'Echoists' are prone to narcissistic, emotionally abusive relationships. Is this you?

Narcissism is the topic du jour. We're programmed to beware of gaslighting and avoid the red flags of extreme selfishness and a craving for attention. But the reverse – having no narcissism – isn't any healthier, experts warn. In fact, it can be be equally as damaging.

This trauma response is called echoism, a term popularized by psychologist Craig Malkin, to describe many victims of narcissistic abuse who fear being the center of attention. Those familiar with Greek mythology may recognize the name from the story of Narcissus, a hunter in love with his own reflection, and his romantic admirer Echo, a nymph cursed to repeat back the last few words she hears.

Like their namesake, echoists "struggle to have a voice of their own," says Malkin, a lecturer at Harvard Medical School who wrote "Rethinking Narcissism: The Secret to Recognizing and Coping with Narcissists." "They often echo the needs and feelings of others," and the result is a unique vulnerability to toxic relationships that perpetuate a cycle of abuse and silence.

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Clinical psychologist Ruth Ann Harpur has treated many echoists throughout her decadeslong career. Anyone, she warns, can end up in a relationship with a narcissist. But echoists who fear "being the center of attention and underplaying their own importance are going to have a particular draw for a narcissist, because who could be a better partner than someone who will never stand up to them or hold them accountable?"

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Am I an 'echoist'?

Echoism revolves around the fear of seeming narcissistic in any way. Unlike introversion or politeness, it stems from trauma – of growing up with narcissists or being influenced by fellow echoists. They often avoid special attention and consequently abandon their own needs through people-pleasing, over-apologizing and, in extreme cases, isolating.

"They lose their own ability to know their mind, to speak their own mind and to have their own feelings. They just exist to put someone else at the forefront and thereafter, they're fearful of taking the limelight," Harpur explains. Other common indicators include repeated romantic or platonic relationships with narcissists, low self-esteem, an inability to set boundaries and a fear of upsetting others.

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Two extreme ends lie on the spectrum of narcissism. One is the narcissism we know and hate: the entitlement, lack of empathy and abusive behavior wreaking havoc on a victim's life. On the other end is echoism, a more silent condition just as concerning.

Both Malkin and Harpur agree that a hint of narcissism can be healthy. While a pathological narcissist is "blind" to the consequences of their behaviors, a healthy narcissist – albeit with some arrogance – will ultimately be "responsive to feedback and if they make mistakes, it's not crushing to them. It just becomes something they have to navigate and accept," Harpur says.

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In fact, an innate desire to feel recognized for your accomplishments drives people to try new things, expand their interests and grow. But an echoist who fears seeming narcissistic may repress their true personality and fail to self-enhance or make meaningful connections – a phenomenon scientifically related to anxiety and depression.

"We need to feel a little special in order to be happy and healthy and to thrive," Malkin says. "If you are so intensely fearful of taking up any attention or of expressing your needs in a relationship, other people miss out on connecting with you ... and if the person is so uncomfortable with having focus on them, they're going to prefer to be with somebody who takes up all the room" – resulting in a special attachment to narcissists.

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How to unlearn 'echoism' and avoid being exploited by narcissists

Echoists aren't always born; narcissists create them by silencing their partners, causing them to lose their worthiness, assertiveness and reality.

Having worked with many victims of narcissistic abuse, Harpur says the number one step in healing is self-discovery. Echoists, she says, must learn to embrace the hobbies, activities, foods and relationships they find enjoyable – while learning to say no and set boundaries to those who cause them distress.

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One easy exercise her patients "hate," yet benefit greatly from, is ordering a drink and asking the barista to make several adjustments. For those accustomed to people-pleasing, it's an overwhelming and anxiety-inducing ask, but the purpose is to "learn how other people respond when you rightfully ask for things."

For Malkin, it's important to teach echoists first and foremost "to get in touch with their healthy anger and disappointment." Echoists must learn that it's healthy, not selfish, to have their needs met, and it's not worth it to sacrifice your own happiness in order to appease others – especially those who are not worth the pain and trouble.

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This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: What is 'echoism': Why the opposite of narcissism is unhealthy, too