The Superman of the North flies to Rishi’s rescue with a trend-defying win

Tees Valley was a straight fight between Labour and Conservative, distinguishable at the count between those wearing red rosettes and those wearing none at all.

“Where is your blue rosette, Baron Houchen?” the press asked. “I forgot it,” he replied, and said he couldn’t find another. Pull the other one, pet! I reckon I could’ve produced a blue rosette and chased the mayor round the hall with it – for the party colours are as kryptonite to Superman this year, and Houchen does have a touch of the Clark Kent about him. Tall and dark, he has flown to Rishi Sunak’s rescue with a trend-defying win.

Thornaby, Teesside. I write this dispatch from the Siesta coffee house, because Greggs is full. While the Red Wall waits to be levelled up, Thornaby is simply being levelled - Sixties estates pulled down to make way for what looks like the largest Poundland in Europe.

The count was held at the leisure centre, above the library. A patient librarian told journalists they’d gone the wrong way and pointed them upstairs, and we left happy to see that libraries still exist. After the death of DVDs, I assumed they’d go the way of Blockbuster.

The only thing less exciting than a count seems to be voting, for precious few Teessiders had done it and thus the ballot papers were quickly totalled, declared and packed into sacks to be recycled as election fraud in Tower Hamlets.

But this was a nail-biter for No10. Sunak faced a possible leadership challenge before Thursday’s elections: rumours of a Penny Mordaunt run being turbo-charged after she was spotted visiting the Tantastic sunbed salon in Portsmouth.

The PM needed a strong showing. Only Houchen’s baby daughter, Hannah, watched events more enthusiastically; the three-month-old all goggle-eyed at these strange adults and their strange goings-on.

Redcar was declared for Houchen. Darlington, Middlesborough… daddy was unstoppable. Well, he has delivered local jobs and saved Tees Valley airport. “Does Tees Valley really need an airport?” I kept asking. Newcastle Intentional is only 45 minutes up the road.

It’s a point of pride, sure, but it hardly goes anywhere and Houchen has poured oodles of public money into it. The message of Tees Valley seems to be that Conservatives can still win if they govern as socialists and run as independents.

The final result was decisive: Houchen back with 54 per cent in a year when the Tories are polling just behind Vladimir Putin. Had I pulled off such a coup, I’d be punching the air and jumping on the first flight to Las Vegas. The mayor, by contrast, was humble and gracious and thanked almost everyone in his speech… except the Prime Minister.

Later, the two men celebrated at the airport and Rishi looked close to leaning in for a kiss. Leadership crisis averted! Penny can always explain away her sudden tan as “further evidence of global warming”.

The losing candidate, Chris McEwan, turned out to be great fun. “How are you feeling?” I asked redundantly. “I’m surviving!” he smiled. McEwan has a cat called Kitty and a collie called Mollie. The best thing about the North, always, is the people.