Welcome to the Box Office Report where we never miss an opportunity to make a lazy Zoolander reference. (Still waiting on that sequel, Ben Stiller!)
1. Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters (Paramount): $19 million in 3,372 theaters
We long for the wistful days of late 2008 and early 2009 when an actor named Jeremy Renner was becoming a household name. He swept many of the critics Best Actor awards for The Hurt Locker, but fell short of the Oscar thanks to Jeff Bridges' performance in a movie that's since been forgotten. He showed even more promise in The Town, but was rejected by the Academy again. A new leading man, with talent! we thought. Someday he'll get his due. But no, Renner wanted to be an action star. Cue a role in The Avengers, taking over the Bourne franchise, and positioning himself as the heir to the Mission Impossible throne... Where did that get you, Mr. Renner? Here, in this stupid movie. You only did this because you owed someone a favor, right? Right?
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2. Mama (Universal): $12.9 million in 2,682 theaters [Week 2]
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I'm sorry, Mama, but thinking about you makes me cry and want to clean out my closet.
3. Silver Linings Playbook (Weinstein Company): $10 million in 2,641 theaters [Week 2]
Did anyone figure out what the mom's "home mades" were? Or what "crabby snacks" are? Is that a Philadelphia thing? Do people in Philadelphia snack on crab regularly, or is it just this family? Why haven't the guys on It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia addressed the "crabby snacks" phenomenon? These are the questions the Senate should be asking.
4. Zero Dark Thirty (Sony): $9.8 million in 2,929 theaters [Week 3]
Instead, they're looking into this Zero Dark. Screenwriter Mark Boal went on ABC's This Week Sunday morning to complain about the Senate investigating his movie for the depiction of torture, and the role it played in finding Osama bin Laden. The sound of his whining could be heard all the way in Abbottabad.
5. Parker (Film District): $7 million in 2,224 theaters
Someone needs to investigate what makes a movie deserve a wide theatrical release and not immediate relegation to the $5 direct-to-DVD bin at your local Walmart. Because, really, someone needs to explain Parker's existence.