Five Reasons You Should Have Sex with Your Husband Every Night
Meg Conley
Updated
Closeup side view of late 20's couple making love in their bedroom while spending weekend in a hotel. They are just hugging and kissing at the moment
I was getting a manicure the first time I learned that not all wives want to, ahem, go for a roll in the hay with their husbands. I was 16 and had picked out orange nail polish (oh, sixteen). I had a book with me but it wasn't long before I found another source of entertainment. In-between buffings and polishings, the two women next to me talked about how much their husbands wanted IT and how little they wanted to give IT.
For a girl that had not even been asked out on a date this was a whole new world. I had a suspicion that their experience was more realistic than the articles I sneaky read inCosmowhile getting my hair done at the salon. (I am supposed to put my hand WHERE? while simultaneously doing WHAT?) So I kept my eyes on my book, let the words blur into lines and listened closely.
"Doesn't he know how tired I am by the end of the day? As if after the kids are finally asleep I have the energy to do anything but sit down and watch some TV."
"For me, it isn't even the energy it takes. I am still losing weight from the baby. I don't feel sexy. I can hardly undress in front of a mirror, let alone in front of him. I honestly think it is selfish that he expects me to pretend to feel something that I don't."
"Selfish? That's a good word. Maybe if he took care of the kids when he got home or made dinner once in a while I would be more interested. Hell, just pick up the milk on the way home from work. I am not asking for much. Now that I think about it, I don't think we have done it in the last three weeks."
"Yeah. It's been at least two for us."
Wait. These women were married...they lived with a guy....who slept in their bed. They could have sex all the time! And they didn't want to? It made no sense. It was like turning down a zero calorie but as delicious-as-creme-brulee dessert. (Or at least I assumed. At that point everything I knew about romance was gleaned fromAnne of Green GablesandMoulin Rouge.)
How sad. How wasteful. How stupid. When I got married, I would always want to have sex with my husband! And I would never be too tired. My goodness, it was just ridiculous to want him to bring home a gallon of milk just to prove he cared. Wasn't it just like a woman to make a grocery run a test of love. As the final coat of polish was applied to my nails, I swore to never be like them. My life would be different. I would be better. I would never feel too fat or too tired. Ever.
And then I grew up.
Intercourse, carnal knowledge, lovemaking, knocking boots, coitus, SEX! is everything 16 year old me imagined plus a little whipped cream on top. (Whipped cream, see what I did there?) And once Riley and I got married there was lots and lots and lots of it. Then we had a baby and I really was just so tired my bones hurt. And for a while I did feel fat. Even after I lost the pregnancy weight everything just looked different. Like a cut flower that has been left out in the sun, still lovely just a little...wilted. I became a little distant. We started to fall asleep without talking or kissing.
Then one day while washing dishes, I realized that we had gone eight days without touching each other. Eight days was a quite some time for us. But the thing that bothered me the most was that I hadn't missed it. And I knew that was a problem. So that night after we put the baby to bed, I gave Riley my best come hither glance. Yes, I was tired and felt about as desirable as the "feed the birds" lady inMary Poppins. But while drying the dishes, it occurred to me that 16 year old Meg must have understood something about sex that 20-something Meg had forgotten. And maybe, just maybe it was worth remembering.
Without further ado here are five reasons you should have sex with your husband every night:
1.Being a mother, one of the ultimate expressions of womanhood, can often leave a girl feeling stripped of her femininity. There is something about being covered in spit up and attending to the every need of another human being that makes one feel distinctly gender neutral. Most of my days are spent playing with dolls, wiping baby food off of my clothes, changing diapers, wiping snot off of my clothes, going to the park, and wiping what-the-heavens-is-that off of my clothes. There is something restorative about kissing the boy you love. There are times in Riley's arms when I remember who I am before I even realize I have forgotten. Yes, I am a cook, cleaner, teacher, and wiper of all things disgusting. But I am also something more, something delightful and completely apart from my roles. I am a woman! And there is potential and depth and heck, I am pretty darn good kisser, too. It is a lovely thing, finding yourself through the touch of someone else.
2.If you want your husband to act like a man, you need to treat him like a man. Hold the eye rolls. I am not pushing for a return to the 1950′s. (Although, heaven knows an era in which low rise jeans did not exist is basically alright by me.) Women need any number of criteria met to feel loved. Men are far simpler. They need to be fed, they need to be appreciated, and they need to have sex. That is it. Really. So make or order dinner once in a while. Say thank you for the long hours spent at work with a hug and smile when he walks through the door each night. (Better yet? Smile as you hand him the kids and walk out the door for a long, much needed break.) And my goodness, let the poor man see you naked. It is astounding what a good man will do for a good woman that has made him feel loved. After a few weeks of meals and make outs, you will sit back and wonder why you didn't insist on having sex every night sooner. Talk about a small investment and big returns.
3.You need to have a moment in each day that is just about the two of you. Remember that boy? The one that made your heart thump and hands sweat? The one that called when you hoped he would, that made you run hot and high up to the stars until you thought you would never come down? He is still there. Under the years and bills and worries, that smiling boy is still in love with and needs his smiling girl. Every night after the kids go to bed is a chance to find him again. A moment to remind yourself that you are living a picket fenced adventure and my goodness, there is nothing the two of you can't do.
4.Sex relieves stress. I don't know that this one needs much explanation. As a mother I eat stress for breakfast. So it seems to me I have a choice. I can let off steam by A) driving around at night and bashing in strangers mailboxes or B) I can get down and dirty with that one guy I married that one time. I choose option B. (So far the mailboxes in my neighborhood have escaped unscathed, so Option B must be working.)
5.It is so much blasted fun. Seriously. Why are we so quick to refuse the good things in life? We will slog through our children's Algebra homework, do Zumba in public and pluck the hair from our body ONE PIECE AT A TIME. But tell a girl to have sex every night and she looks at you like you are crazy, An orgasm? Every night? What do I look like? A Nymphomaniacal Super Woman?
Where is the logic in that?
Are we really too busy doing dishes to participate in an activity that is so good it has inspired genius (that saucy Shakespeare) and changed history (Okay, Helen of Troy, we get it. You were super hot)? My goodness, what a crazy way to live. Ladies, did it ever occur to you (to us!) that we should have sex because WE DESERVE IT?
Yeah, you deserve it.
So, tonight put the kids to bed. Leave the dishes in the sink and the floors unswept. They will wait. Take a moment to remember that you are the girl you hoped you would be and then go find that boy and remind him that he is the man you knew he could be.
Rinse. Repeat.
Make Any Day Special
Kristina Wright, author of Bedded Bliss: A Couple’s Guide to Lust Ever After, points out that you don’t have to wait for anniversaries or birthdays to have so-called special sex. Any day can be special, including the anniversary of the first time you made out, the day you've finally potty trained your youngest child, or just because it’s Tuesday. "Whatever it takes, whenever you can manage it, celebrate this crazy, messy, busy life you’ve created together — celebrate any time you can,” Wright says.
Get Out Of The House
It’s tempting to just bunker down and stay in when the weather starts to get chilly, but the problem is that your home has so many things that distract you from alone time: dishes, kids, computers, and even the television. Find a way to physically remove yourself from the things that keep you from making time for each other. Try checking into a nearby hotel for a night or even a local Airbnb spot.
Shower Together
Napping baby? Head to the bathroom and get clean (or dirty) together, Wright suggests. It doesn't have to end in sex — all that matters is the time spent alone together, and the re-connection from touch. As a bonus, you can save time and water!
Bring In An Expert
Sometimes it’s hard to think of ways to reignite the spark when your mind is full of tasks and to-do lists from your busy day. After Nine Tonight, a site run by a husband-and-wife team who've dealt with their own issues around a stalled sex life, offers sex tips that could give you some ideas.
Don't Dismiss The Quickie
Yes, it’s nice to have an entire evening together, but sometimes there just isn't time for an extended romantic rendezvous. Sex doesn't have to be an all-or-nothing event. A quickie can remove the pressure from those, “Oh god, it’s been XX days since we've done it” thoughts in your head, and remind you how much you enjoy spending time together.
Schedule Sex
No, it’s not very romantic to literally make an appointment to get naked with your partner, but is it less romantic than not having the time at all? “No matter how busy you are at work or what sort of responsibilities are distracting you at home, you know you'll have one-on-one time with your love,” says Lori Bizzoco, founder of Cupid’s Pulse. "Turn off your phones, shut the door, and focus on each other."
Constantly Kindle The Flame
Don’t wait until you’re about to have sex to get romantic, advises Heidi Shimberg, co-author of the upcoming book CoupleCEO. "Send romantic and titillating texts or emails randomly throughout the day and week,” Shimberg suggests. "This will make each partner excited and eager for the time to be intimate; they will be extremely less likely to skip being intimate.”
But Don't Forget Intimacy
It’s hard to get revved up for sex when you’re feeling disconnected from your partner. Don’t forget to work on your intimacy as well, in big and little ways. Send a quick note during the day, or text just to say you’re thinking of your spouse. Make a point of touching more often. Talk about how you’re feeling and where you’re struggling. Fostering those connections will make it easier to make sex a priority, and remind you why you’re with this person in the first place.
Make A Sexual Bucket List
Are there things you've always wanted to do in bed, or want to do again? Work on your sexual bucket list together, Wright says, and go to it when you find yourself with some time to spend on it.
Simplify
Not every surface in your house has to be spotless. Not every meal has to be made from scratch. If hiring a bi-weekly cleaner and ordering takeout on Fridays means you have more time for each other, so be it. Sometimes you have to spend money to make whoopee.
Turn Off The Big Black Box
Do you have time to watch "Scandal?" Then you have time to get busy! Set the DVR and get to it. We think Olivia Pope would approve.
Talk About Sex
As time passes in a relationship, it’s easy to get into a rut and just go through the motions, rather than express what you really want (and need) in bed. Sex therapist Williams Lucena, FMD, says it’s time to break this cycle with some frank talk. “Ask each other, ‘What do I need in bed from you?’” he suggests. “Get back to the communication you used to have.”
Eat Healthy
This doesn’t sound like a sex tip, but treating your body right with good nutrition helps the whole body, including your libido, says Debbie Mandel, a stress management expert and author of Addicted to Stress. “Eat healthy foods to reduce cholesterol and keep your cardiovascular system humming,” she adds. “This will ensure that circulation is at peak performance for the ‘southern hemisphere.’”
Pick Up Some Chores
Want to put your partner in the mood for better sex? “Help around the house,” says Mandel. “The best foreplay happens outside the bedroom. By helping with chores and errands, you make them feel valued.”
Exercise
Few things will get you ready to satisfy women quite like getting in regular exercise each day, says Matthew N. Simmons, MD, PhD, of the Glickman Urological and Kidney Institute in Cleveland. “Even as little as 15 minutes of exercise daily will improve self-esteem, self-image, and libido,” he says. “Exercise makes the physical aspects of sex more enjoyable. Furthermore, making exercise a habit promotes cardiovascular health, which is necessary for normal erectile function.”
But Don't Over Do It
But don’t overdo it. Too much exercise can have the opposite effect, says Pete McCall, MS, an exercise physiologist with the American Council on Exercise. “Being in an overtraining state produces general feelings of fatigue and low energy and can disrupt sleep patterns and change mood,” he says. “This is hardly a good combination for wooing a romantic partner.”
In Fact, Work Out Together
If exercise is good, then exercising with your lover is an even better sex tip, says Mandel. “Working out together ensures that both libidos and endorphins will be up,” she says. “Since you’re both already sweating, take it to the next level. Stretching together is also a good idea.”
Abstain A Bit
Abstinence as a sex tip? Believe it or not, it’s a surefire way to improve sex and make your next encounter with your lover even more exciting. “Practice abstinence for a couple of days, a weekend, or a week,” says Mandel. “Abstinence does make the heart grow fonder and makes you lust after forbidden fruit.”
Plan For Sex
It may not sound that romantic, but Dr. Simmons says it’s a great way to improve your sex life and satisfy women. Construct a plan for having sex, he suggests: “Setting aside time or arranging opportunities for sex is very important, especially for busy couples or those with children. Don’t let the frequency of sex dwindle due to fatigue or the inability to find the ‘right time.’”
Send Your Partner A Text
Make use of technology. Want to keep her in the mood for sex later that night while you’re stuck at the office? Use your cell phone or e-mail. “Send her sexy messages throughout the day,” advises Mandel.
Compliment Her
Want a foolproof way to drive her wild and ensure better sex? “Find a particular feature, and tell her that she is the best in this class,” says Mandel.
Focus On Relaxation
Men like to get excited for better sex, but women are more likely to get in the mood through relaxation. “Wash her hair in the shower or massage her scalp to relax her,” says Debbie Mandel, a stress management expert and author of Addicted to Stress. “A woman needs to be relaxed before she is ready to receive.”
Foreplay
Regardless of how you get revved up for better sex, Matthew N. Simmons, MD, PhD, of the Glickman Urological and Kidney Institute in Cleveland, suggests not skimping on the foreplay — no matter how long you have been together as a couple. “Foreplay contributes greatly to stronger orgasms and improved sex,” he says. “Gearing up your autonomic nervous system will increase sensitivity, excitement, and strength of orgasm. Your patience and attentiveness will pay dividends.”
Think Like Your Partner
Natalie Bencivenga, co-founder, editor, and writer of twodaymag.com, advises thinking like a woman. “To think like a woman in bed, you don’t have to be one,” she says. “Give attention to some of her most neglected areas, like her neck, her feet, her inner thighs. Tease her mercilessly. Make her want it. You will be surprised what a build-up will bring!”
Let Them Take The Lead
Men so often take the lead in bed. Sometimes, the key to better sex is letting her be in charge. “Don’t be afraid to let your mate lead,” says Joyce Morley, EdD, a licensed counsellor in Decatur, Ga. “Allow your mate to initiate sexual pleasure on occasions, as well as taking the top position.”
Don't Overlook Lubricant
According to Bencivenga, there’s no shame in using lubricant to satisfy women. “Many guys think that since women get wet, if we aren’t wet, then we aren’t into it,” she says. “That’s not true. Sometimes, whether it’s stress, certain times of the month, or fatigue, women can have a hard time getting physically aroused even when they are mentally in the game. Lubricant in the bedside drawer is your new best friend.”
Switch It Up
If you’re experiencing a case of the “same-old, same-old,” working on adding a little variety is the key to better sex, says Simmons. “Spice things up by planning and discussing variations on your usual sexual habits,” he explains. “Lingerie, toys, new positions, and other creative additions can enhance intimacy and orgasm.”
Change Locations
Another way to add variety and improve sex life, suggests Mandel, is to try some place new. “Do it in different places to experience a different energy,” she says. “Take it outdoors if you are overwhelmed with technology and want to get back your natural rhythm.”
Just Don't Have Sex, Make Love
Does it feel lately like it’s just sex? “Try making love,” advises Dr. Morley. “You make love with that special someone, but you have sex with anybody.”
Use Touch Even Without Sex
Even when you’re not having sex, you can still improve your sex life by using touch in an intimate, but not sexual, way. “Touching is important, but doesn't always mean sex,” says Morley. “It is important to be intimate with your mate by touching her with love and affection on a daily basis. Kiss daily, and don’t be afraid to allow her to reciprocate.”
Take Care Of Your Penis
“Take good care of your penis,” says Dr. Simmons. “Penile injury is usually sustained when your partner is on top or when the penis buckles from missed penetration. If things are getting out of hand, ask your partner to ease up. If you suspect a penile fracture due to a perceived ‘pop’ followed by bruising, see a urologist immediately.”
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