Is Kate Middleton secretly holed up at Trump's Mar-a-Lago resort? Yes, absolutely.

Because I have a computer and access to the internet, it's my First Amendment duty to share a theory about Kate Middleton, the out-of-the-public-eye-for-too-long Princess of Wales: She is holed up at Donald Trump’s Mar-a-Lago resort in Florida, and she and Melania Trump are, in fact, the same person.

More on that logical conclusion in a moment.

Since January, the lamestream media, assisted by the Royal Deep State, has peddled an outlandish tale of the princess having “a planned abdominal surgery” and then making “good progress” while recovering and wanting to “maintain as much normality for her children as possible” while also hoping that her “personal medical information remains private.” That certainly sounds suspicious.

A lack of Princess Kate sightings following the operation sparked a slew of wild conspiracy theories about her health, the surgery itself and even marriage infidelity. Into that tornado of speculation, the princess tossed a family photo that had clearly been altered, birthing a thousand new lines of questioning.

TMZ video showing Kate Middleton is reassuring – or is it?

Then celebrity gossip site TMZ released a video that appeared to show the princess and her husband, Prince William, out shopping. Case closed … is what the Royal Deep State would like us to think.

TMZ executive producer Charles Latibeaudiere quickly began doubting the video his site had publicized, saying: “My gut feeling was it was her, but then I saw comments and things that people are posting about why they don’t think it’s her and they have some points – her height compared to William, where her eye-line is when she is looking at him normally, some things about her chin ... even the way she walks.”

“Comments and things” are all I need to doubt whether something is real, so it seems clear nobody knows exactly where Kate has gone.

Nobody except me.

Enough with the conspiracies. My Kate Middleton theory makes sense.

Now I despise conspiracy theories. They’re the playground of small-minded nobodies with far too much time on their hands. And honestly, it seems wildly distasteful to speculate on the personal life of a public figure.

Which is why I'm so happy I was able to rise above all the mindless speculation and arrive at this ironclad theory about Kate's personal life.

The TRUTH behind the Kate Middleton mystery

What’s the one place no one has mentioned when discussing the princess' whereabouts? That easy. It’s former president Donald Trump’s Mar-a-Lago resort in Florida.

Why do I suspect Kate is hiding out there? Because she has not been seen there, and that’s PRECISELY what a member of the royal family would want if she was hiding out at one of Trump’s resorts – complete invisibility.

Miami cancels spring break: DeSantis sends state troopers to halt Florida spring break crime. What about Trump's Mar-a-Lago?

The next obvious question is: Why would Kate be there in the first place and not in England with her alleged family?

Guess who's going to help Donald Trump pay his bond?

The first reason, of course, is that Trump is in desperate need of about $450 million to pay a bond so he can appeal the massive judgement in his New York business fraud case. It struck me as odd that Trump is constantly bragging about his enormous wealth yet can’t pony up the bond money. I’ve never known the man to lie, so the logical assumption is that the money he’s referring to is, in fact, the vast fortune of the British royals.

Trump says he can't pay New York bond: Rich-guy Donald Trump can't find money for bond? How about a MAGA bake sale?

Which leads us to the next snug-fitting piece of the puzzle: Kate Middleton and Trump’s wife Melania ARE THE SAME PERSON.

The Melania Trump, Kate Middleton similarities are curious indeed

For starters, as much as British royal watchers rarely see Kate, American Trump-watchers rarely see Melania. She hasn’t been at any of her husband’s indictments or trials, nor has she been on the campaign trail with him. It’s possible she doesn’t like him very much, but wouldn’t it make more sense to assume she’s just in England most of the time fulfilling her royal duties?

Also – and this is important – Trump recently told a British interviewer: “I’m a big fan of the concept of the royal family and the royal family.”

Coincidence? I think not.

And have we ever seen Kate and Melania in the same place at the same time? I’m not going to look up an answer to that because I’m too busy explaining why my Princess Kate theory is right.

Royals are not supposed to be happy. Get over it, Harry.

Let's put the Princess Kate conspiracies to rest and agree I'm right

To sum it up, Kate Middleton is safe and sound at Mar-a-Lago, probably admiring some of the gold-plated stuff and whatnot. She will help her husband, Donald Trump, with the bond money and then resume the rigors of her dual role as “Melania Trump” and “the Princess of Wales.”

Hopefully this will put to rest all those ludicrous conspiracy theories and afford Kate/Melania the privacy she deserves.

Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on X, formerly Twitter, @RexHuppke and Facebook facebook.com/RexIsAJerk

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This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Where is Kate Middleton? Put the royal conspiracy theories to rest