Millennials like avocado on toast and soy lattes and expensive rents and ASOS clothes by the bucketload. They pay for it all with their outrageous, disposable incomes. And when they reach adulthood, they only want to buy a three-bedroom house with ocean views on the best street in town.
In other words, they want to have the smashed avo and eat it too — and they'll eat all the avocado they please, goddamnit.
In recent months, it seems every smarmy rich dude and responsible adult in Australia — the place with the highest per capita consumption rate of ridiculous organic food types — has been preachin' high and low about the pure disrespect for money that Gen Y has shown in their young lives.
The property market isn't out of control, they say. Your spending is out of control, they say.
Take rich dude, Tim Gurner.
tim gurner says i'll be able to afford a house if i stop eating smashed avo and drinking $4 coffees, why don't i believe him? pic.twitter.com/fdjiy1DQOg
— Maddison Connaughton (@madconnaughton) May 15, 2017
The Australian property mogul took his victim blaming message to the masses on Australian current affairs show 60 Minutes on Sunday night and oh boyyyy was it one of the best examples yet of tsk-tsking the kids on their terrible life choices.
Gurner is just 35 years old himself but guys, GURNER MADE GOOD DECISIONS. GURNER NEVER ATE AVO ON TOAST. GURNER IS YOUR RICH HERO. BOW DOWN TO KING GURNER.
"When I was trying to buy my first home, I wasn't buying smashed avocado for $19 and four coffees at $4 each," the wealthy lord said.
"We're at a point now where the expectations of younger people are very, very high. They want to eat out every day, they want travel to Europe every year. The people that own homes today worked very, very hard for it, saved every dollar, did everything they could to get up the property investment ladder."
Let's not mention that an "uninhabitable hovel" can easily cost more than $1 million dollars in an Australian city. With prices like that, we're pretty certain that forgoing your daily macchiato isn't going to make you hella rich.
The issue with Gurner's very educational lesson is that he started his glorious empire with A$34,000 (US$25,190) from his grandfather, according to Nine News. That's right, even Gurner needed a helping hand. It would take just 8,500 days without a $4 coffee to get that kind of head start.
This "avocado is a poor life decision" speech isn't new. In fact, mentioning the words "millennial" and "avocado" in a sentence has been known to score anyone and everyone their 15 minutes of fame.
In October, the internet pretty much broke in Australia after columnist Bernard Salt took aim at generation Y over their spending habits.
"I have seen young people order smashed avocado with crumbled feta on five-grain toasted bread at $22 a pop and more," he wrote for The Australian.
"I can afford to eat this for lunch because I am middle aged and have raised my family ... Twenty-two dollars several times a week could go towards a deposit on a house." It was an easy lesson in how to go viral and make a lot of people angry.
But you know what? We're sick of you using the sad little lives of millennials to raise your profile. I'd much prefer to eat avocado on toast while sharing an apartment with 10 mates, if having money and five houses turns me into a smarmy rich dude that lectures my own generation on how to be a smarmy rich dude. Cough, Gurner, cough.
Now, excuse me while I pour myself a bath of champagne.