Euro 2016 Diary, Group stages round two - everything at the last minute

After another round of fixtures in the group stage, it should be becoming obvious who the contenders are. Who can force through victories, and who is promising entertainment, joy and suspense. The problem is, for those prone to lobbing money at bookmakers or making predictions in public, is that the most talented so far aren’t the teams or the players, but the last ten minutes.

Without wanting to research it and therefore a) waste precious time and b) potentially prove this statement incorrect, it seems as if almost every game has had at least one goal scored in the last few minutes. Watch. Or, as you will no doubt be saying having conversed with at least six or seven French people in the last few weeks, ecoute. That’s, right. Probably.

Look at England. Yes, it’s a horrible thing to have to do, but they’re still there, occupying the group stages and one or two of the knockout rounds to come, so until then it’s unavoidable. Against Wales they toiled, and predictably conceded when Gareth Bale’s free kick flew one or two milimetres to Joe Hart’s left and thus rendered him transparent, with the ball dribbling through his hands. That would normally do for England, and Roy Hodgson, it was the chance to embrace glorious and hilarious failure, and that’s not something they ever knowingly avoid. But, shorn of Steven Gerrard for the first time in a decade, they are a slightly different proposition. Hodgson chucked on Jamie Vardy and Daniel Sturridge for the broken Raheem Sterling and Harry Kane - still looking around forlornly and wondering what he has to do to play with talented midfielders - and added Marcus Rashford with a few minutes left. First Vardy levelled, and then Sturridge poked a pass inside the near post after some pinball passing, that almost looked deliberate.

Look at Ronaldo. Yes, it’s a horrible thing to do, what with his perfect body and dedication to his craft, but things aren’t all bad. There’s lovely schadenfreude to indulge in. Having huffed and stared at everything that was going wrong around him, he decided to match that against Austria by being everything else that was going wrong. His shots were saved or wide, his body was jiggered from the outset, and he had to look at Ricardo Quaresma and Luis Nani either side of him, which is quite enough to be doing with. Still, he got the chance to put things right late in the match when he won a penalty and strode up confidently. Using the technique of positive visualisation in his head, he was already topless and straining his muscles for the camera, it was just going to be a matter of… Oh. Ah. He hit the post.

Look at Zlatan Ibrahimovic. Yes, it’s a horrible thing to do, what with his massed riches and knowing self-confidence, a life spent in some of the most culturally exciting cities in the world, plus Barcelona. He’s won leagues wherever he’s gone, and is soon off to reunite Jose Mourinho with his mojo, and find out what the answer is to the question, “what is the prime root of arrogance?” However, there’s some mild chiding to indulge in. Zlatan (yes) once complained that the problem with Sweden’s football team was that there weren’t another 10 of him to play alongside him. That’s still correct, obviously, and there’s not much he can do to rescue a Sweden side that hasn’t had a shot on target in two games save for, er, actually doing a shot because he is the striker. However, we’re looking at this the wrong way, and thinking Zlatan (that’s right) is resenting those around him for their incompetence. Oh no. No. Zlatan (deal with it) is playing the long game. By playing with Sweden for a few games he is acclimatising to what it will be like to watch Wayne Rooney and Chris Smalling falling face first into the ground and watching the ball run out of play, so he’s ready for playing at Old Trafford.

Look at France. In their first game, the ludicrous Dimitri Payet rescued his side with a brilliant goal. In their second against Albania, they waited even later, scoring with Antoine Griezmann in the last minute of normal time, and then Payet decided to show up six minutes into added time for another. France are one of the few countries whose public does not believe that the French side are the favourites, even if they are the least woeful side so far. Germany are struggling to stop themselves turning into an even more self-conscious Spain, with Jogi Low and his assistant now dressing like David Copperfield going down the shops. Spain are now so self-conscious about being Spain that they daren’t even look each other in the eye, rather shuffling around the pitch ashamed of not really remembering what they should be doing with each other.

It’s very odd, to save all the action for the last few minutes. There are two reasons why this might be.

One - a cynical ploy from UEFA to keep our attention throughout all of the matches. We all know football has been awful for a long time now. Possession-based guff or highfalutin ‘verticality’ which might be an interesting contrast, but really is just an exercise in limited ambition or massive budgets to blast away minnows, all with graphs or extended metaphors in the discussion afterwards. People were rightly sick of this, and so the Premier League was called on to try something new. Some Leicester players nobody really knew were asked to run really fast at the goal and just try to score as many goals as they could, and when that didn’t work, to grind down the opposition with their skill and determination. It was as surprising as it was enjoyable. Of course, repeating such an obvious ploy wouldn’t work so soon after, and so UEFA have attempted just to stick all the action in right at the very end, and hope we won’t notice.

Two - everyone is exhausted. With the domestic season now comprising two years’ worth of games every year, and with some players sprinting their guts and phlegm out twice a week, with training in between, they simply have nothing left to give. As this diary entry shows, it’s not just the players who are flailing hopelessly. Now, where are the nicotine patches?