Goodbye, Hope Hicks. Can we bring the Mooch back now?
Hicks was the sixth communications chief in 13 months of a presidency. There are Italian prime ministers who would be embarrassed by such a short time in office
This is a perilous time for Hope.
One day she admitted telling “white lies” to spare the president’s orange blushes. But honestly, those lies were never ever about the whole Russian cover-up. At least, that’s what the communications director testified to the House intelligence committee during eight hours of questioning.
The next day we learned that Hope Hicks is leaving the West Wing at some unspecified date because she wants to do something – anything – other than work for Donald Trump. But honestly it never ever had anything to do with the whole eight hours of interrogation about Russia.
How do we reconcile Hope with reality in the Trump White House?
Let’s see if we can find some clues in the official White House statements about her departure, which she presumably had a hand in writing, being the communications director and all.
“I will miss having her by my side but when she approached me about pursuing other opportunities, I totally understood,” said Trump himself, sounding totally unlike the man who spends his mornings and evenings on the Twitter machine. “I am sure we will work together again in the future.”
Translation: Even I wouldn’t want to work with me. And she knows where all the bodies are buried, so I only hope she never agrees a deal with Robert Mueller. Maybe the chance of future employment will entice her to keep quiet?
“She has served her country with great distinction,” said John Kelly, Trump’s kamikaze chief of staff. “To say that she will be missed, is an understatement.”
Translation: She was the only one who could tell the boss he was wrong without reading endless tweets about getting fired. Now who do I ask for help?
“There are no words to adequately express my gratitude to President Trump,” said Hope herself.
If you can’t express yourself in words, perhaps you weren’t the very best communications director the White House has ever seen.
Fortunately, the White House added some extra “background information” to help us understand whatever happened to Hope.
“Hope is the President’s longest serving aide having worked with him before he announced his candidacy,” said the statement, presumably approved by Hope. It’s kind of sad that his longest serving aide only lasted three years, but – on the other hand – it’s kind of an eternity when your boss is Donald Trump.
“After three years, she approached the president and told him she wanted to leave so she could start exploring opportunities outside of the WH,” they added. So she’s quitting for no job prospect, just because unemployment is better than her current job. What’s the point of having a family if you don’t need to spend more time with them, at a time like this?
“Her role evolved from what was initially considered to be an unconventional press and communications aide to formally being announced WH communications director in the summer of 2017,” they said.
That’s an awesome career progression! Of course, “unconventional press aide” doesn’t look great on a resumé, and six months in a director role isn’t entirely professional either. Perhaps a little communications advice would help tighten up the job applications?
“In this position, Hope has…worked with Press Secretary Sarah Sanders to stabilize the press and communications teams after initial phases of transition,” they helpfully explained.
Ah yes, those plural phases of transition. There was that Jason guy who was supposed to get the job, but didn’t because his mistress embarrassed him.
Then there was Sean Spicer, who lied about the inauguration crowd size and never recovered from his SNL spoof.
Then there was Sean’s friend Mike, who didn’t want to sell his stake in his communications firms.
Then there was Sean again, who was still getting spoofed by Melissa McCarthy. Then there was Anthony “The Mooch” Scaramucci, whose life-span was shorter than a frickin’ firefly.
And then there was Hope. Six comms chiefs – soon to be seven – in just 13 months of a presidency. There are Italian prime ministers who would be embarrassed by such a short time in office.
“Her exact departure is to be determined but it will be sometime in the next few weeks,” the White House added.
Seriously Mr President: if this is the best your beloved communications director can do, you might want to ask your favorite Russian troll factory for help. Artful, it is not.
Of course, it might not be easy to find a replacement for the Worst. Job. Ever.
How exactly do you direct communications around a man who live-tweets what he sees on Fox News, when he’s not tweeting about how DISGRACEFUL his attorney general is?
How do you explain away the words of a man who builds his campaign around toadying to the National Rifle Association and then urges members of Congress to stand up to the NRA?
How do you allow your boss to go to a prayer breakfast after news has broken about him paying a rather large sum of cash to an actress who starred in morally dubious movies?
How do you testify under oath about the press statement you helped draft about the president’s son meeting with Russians to get their stolen dirt about Hillary Clinton?
How do you protect the president’s son-in-law when he’s so desperate for cash that he’s reportedly getting played by foreign officials, when he’s not getting played by companies lending millions to his family business?
There is only one person who can live with this unique combination of corruption, deception, flip-flops and brain farts. There is only one person who can polish the proverbial turd into something shiny enough to feature on a prime-time show at Fox News.
Maybe he can get a little graphic about male genitalia. Maybe his ambition is fueled by a container full of amphetamines. But nobody gets Trump quite like him.
It’s time to abandon Hope. It’s time for the return of The Mooch.
Richard Wolffe is a Guardian columnist
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