Hands down, these are the worst food trends in 2018 so far

At restaurants and in home kitchens all across this country, avocados are at risk.

From avocado pizza to avocado bouquets, self-appointed "chefs" are turning vulnerable avocados into something they're not: disgusting. The green orbs of goodness are not the only victims. It's been a particularly cruel year in the viral cuisine community.

No one and nothing — not broccoli, not pickles, not even slushies — are safe.

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Here's the ranking of the very worst.

1. Pizza wedding bouquets

Villa Italian Kitchen stole our hearts in 2017 when they offered an "alternate facts" pizza reported to contain zero calories. This year, they crushed us completely with their new pizza bouquet and boutonniere, composed of pepperoni and mozzarella flowers.

Note: Quirky wedding gimmicks are almost always a bad idea. This is an unprecedented level of preciousness, and should be banned.

2. Avocado wedding proposals

Listen, I love avocados. But we don't need people hiding their $10,000 wedding rings in fruit you can buy for literally for a buck fifty. Plus, are you supposed to eat the avocado afterward? Seems unsanitary.

3. Coca-Cola slushies in a pouch

Image: Coca Cola company

Disgusting food has its place, sure. But there's something about soda in pouch form that reeks of existential despair. Dream bigger. Get a cup.

4. Broccoli coffee

Image: csiro

Earlier this year, scientists concerned that people weren't getting enough leafy greens released a broccoli powder that could be mixed into food and drinks like coffee.

Folks, step it up. You can manage to be disgusting and healthy at the same time by drowning your broccoli in nacho cheese sauce, like the rest of us.

5. Charcoal-activated vegan croissants

Have you no decency, foodies? 

6. Taylor ham ice cream

Taylor Ham ice cream definitely has BDE, but hard pass. I say this as someone who grew up in New Jersey in the heart of the Taylor Ham district.

7. Pickle ice cream

To be clear, this ice cream is made from fresh cucumber and just *tastes* like half-sour pickles. Nonetheless, revolting.

Give vanilla a chance!

8. Taco Bell Frosé

I miss the days when rosé was only popular among those of us in the "unsophisticated booze" community.

9. Pink Frappuccinos at Starbucks

Image: Starbucks

Millennial pink extremism has got to stop.

10. Bowl food

In 2018, healthy food in a bowl — aka, salad — has been rebranded. It's no longer referred to as "healthy food in a bowl." 

It's now called "bowl food," and it's part of an annoying viral food trend that's spreading like the plague.

11. Tide Pod cuisine

To be fair, Tide Pods were the last time the internet was a fun place. Still, we don't need Tide Pod shots, I don't remember asking for a Tide Pod doughnut, and Tide Pod pizza is brutally anti-cheese.

12. Crossushi

It's sushi, wrapped in a croissant, for those of us who've longed for that special "raw fish breakfast pastry" flavor.

13. $185 Wagyu steak sandwiches

Steak sandwiches are cheap delicacies traditionally made of scrap meat and poison. These wagyu beef sandwiches will only be available on site at Wall Street or via the delivery app Caviar. They're already taking off, and, at this price point, lead me to believe that we should be taxing the rich at 100%.

14. Robotic kitchens

Spyce Restaurant in Boston features a robotic kitchen powered by robots that can cook your food in three minutes or less. Because if there's one thing this country needs, it's low-income jobs replaced by actual robots.

I'll have my grain bowl served the old school way: by resentful cooks who can't believe I'm dishing out $13 bucks for leaves.

Thanks.

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