The trailer for Zac Efron and Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson's Baywatch movie, due out next year, finally splashed into our lives, and it is unclear what the hell is going on.
But it's definitely a sexy murder mystery comedy with lots of explosions that taps into the financial strains of civil service!
So for guidance, we turn to an old Instagram post from our rock, The Rock.
“Our goal is to bring y’all a big, fun, raunchy Rated R action comedy," he promised months ago in simpler times. "But, we also go hard core with our action rescues.”
The film is not officially rated, so it's unclear what transpires, but it's best to prepare for all possible scandalous scenarios and pretend you even have the capacity to be surprised anymore.
Here is how we think the film reboot of the beloved television program could be inappropriate for people younger than 16.
1. Sharks, man
2016, regrettably, only brought us two major shark movies. The Shallows, starring Blake Lively, was a confounding film in many ways, but kept the bloody violence at bay for chunks of the movie so we could ruminate on the progression of Lively's tan. Sharknado 4: The 4th Awakens, meanwhile, was not exactly a restrained film, but managed to stay within the allowed level of derangement on basic cable.
Could Baywatch stealthily be the no-holds-barred shark movie commanded by these harrowing times? Baywatch could certainly have more of a Deep Blue Sea type vibe.
2. Decapitated head as volleyball
Television these days looks less and less like it did during the heyday of Baywatch. The kids want Game of Thrones, and this would absolutely happen if Game of Thrones took place on a beach.
We know that the lifeguards are trying to solve a murder for some reason, so maybe there's a truly vicious serial killer on the loose.
3. Total warfare
Watching the trailer, you may be inclined to suspect that Michael Bay helmed the Baywatch movie, because, well, why are there so many explosions in a movie about lifeguards?
4. Nude Zac Efron
Image: BillBlock entertainment
But the brains behind the operation is actually Seth Gordon of Horrible Bosses fame, so it's likely that the R rating will come from sex stuff.
Efron's butt made its cinematic debut in Dirty Grandpa ... conveniently on a beach. There is simply no reason for Efron to regress from his Dirty Grandpa glory.
For some reason (sexism), a naked woman won't necessarily earn an R rating, but nude dudes will get a movie slapped with a more cautionary rating.
Really proud of my brotha @zacefron and the absurdly f*cking ripped shape he got in for #BAYWATCH. We'd train daily together and he raised the bar for other Hollywood actors. And I've known my girl @alexannadaddario for years now and her beauty and hotness is straight up alien level. I'm can't anymore with these two talented aliens. Get ready.. WORLD PREMIERE trailer launches tomorrow morning. #AvengersOfTheBeach #AndHighlyDysfunctional #BAYWATCH 🌊🔥👽
A video posted by therock (@therock) on Dec 7, 2016 at 1:25pm PST
Johnson says his brotha Efron has been working hard on his bod since then, and The Rock is absolutely the person you should trust when it comes to ab compliments.
5. Nude The Rock
We totally get that 2010's Tooth Fairy wasn't the right time to whip out the goods. But swim trunks fall off in the open waters. That's a very realistic scenario and Johnson was recently named People's Sexiest Man Alive, so it's clearly what the people want.
6. Khia performs "My Neck, My Back" in full
Just a great idea for any movie.
7. Zayn performs "Pillowtalk" in full
Also a great idea for any movie.
In the case of Zayn's smash it, everything comes down to grammar. It's alright to say "fuck" three times in a PG-13 movie, but you cannot use the word as a verb, so our dear heartthrob serenading a crowd with tales of "fucking and fighting" would not be allowed.
8. It's actually the sequel of The Lobster
Yorgos Lanthimos' The Lobster imagines a dystopian world where you turn into an animal of your choice if you don't couple up with someone who is a lot like yourself. It's pretty effed! And anyway, maybe all the dolphins in Baywatch actually have human souls for a real plot twist. The likelihood of this particular scenario teeters on the edge of certainty.