say "hop like a bunny" and tbh this strategy works on everyone of every age for every instruction

— sarah (@sarahradz_) February 28, 2024

Realizing I have started to talk about preschool viruses I’ve contracted like a disease sommelier “Flu was more like an intense, full-body thing, but RSV was more back of the palate, dry…”

— girl fieri (@realgirl_fieri) February 8, 2024

Daughter: 🎶my mom is so pretty, she’s the best mom🎶Me: best song I’ve ever heard, keep going!Daughter: 🎶and she’s getting older and won’t be here soon🎶Me: …….

— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) February 29, 2024

My 6yo got home from school and crawled into bed with a tube of pringles, so I guess it was a rough day in kindergarten

— meghan (@deloisivete) February 21, 2024

Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.

— @itssherifield (@itssherifield) February 29, 2024

when my teenager was diagnosed w/ADHD, the therapist talked to us about how ADHD manifests differently in girls, and as she read through the list, every single one of us turned to my ex husband and all at once were like OMG YOU HAVE ADHD BUT FOR GIRLS & he got diagnosed next lol

— Luna the Moth (@LunaTheMoth) February 19, 2024

Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to catch up on emails from your school

— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) February 29, 2024

keep reaching for the fuckin’ stars, billy. pic.twitter.com/MF0R3kUA7B

— NurseBrianRN (@rn_murse) February 29, 2024

My 5yo: I AM GOING TO TELL YOU A STORY ABOUT A DRAGON AND LETTUCE.Me *after ten minutes of story*: Let’s wrap it up, Babe.5yo: AND THEN EVERYONE DIED.Me: That’ll work.

— Courtney Ellis 🎈 (@courtneyellis) February 20, 2024

whenever i see a little kid walking around i’m like damn they really nailed it with “toddlers”

— Brandy Jensen (@BrandyLJensen) February 21, 2024

My daughter said all the kids were in school talking about whose dad would win in a race. She said that they all agreed to ask their dads to be in the race. I asked why she didn’t ask me to race. She looked at me. She looked at my stomach. Then we drove home in silence

— Khairy Creek (@KhairyCreek) February 21, 2024

My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds

— meghan (@deloisivete) February 29, 2024

No. Target. No. pic.twitter.com/Q39adp3gui

— AlisonIsBossy (@AlisonIsBossy) February 20, 2024

Being a parent to a toddler is messing with my vocab. Told someone that I was sorry I was late because I got stuck waiting on a choo choo train to pass

— Trey (@treydayway) February 18, 2024

Good news! My 8YO says she is halfway done with the story she started telling last Monday

— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) February 22, 2024

My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.

— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) February 28, 2024

There's an ambulance outside as we walk into a store, and when my husband says that someone must be sick or hurt, my 7yo loudly proclaims, "BUT WHY would they 𝙗𝙧𝙞𝙣𝙜 them to Walmart?!"

— Lil Bit 🌈 (@LizerReal) February 20, 2024

I went boohooing to my mom and Jax was like “why were you crying on Grandma like that?” I had to explain how like when he wants to cuddle when he is upset and he was like “She’s like your …mom?”

— Yamber Rose (@Tendin2) February 28, 2024

Please keep my 10 yo in your thoughts and prayers this morning. He has to take a shower and it has "ruined his life's plans".

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) February 22, 2024

9yo (frustrated and crying): I just want to read my book, but I keep having to talk to people and do chores!

— Annie Morgan (@annie_m_morgan) February 18, 2024

My 7yo strapped this abomination into my shopping cart.I'm getting looks. pic.twitter.com/zPQs2LgGic

— Lil Bit 🌈 (@LizerReal) February 26, 2024

with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus

— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) February 21, 2024

My 5yo: AT SCHOOL IF YOU BE NAUGHTY YOU HAVE TO SIT IN A CHAIR AND I AM NOT NAUGHTY BUT I WANTED TO SIT IN THE CHAIR SO I BE CRAZY AND THE TEACHER TOLD ME TO SIT IN THE CHAIR Me:5yo: WASN’T EVEN FUN IN THE CHAIR. GUESS I’M DONE WITH THE CRAZY

— Courtney Ellis 🎈 (@courtneyellis) February 14, 2024

my son at 2 years old had a muffin phase—I had to (as did daycare) show him pics of muffins for him to fall asleep https://t.co/xHZHHYUqYg

— hamberger helpmeet (@madihamberger) February 20, 2024

Rival dad next door and his family are moving today. So I'm sitting out front judging his u-haul tetris stacking abilities and giving a disapproving groan when he does something wrong.

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) February 23, 2024

The kids need bigger shoes, so we were snuggled up, browsing online. The 8-year-old turns, inches from my face, & asks, “ARE WE CONSUMERS?” I say yes, and he nods. They’ve talked about it at school. The 6-year-old pipes in and asks casually, “Does that word mean we eat people?”

— Kiss my Fat Ash🍑 (@Tobi_Is_Fab) February 24, 2024

Watching an episode of Cocomelon where two kids are having a playdate and the two dads are riding a tandem bike together so wait a sec who’s really having the playdate here.

— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) February 20, 2024

When the kids are finally asleep and you get some me time pic.twitter.com/NJGM8IB3JE

— meghan (@deloisivete) February 12, 2024

My niece on the phone with her lil friend and i guess they ask what she doing, and she say in the car with my auntie. The the way she said auntie sounded like old bitch lite,💀 so she gonna clarify and say "but she not old she 27 with a ginger bob" somehow she made it worse😭😭😭

— Tittygate 2023 (@jiggyjayy2) February 24, 2024

Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.

— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) February 19, 2024

What are the funniest things people on this site have accused you of being a bad parent for? Mine's a toss-up between "watching Bones with my 3 day old baby (too much screen time)" and "sending my 3yo to a school where the teachers help him go potty (not enough privacy)"

— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) February 20, 2024

WOULDNT IT BE TRAGIC IF DAD JOKES WERE REALLY JUST MOM JOKES, BUT REPEATED BY A DAD MORE LOUDLY? https://t.co/eA5593KsdL

— Sam "One-Wheel" O'Neil (@OneWheelONeil) February 15, 2024

Not to brag but my daughter ate the fruit I packed in her lunch today. pic.twitter.com/cCRocEkbpl

— @itssherifield (@itssherifield) February 19, 2024

My wife can seriously find stuff blindfolded. The other day, my 6yo was crying because she lost her toothpaste, so my other kids and I helped her look, and it turned into mayhem. My wife showed up and told my 6yo “It’s in your hand.”What kind of sorcery is this?

— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) February 22, 2024

Exhausted Parent PSA-The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.

— mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) February 21, 2024

my daughter was telling me that a dad from preschool has no hair because he saw something scary and got so scared that his hair ran away and i was like, “oh that’s funny” and she said “it’s not funny mom, it’s SAD”

— amil (@amil) February 24, 2024