Jennifer Aniston to Finally Marry Again
Saints be praised. After nearly a decade of wandering this old blue globe like a keening ghost, lamenting lost love and scorning those that stole it from her, world's loneliest and saddest woman Jennifer Aniston has finally found someone to settle (down) with after losing Brad Pitt. Yes, her beau of the past 18 months, Justin Theroux, has proposed to her and she has said yes, ending the witch's curse and bringing light and joy once again to Aniston's bramble-covered castle. So how about that! Miracles do happen. For so long it seemed that Aniston, an attractive and intelligent woman with lots of money and a busy career, would be ruined, positively ruined, forever. Who would ever love lonely sad dump Jennifer Aniston? But she found someone. Whether she slipped a potion into his drink or called the four corners in her dark and mysterious basement in order to hex his love, it does not matter. The point is she defied the odds. We all thought that Brad Pitt salted her earth after he left so nothing else could grow, but we were wrong. Somehow, we were wrong. So congratulations, Jen. But be careful. Dark clouds are gathering in the east, as Angelina Jolie sits in a heavy wooden chair in her French chateau, reading the news and saying, in a low almost-growl, "Oh really..." [Us Weekly]
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Uh oh. From an impossibly happy love story to one that Jennifer Aniston knows all too well: A betrayal! So, remember when Anderson Cooper came out last month? Yeah, after like years of speculation he confirmed what we alllll knew for soooo long and said that he was a gay person who is gay, and we were all "Ohhkayyy." And then we all could finally openly talk about Cooper's longtime hunkfriend Ben Maisani. Just like that, it was a known thing that Cooper had a longterm boyfriend, even though, of course, we'd only "known" he was gay for like a day. Anyway, the point is that over the weekend Maisani was photographed in a New York City park kissing another man. Yuppp. Right there, in plain view. In the photos, Maisani, who owns a gay bar or two in the East Village (definitely Eastern Bloc, but maybe also Bedlam? But is that really even gay anymore? It kinda got taken over by the Dorrian's crowd), is smooching another fellow for all to see. So what's happening here? Is there trouble in the firehouse? Or do Cooper and Maisani have one of those modern-style open relationships? Or was Maisani just, y'know, making out with a friend in the park, you know how some... friends... do... Oh OK, no, this looks pretty bad. Maybe it's time Cooper has Robert Pattinson on for a special edition of the Ridiculist where the two just weep together. [Daily Mail]
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Oooohhh. The Olympics may be over, but Olympics romances are not! It seems that 2010 gold medalist figure skater Evan Lysacek was seen having a romantic dinner with actual female Nastia Liukin, a 2008 gold medalist in gymnastics, while the two were in London for these most recent games. The pair was said to be dating back in 2010, but that was believed to be over. Their recent dinner behavior would seem to suggest otherwise! They were "flirty" and "holding hands" while they ate sushi on Canary Wharf. So that would be quite a power couple! Meanwhile, Lysacek's longtime rival Johnny Weir was spotted riding the hands of the Big Ben clocktower, laughing like a raven, throwing fur shawls and high-heeled shoes at pedestrians below, then singing an old Russian fairy tale song as he flew off into the night. [Page Six]
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Yowza. Country field mouse and international superstar Miley Cyrus has taken a Twitter photo of herself sporting a new, drastic haircut. She's blonde now, and has a short, piece-y wild 'do that looks like something from The Fifth Element. Or like something from Hackers or The Matrix. It's a 1990s movie's vision of the future, basically. Which is not a bad thing! It's kind of a fun look. Not the most practical look, she'll certainly be wearing wigs forever if she books any movies, but other than that, sure, why not. We could ask what her fiance Liam Hemsworth thinks of it, but who cares what he thinks of it. That ain't his beeswax. This is strictly Miley's beeswax and that's what matters. Speaking of beeswax, is that what's in your hair, Miley? Because damn. [Twitter]
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For those of you saying oh poor Lindsay Lohan, literally poor Lindsay Lohan where has all her money gone, well quit yer bellyachin'. It seems that Ms. Lohan is likely to rake in something like $2 million this year. Yup. Between her salary for the Lifetime movie Liz & Dick ($300,000), her fee for appearing in Playboy ($1 million), her scale pay for Bret Easton Ellis' The Canyons ($6,480), and her planned appearance in Scary Movie 5 ($200,000), she'll make off pretty well. OK, sure, it's maybe not the most dignified way to make $2 million, but it's not the least, either. I mean, she's not a lobbyist or an actor on The Big Bang Theory or anything. So, yeah, it could be a lot worse. Here's hoping she spends it the right way. We have a suggested plan: 1) Pay off those pesky student loans from Middlebury. 2) Call Tito in Simi Valley and tell him you have the money for that thing so let Ali go. 3) Finally fix that bumper. All practical ways to spend that money. [TMZ]
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New Republican VP candidate pick Paul Ryan's wife Janna says that Paul and Mitt are gonna have a lot of fun together. She says, "Paul is someone who goes with the flow and has one of the sunniest demeanors and most positive outlooks of anyone I've ever met. So I'd say Mitt'll probably have a lot of fun with him." Oh, great. That'll be nice for both of them! Mitt's such a fun-lovin' guy, after all. Janna then went on to add, "Sure there's the nightly praying and chanting in front of the Ayn Rand shrine, and then sometimes he goes around stealing Pell grant acceptance letters from poor kids' mailboxes, and OK, yeah, once in a while he's been known to bury an old person while they're still alive or rob a hobo, but that stuff can all be fun! And productive, you know? He's always fighting the deficit. Always." She paused, shivered a bit. "Always..." [People]
