How to dress for TIFF -- no, but really

If it’s OK for Imogen Poots to wear flats on the TIFF red carpet, it’s OK for you to wear them while attending the festival (Getty Images)

We all know how this goes: TIFF descends upon our fair city, we put on an outfit, and then, from wherever it is we happen to be standing, are immediately recruited by Harvey Weinstein to be in whatever movie he wants to win Oscars because we just look so fashionable, thank you for noticing.

That is what happens. Year after year. Party after party. And all in our minds.

The truth of the matter is simple and bleak: if you are participating in TIFF – whether you’re in the media, or you’re an actor, or you’re a person who likes movies and/or famouses – you will stand a lot. A lot. Like, you might even be reading this right now and standing while you are doing so. Odds are, that’s actually the case. It’s the official festival of standing, then sitting for a while, then standing some more, and then having another stand because maybe you haven’t had enough yet.

That’s why I’ve come up with the only fashion guide you’ll need. It’s practical, it’s powerful, and it absolutely won’t get you mistake for a celebrity, or maybe it will because celebrities seem to dress pretty casually because they’re just people like us. (I know – that’s a lot to take in, but try your best.) Standing! And wearing clothes. A guide for both those things.

ALSO SEE: Naomi Watts rules the red carpet on day 1 of TIFF

1. Wear shoes that won’t ruin you physically, emotionally, or mentally

I don’t know how else to say it, but wear shoes that, should you work in retail (or if you have, or if you do), you could work an eight-hour break-free shift on Boxing Day and barely bat an eye. Those shoes. Be they flats, sneakers, loafers, oxfords – I don’t care. Wear them. Work your outfit around those shoes and then bask in the glow of knowing you won’t want to weep 14 minutes into whatever is the day is bringing you.

2. No, but I’m serious: comfortable shoes

Like, I’m not joking, here. I’m talking New Balances. Maybe some Sam Smith Adidas. Keds. Think: “If I had to run away really fast, could I do it and also survive.” Not, “I just bought these but they seemed okay in the store.” Then, the only thing you will be running away from is your own emotional trauma.

Naomi Watts at TIFF 2014 (Getty Images)

3. Bring an umbrella

And we can go right ahead and file this under, “Things I wish someone had told me once.” Is it common sense? Absolutely. Did I have it? Absolutely not. Do you? I hope so. Because September in Toronto is as temperamental as whatever-it-is-you-think-is-temperamental, and you can go into a sunny morning, and find yourself in a literal hurricane in the afternoon.

Seriously, bring an umbrella. Last year there was basically a hurricane on the “Laggies” red carpet. (Getty Images)

ALSO SEE: Natalie Portman stuns in florals at TIFF soiree

4. Avoid wool

You think this is a game? Here’s the thing about wool: if it gets wet, like, during a rainstorm, you will smell like wet wool. You will smell like wet wool for hours. For days. You will always smell like wet wool. I know this because I went to a school for two years where I had to wear a wool kilt, and rainy days were an abomination against our livelihood. Wear a cotton blend. Wear cotton in general. Wear a hoodie. Wear a polyester zip-up. Wear a trenchcoat and get two kids to stand atop your shoulders so you appear to look like a very tall man. Just no wool. Not now, not ever – no wool.

5. Avoid “loud” fabrics

An example of “loud” fabrics include but are not limited to those slush pants from elementary school and really, tight leather. (Like Ross in “Friends.”) And this fabric won’t matter in line. It won’t matter waiting for the movie to start. But it will matter a great deal when you move slightly in your seat and it sounds like you’re completely decked out in a head-to-toe catsuit. It will matter even more if that happens during a Q&A when your leather or loud pants overtake the sound of Natalie Portman’s voice. It will matter when you drop something by mistake and need to pick it up but can’t do it quietly, and you hear a “Shh!” and you say a whispered, “I’m trying!” and you begin to laugh-sob because this is what your life is now. Then it will matter. And you’ll be the person who wore the loud sleeves.

Chloe Grace Moretz (at TIFF in 2011) can wear a hat at all times, but you should think twice (Getty Images)

6. So help me whatever-powers-that-be: choose your hats wisely

If someone can’t see atop your hat, then you need to re-think your infatuation with the Victorian era. And yes, I am looking at you, Mr. Peanut.

ALSO SEE: What TIFF 2015 stars wore to their first festival

7. Jeans are fine – did someone tell you jeans aren’t fine?

Dressing up is a lot of fun, and we all love it, and I love it, and bless us everyone, it’s TIFF. But also, you will not go to style and/or fashion hell if during your screening, you choose jeans. This is because if we are just hanging out in a movie theatre, jeans are fine. Jeans are OK. Did somebody tell you jeans aren’t OK? They’re lying to you. Unless, of course, jeans aren’t OK, and you’ve probably figured out by now that this isn’t the style guide you should be consulting. But for the rest of us? It’s fine to wear pants. You will not be disgusting if you wear pants. Especially because you can dress up your jeans in literally any top/jacket/sweater/cardigan/shoe (within reason) known to man. Jeans! Pants! Jean-pants for all!

8. And if you are dressing up, think: wedding rules

Dressing up is fun as it is confusing. We are adults. Why are we dressing up? It’s weird, right? Like, if we’re not fancy on a normal day, it feels weird. But alas, relax: think weddings. What did you wear to those 44 weddings you attended this summer? Answer: what you will wear to this thing. You will pretend you are attending a wedding. You will not dress for prom, you will not upstage the bride. You will wear clothes that a person who is attending the wedding of a friend who has style but isn’t like, a princess/prince will wear. You will wear something you’d have worn to “semi-formal” in high school, especially if said outfit includes a choker. You will wear what you wore to that Christmas party last year that nobody remembers now because they were drinking too much. You will wear what you wore to that one-off event you didn’t think you had to dress up for, but realized last-minute you did.

TIFF is the wedding season of September. Only you don’t have to buy anyone anything, and if you start dancing it might be uncalled for.

Namaste.