Honestly, Who Likes Paper Straws?

From Esquire

My Twitter feed has recently been polluted with sponsored video ads featuring Adrian Grenier. You remember the erstwhile Vincent Chase? In the silent spot he's wearing a stupid infinity scarf while getting slapped in the face by a giant tentacle as he tries to slurp water through a straw out of a cup with no lid. This is the blue-eyed dreamboat's finest acting work since the Melissa Joan Hart vehicle Drive Me Crazy-necessary, as it's for his new #StopSucking campaign meant to rid the world of plastic straws. Plastic straws, it seems, can harm ocean life. Grenier's heart, just like each curl of his perfectly-coiffed hair, is clearly in the right place. But Grenier is also clearly not a cocktail drinker, for without plastic straws we are left with paper straws-the most annoying thing in the bar world today.

It's only the best, hippest bars that are offenders. You ain't getting a paper straw with your Jack and Coke at Ye Olde Blarney Stone. I encountered one just last week at La Sirena, Mario Batali and Joe Bastianich's lavish, newly Michelin-starred spot on the plaza level of the Maritime Hotel in New York. I was working my way through the brilliant cocktail menu one-by-one, quite enjoying myself. I loved the mezcal-backed Spice Me Baby One More Time. I worshipped the Old Forester bourbon and balsamic-kissed Candy Man. Then I ordered the Cobbler.

The first sip, spectacular. A complex melding of madeira, fino sherry, and grappa. The second sip barely made it through the straw. By the third sip I was trying to suck the pricey cocktail through a wet noodle, the straw's insides fraying, emanating the smell of soggy paper instead of a refreshing fruit salad of mixed berries and lemon peel. There would be no fourth sip, as I had to toss the paper straw aside and ever so carefully drink from the ice-heaped cocktail instead.

Most bartenders tell me paper straws are prettier, classier than the plastic options. To me, paper straws look more like a barber's pole in miniature. I agree that plastic straws are generally ugly, but they don't have to be. They can come in countless colors. They can also bend and flex and accordian out and explode into a damn curlicue if they wish. Let's see a paper straw do that!

Yes, I know your argument: You don't need a straw, just drink your damn drink! Or, if you're some retrograde male, you might even think it's bad form to ever use a straw. Chug your dang drink! (This line of thinking comes from the same men who refuse to use an umbrella in the rain, lest they look like a wuss.)

Of course I don't want to use straws. For the most part, straws are strictly for Big Gulps and iced coffees on the go. I would never use a straw for, say, a Manhattan or a martini or an Old-Fashioned, and certainly not a scotch neat. But in today's vast cocktail world, some subsets of drinks demand straws: Cobblers, highballs, frilly tiki drinks, and especially frozen concoctions. Try to eschew the straw on the aforementioned and you'll wind up with a face full of ice, slush, or silly garnishes.

So let's get back to you, Mr. Grenier. You like booze, I know it. Your last foray into the industry-a brewery that sold metal cans you could only open with a custom "churchkey"-was roundly mocked. Now it's time to redeem yourself. Invent an environmentally friendly, aesthetically pleasing, plastic cocktail straw. As your good buddy Johnny "Drama" would say: "Seriously, bro."

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