Giant Fur Coat Wears Justin Bieber in L.A.
O.M.G. I am obsessed with this vintage photo of Charles Nelson Reilly leaving a party at Elizabeth Taylor's house some time in the late 1970s.
LOL, those were such wild times. Ah, well, it was a different world back then.
What's that? This is not a photograph of an eccentric celebrity on his way to film an episode of The Match Game?
What's that? This is actually Justin Bieber in the year of our lord 2016? I don't see how that's possible.
First of all, I take issue with the assertion that this is Justin Bieber wearing a gigantic fur coat on a 60-degree day in the City of Angels, Los Angeles. It's simply not true. This is actually a photograph of a saber-toothed tiger wearing a Justin Bieber brooch.
No need to get upset, PETA, this is just a photo of an extinct prehistoric creature walking around on two legs (in some sassy boots) wearing a pin that bears the face of a Canadian pop star.
Never fear. Just an ancient carnivore strutting down the street in its normcore finest, out and about doing some late holiday shopping and light devouring.
Nothing to worry about here, folks. Just a Pleistocene Belieber strolling through downtown L.A.
More like Holly-weird, am I right?
Justin, baby, WYD? Why are you cosplaying everyone's rich eccentric great-uncle who smells like White Diamonds and eats cold cuts at Mar-a-Lago every night? You know that uncle, the one who smokes Pall Malls and doesn't bring anything to holiday gatherings except resentment and sometimes his friend Florence, who has an equally large fur coat and owns a chain of discount bowling alleys.
You look like a Jared Leto character right now. And everyone knows that all Jared Leto characters are a cry for help.
Is this some sort of Method acting exercise? You look like you smell like moth balls. Is that what's in right now? Please explain.
Also, why is this coat so large?
This is a concerning trend.
Here's a picture of you from a week ago with a gigantic bag.
Or is that a regular-sized bag?! I'm worried that you're actually shrinking, bebe.
Are you shrinking, Justin Bieber?
Here you are with a very large mug.
Or maybe it's an espresso mug! I don't know.
You're not alone, Biebs. Here's Kevin Hart next to an enormous reindeer.
Or maybe it's a regular-sized reindeer. Maybe it's a Christmas-themed Monopoly game piece. Who can tell anymore in this upside world where all our stars are getting small?
I'm worried about this, Justin. I don't want to lose you. Literally.
Everyone please check your pockets for Justin Bieber. And watch out for that normcore saber-toothed tiger, please. Its looks are sharp but its teeth are sharper.
Follow R. Eric Thomas on Twitter.
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