When Infertility Threatens a Marriage

The Atlantic
Updated

A reader writes:

I’m 36 and I’ve been struggling with infertility for a bit over a year now. I say “I” because from my point of view, this is much more my problem than my husband’s (yes, he’s had tests done and all is normal). I know many men are as heartbroken as their partners over trying to conceive, but that hasn’t been my experience, nor my friends’. My husband loves me and wants me to be happy, but it’s very simple for him to say “we’ll adopt” or “we’ll have a baby some way; you’ll be a mother.” It’s very different to be the one who feels that her body doesn’t work; who doesn’t feel like a woman; who feels as if life is passing her by every day that passes without a baby.

I feel guilt and anger every day about waiting so long to try to get pregnant; anger at my husband for persuading me to wait until we were 35 to start trying; anger at myself for listening to him when having a family is my life’s goal.

I also struggle with jealousy. (“Oh! We weren’t even trying to get pregnant!”) A good friend of mine is 42 and is about to have a baby girl via IVF. I think of her every day and hope that I am just so lucky.

That reader’s marriage doesn’t seem to be imperiled, but we’ve heard from other readers about the damage that infertility can inflict on a couple. Rachel has seen it secondhand:

I’ve known a few people who have done IVF. What people don’t talk about much is the high level of divorce correlated with the procedure. Couples are three times more likely to divorce [at least according to this 2014 study of Danish couples]. The impact of the hormones often leads women to have harder time moderating feelings, and feeling out of control is compounded with an impact on sex drive that reduces the sexual relationship to mechanics. [This 2010 study from Stanford backs up that last assertion.]

It’s an interesting choice: your marriage or a child.

The high cost of IFV—for example, one of our readers spent $15,000 on it and related measures—undoubtedly strains a marriage as well. Has infertility ruined, or nearly ruined, your marriage? If so, and if you’d like to talk about it anonymously, please send us a note: hello@theatlantic.com.

Here’s another reader who witnessed the detrimental effects of infertility on marriage:

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This article was originally published on The Atlantic.