I Hope I Give Birth at the Women's March
The first time I gave birth I tried to do it at home. I had a midwife, a doula, my husband, a kiddie pool, chill vibes music and candles. None of it helped, and after laboring for days, I decided to go to the hospital for a glorious epidural. Seriously, it was insane how good that epidural was -- one second I was moaning like a wounded possibly drunk cow and the next second I was doing a standup comedy routine for all the nurses. “Hey you in the front row in the nurse's uniform, you have any kids? What’s that? You're waiting for the right person?!? Honey, it’s called settling and we all have to do it! [points to husband] Yeah, I said it!” [drops mic, pushes out baby]
This time around I have a new and exciting birth plan that doesn’t involve midwives, doulas or kiddie pools. This time I hope to give birth one day after the inauguration, at the Women’s March in Los Angeles. Yes, right there in the middle of all the marching and peaceful protesting and snacks (please tell me there will be snacks).
Going to a March super pregnant won’t be the easiest thing to do. Right now I am at the not-cute-anymore stage of pregnancy. I'm 37 weeks in and people have stopped saying “Aww you're pregnant!” and started saying “Whoa, you are pregnant!” My feet look like ... honestly I’m not sure, it’s been awhile since I saw them, but I know they feel swollen so I can only imagine how they look. So why am I going to my local march on Saturday instead of sitting on my couch trying to teach my 2-year-old how to give me a foot massage and why do I hope to go into labor at said march surrounded by thousands of strangers?
The pictures. I mean, forget promoting #freethenipple while breastfeeding. This would be some next-level mom stuff, and in this digital age everyone would see it whether they want to or not. Giving birth in public would mean it would be a very recorded moment and recording the moment was something my scared, suddenly very pale husband did not think to do the first time around. People would send me the footage on Facebook. People would Snapchat it with the cute filters already added. Look a placenta with dog ears and a silly tongue – how fun! I wouldn’t even have to tell my extended family about the birth because they would probably see an animated gif of the whole thing on Twitter before I make the announcement. There would be memes. My baby would go viral without me having to catch it doing some cute baby thing later on down the road.
OK, fine, I have more important reasons for wanting to going to the Women’s March and give birth. The night of the election was hard. I realized what was happening and did the normal crying while eating ice cream in the shower thing (please tell me that’s a normal thing) then decided to take my son to Disneyland the next day. You know how Disneyland is supposed to be the happiest place on earth? There’s a loophole to that statement and it involves Trump winning the presidency the day before. Everyone was walking around in a daze, scared they would make eye contact with someone that actually voted for him. Minnie was probably crying in her costume, churros didn’t fill the hole in my heart, even It’s a Small World was shut down.
Days later, I joined with others who did not agree with Trump’s rhetoric. We are vocal in our disagreements with pretty much everything this incoming president wants to do. We call senators, voice our concerns. A nominee for Secretary of Education that doesn't believe in public schools and thinks guns in schools are fine because of -- grizzly bears!? An administration that is happy to cut affordable health care for millions of children, energy-efficiency programs, domestic violence programs, PBS!? Every day seems to bring a new fresh Hell, but on Saturday I have the chance to march (OK, let's be honest, at this point I won’t be marching as much as waddling) in solidarity with hundreds of thousands of other women across the country. I plan on going with about a hundred other moms (and some dads) in my various parent groups. Some are bringing their children, some are scared and bringing pepper spray, some aren’t sure if they are coming because they can’t afford child care. I understand and support those who don’t want to march, but I know the ones who do will be ready to help if I do actually go into labor.
When I was preparing to give birth the first time, I asked my doula who I could invite over while I was in labor (naive me thought it would be a fun distraction to have friends come over, hahaha, I knew nothing) and my doula told me, “Don’t invite anyone you wouldn’t be comfortable having an orgasm while pooping in front of.” After that nobody was invited to the birth; I told my husband to close his eyes and I covered all the mirrors because even I didn’t need to witness that spectacle. This pregnancy I haven’t gotten any more comfortable with pooporgasms (not a real word) but the way this presidency is already going, pooporgasming in front of my friends is the least of my worries.
When I realized I would be having a baby during this new presidency, I joked about trying to “keep the baby up there” until the presidency was over. Turns out that’s not possible. Even if I hold a picture of the president-elect outside my vagina to scare the baby back up into the safety of my uterus, it’s still coming out and I can’t stop it no matter how hopeless I have been feeling lately. As a mother to a 2-year-old son (and another son on the way), I feel a sense of duty to raise woke feminists and going to the march is a great step in that direction, but giving birth at the march surrounded by feminists who are against mass deportation, support Black Lives Matter, and believe the future is female? Now that would be an amazing start to my next son’s life. So, will I give birth at the march this weekend? Who knows, but just to be safe, I am bringing a first-aid kit, a cooler for my placenta, and a picket sign with a catchy slogan on one side and the words “CALL AN AMBULANCE THIS WAS A BAD IDEA I NEED AN EPIDURAL ASAP” on the other.
Follow Julia on Twitter.
You Might Also Like
