Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones touched down in South Park this week to check out some water bears, a science fair project that he believed would help the NFL's declining ratings.
"Our fans are leaving at an exponential rate. We've been hit with anthem protests, protests to those protests and, worst of all, concussions. The more reports that come out, the more people are getting turned off by football," said Jones. He then explained that the NFL believed the water bears were their last hope and have been experimenting with them to try to make them football fans.
However, in order to find out if the water bears were truly the key to the NFL's survival, they had to do a little experiment, which consisted of inserting a microscopic FedEx box into the bowl of water. Just as they hoped, the water bears showed interest in the box and within seconds, were dressed in Broncos, Rams and Packers paraphernalia. Unfortunately, the new mad-at-life Heidi decided to put an end to the tardigrades for her own reasons. So, Jerry Jones was forced to return to the NFL headquarters empty handed.