My husband's best friend lives with us. Can I kick him out?

Question: "My husband’s best friend has been living with him since we started dating. I moved in right after we got engaged, and a few months later we moved into our current apartment together. However, his best friend moved in too. At the time it was not an issue because we needed help with the rent, but after our wedding my husband got a job that can easily support the two of us, and I have a pretty decent paying job. His best friend told us that he would be moved out by the time we got married. But here we are almost a year and a half later, and he still lives with us.

He has plenty of places he could go and a job where he could afford his own place, but he hasn’t moved out or even attempted to move out. I’ve talked to my husband about it, and his stance is that his best friend isn’t in the mental state to be on his own and that it also threatens his job security. I’m not one to judge someone’s mental issues, but I’ve known him for years now, and I feel like most of what he does is for attention. I know he truly does struggle with depression, but he has plenty of other close friends willing to let him move in.

My husband is always feeding his need for attention and giving him anything he asks for. It has caused issues in our relationship because he will drop anything and everything to be with his best friend if he so much as lets out a sigh. I love and appreciate him for always being there for someone he is close to, but I really feel like he is just enabling him and making his dependency issues even worse. I love them both, and I don’t want to cause any issues, but all I really want is for him to move out. He’s even had the chance to move in with our other friend who lives next door. I just want a little space and privacy. Am I wrong for wanting him to move out so I can have a home for just me and my husband?"

Answer: You’re not wrong for wanting him to move out. You're a married couple trying to start a life together. Whatever you and your husband's plans are – kids, fur babies, traveling, remodeling, etc. – I’m sure it’s hard to imagine his best friend third-wheeling through all of it. Now, for my take on the real issue here:

What should I do? Unemployed husband won't take his job search seriously, has me paying his loans.

While it may be easy to blame his best friend for your current dilemma, I think it rests solely on your husband. When I began reading I initially thought, ‘OK let’s address communication; Define the issue clearly, ensure he understands what you’re asking for, and let him have a conversation with his friend to enact this change.’ However, it’s clear that this is something you’ve already tried. To me, it sounds like your husband has lost sight of, or may not have ever known, what it entails to be a partner in a marriage.

Marriage can be difficult, and while I’m not quite there myself, I have had amazing examples in my life to look up to. The common denominator that I see in these strong relationships is that spouses prioritize, support and ensure each others needs are being met before others (ex: family, friends, etc.). Your husband is currently not doing this, and I’ll ask you the question: Has he ever? He has allowed his friend to continue living with you, interrupt your activities and make you feel like you don’t come first? You mention that your husband is enabling his codependency, but it’s almost as if your husband is codependent on him as well. The excuses he’s provided (that it will affect his friend's job or mental health) seem like a cop out to me at this point.

I’m not the biggest fan of ultimatums, but I would encourage you to have an additional conversation in which you really stress the need for his friend to move out. It sounds like this is taking a negative toll on your relationship, and if your husband isn’t motivated by that, you may need to come to a decision on how you want to proceed on your own. I would also recommend couples therapy, as it may be able to help analyze patterns that lead to conflict, improve communication and establish more accountability. It also allows for a neutral person to act as a mediator and facilitate questions that may prompt insight into how this behavior isn’t the best for the longevity of your marriage, which may be just what your husband needs.

You got this,

Morgan

Morgan Absher is an occupational therapist in Los Angeles who hosts the podcast, "Two Hot Takes" where she and her co-hosts dish out advice. She writes a weekly column, sharing her advice with USA TODAY's readers. Find her on TikTok @twohottakes and YouTube here. You can reach her by email at Mabsher@gannett.com or you can click here to share your story with her.

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This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Marriage problems: Husband's friend lives with us. I need him gone