Justin Bieber Promises He'll Never Smoke Weed Again
Justin Bieber hosted Saturday Night Live last night and tried to do his best Justin Timberlake impression -- or, more to the point, he pretended to have personality. So, how convincing was he? Not very! He also addressed those pesky reports of him smoking weed.
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The crowd was full of screaming girls and they helped keep the Biebs near his comfort zone for most of the night. He barely got ten words into his monologue before the music started, so he could sing and they could scream. Because Bieber can't talk for longer than 30 seconds without some sort of melody. If their goal is to convince us he's a real person and not just a vessel for pop music, well, this isn't the best start. Anyway, the Biebs is celebrating February for being "that special time of year" -- black history month. Did you think he was talking about Valentine's Day, because you want to be his girlfriend? That's the joke. Unfortunately he knows nothing about black history. (Denzel Washington did not invent the peanut.) Eventually he chooses Whoopi Goldberg to be the girl of his dreams, because black people.
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Of course the show was going to tackle the Super Bowl black out. They got it out of the way early, thankfully. To be completely honest this sketch won us over despite a snooze-inducing first two minutes. Somewhere around the time Bill Hader shows up for a Super Bowl commercial, this sketch really starts to pick up. Jay Pharoah shines as Shannon Sharpe, who was also the only highlight of the longest 34 minutes of my life. You should probably watch the whole thing. We promise you'll be giggling by the end.
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Oh, hey, did you know that Justin Bieber is young and pretty and people want to have sex with him? The SNL writers do. (Also: WTF, Bobby Moynihan?)
The Bieber-as-dumb-Danny-from-Grease sketch was also very aware that people want to have sex with Justin Bieber. Are you noticing a theme yet? He's particularly wooden here. The way he's holding his arms makes him look so uncomfortable. Poor kid, he's not used to being on stage and performing for a crowd of like a hundred people...
Oh, and there was a Californians sketch.
This is one of the rare sketches where Bieber seemed comfortable. Weirdly, he was playing a virginal, abstinence-promoting teenager who organized/ruined your school dance. So, the opposite of real Bieber. But he's funny here, and he makes it seem like he "gets jokes," which is more than we can say of the rest of his performance last night.
Okay, so, this is the sketch where the Bieber-bot is supposed to come across as "self-aware." Miley cyrus has her own TV show, and Bieber plays the President of the Miley Cyrus fan club. "You're light years better than that douche, Justin Bieber," he says, sucking up to his idol. And the rest of the sketch was basically written by Bieber's P.R. team. There's a brief little "he looks like a lesbian!" joke, because the Beiber-bot is convincing us he has a sense of humor about himself. And then it's full-press Bieber P.R. "I also heard he got busted for smoking weed, and he's really sorry about it and people make mistakes and he's never going to do it again," Bieber says, as the President of the Miley Cyrus fan club. "Yeah, right, me too!" she says.
Everyone believes you Justin. We know you're never going to smoke weed again. Your eyes look that faded all the time because of all the hard work you're doing. Yep, no drugs. Just work. That's all you're doing. If you're ever doing anything it's certainly not doing drugs, because you would never do drugs again. Right. Got it. Totally convinced.
