Four clauses delaying Zlatan Ibrahimovic’s move to Manchester United

Zlatan Ibrahimovic’s move to Manchester United has been rumoured for a month now, but there is no sign of an imminent agreement. Supposed details of the deal have been linked, suggesting a deal of one year, with a possible option for a second, plus astronomical wages. However, Eric Bailly looks to be United’s first signing under Jose Mourinho, despite Ibrahimovic and Mourinho’s close, enduring relationship since their time together at Inter Milan. The latest suggestion is that as Ibrahimovic would receive a bonus from PSG for seeing out the last days of his contract, no deal can be announced until the start of July. While that rings true, there are a number of other snagging points to be cleared up, our Yahoo source tells us.

Guarantees he will not be made fun of for talking about himself in the third person.

“Zlatan has found it enormously useful to describe himself in the third person. For one, it allows him to put himself at an artificial distance to add some kind of pretend, legitimate reverence when he sits back and waxes egotistical. He likes to list his trophies, personal achievements and so on in the third person to also reassure himself that he isn’t, deep down, a bit of a fraud. There have been suggestions that on one or two occasions in his career - for example at Malmo, Ajax, Juventus, Inter Milan, Barcelona, AC Milan and PSG, and also while on international duty for Sweden and at charity friendlies he’s played it, and during some interviews, and at home, oh and also in the street - that people have mocked him for such ludicrous behaviour. These rare instances must be stamped out for good, and so we’re asking for a contractual guarantee that Zlatan can talk about Zlatan in the third person without fear of ridicule.”

Insistence that the press will refer to only him by his first name alone.

“Zlatan is not a petty man, merely one who recognises his stature and importance to the world before anyone else does. He is not wrong, just early, and wants the world to catch up with is own estimation. In his twenties he was prepared for the public, and professionals in football, to catch up with him. Now, though, at 34, he is starting to feel concern that it may be decades, at least, before he is properly appreciated. The idea of posthumous praise is incredibly worrying to him, and one of the reasons there will be a direct link to his coffin should people wish to let him know he was best should his plans for immortality fall through. As such, he is insistent that he be afforded the privilege of being known simply at ‘Zlatan’ in the press, forgoing the need for his surname at all times. He also insists that this be a means of address used only for him during his stay at Manchester United. This goes not just for the press, but everyone in Manchester. Mothers will not be able to call for their sons by first name alone, for example. This might sound like a rather zealous way to deny Pep Guardiola the chance to enjoy his usual ‘Pep’ mentions on Twitter and the press, but it just isn’t, so there.”

Manchester to be moved to Malmo

“Zlatan has enjoyed living in Spain, Italy, the Netherlands and France, but he is a proud son of Malmo. He has had enough of being away from Sweden, and the people that not just made him, but very probably need to be near him to live without worry. As such, Zlatan has requested that Old Trafford be moved to Malmo. Ed Woodward has apparently been considering taking the stadium on tour for a few seasons now, so this fits in without too much hassle. The logistics of moving the whole city will be tough, but Andy Burnham has agreed to look into it as he reckons it will poll well in London and especially Liverpool. There will eventually be an Old Trafford in every major city in the world, like the Hard Rock Cafe, only with higher prices and less dignity. Yes, I’m not sure how that’s possible either, but I’m sure Woodward will pull it off.”

Old Trafford’s museum to be ‘edited’

“Zlatan has been victim of an international conspiracy. Having played for so many successful, dominant teams like Barcelona and Inter, only to leave - despite the suffering it caused to his fans - and see them then pick up a Champions League without him, that can be the only explanation. Similarly, his startling lack of goals in the knockout rounds of European football must also be part of that conspiracy. Therefore, he requests that evidence of this conspiracy, or things that remind him of it, must be expunged from the United museum. All the Champions League trophies must be removed, as well as anything to with any winners of said trophy. Zlatan has suggested that this will be healthy for the players affected, who no longer have to defend their tainted victories.”