All the Drama You Missed on "Teen Mom OG"
Welcome back to this, another glorious week of Teen Mom. Last night’s episode may have seen the final demise of Farrah and Simon’s relationship, reminded us that Gary Shirley is a terrible, terrible person, and forced many us to ask, “Seriously, Maci? What do you even see in this guy?” Also, Amber bought a lot of shit to decorate her new dorm room, Catelynn returned to the show, and Debra said something that made me want to claw at my entire face because it was so stupid. Fortunately, I had to write this recap, so I forewent the face-clawing, skipped the blood and the ER, and am bringing you this instead.
Maci
Of all the Teen Mom boyfriends/husbands, Phil Robertson was once the only guy able to compete with Tyler Baltierra in the “OK, he’s not so bad department.” This week, however, he fell out of the running after sitting idly by while a very pregnant Maci continued to do all the work around the house, complained about the fact that Jayde - who is turning 1 - wasn’t going to have a proper birthday because Maverick was due to be born the day after, and reminded Maci, who was literally cleaning an entire kitchen at the time, that she should rest while making zero moves to actually facilitate that rest. “I tried to get you to rest that one day,” Phil Robertson says as he pats himself on the back for caring while not lifting a finger to help. One day, dude? One day? That is pretty gross and awful, Phil Robertson! This is Maci’s 15th child, OK? You should know by now that she needs to lie down for a few goddamn hours and you should clean the house once in awhile.
Maci points out that if she were to rest, the house would burn down, the children would become savages, and the business that they’re both supposed to be running would turn into nothing but an AXE body spray-scented memory. Phil Robertson disagrees but continues doing nothing. It’s actually pretty infuriating to watch, because unlike Gary Shirley or Simon, it’s not like Phil is trying to be awful, he just can’t help it! This is a man who firmly believes that his 1-year-old not only has the mental capacity to understand what a birthday party is but will actually retain the memory of the event and be upset if she doesn’t get one. Listen, friend: Just buy a cake, smash her face in it, and be done with it. We live in an era of Photoshop. You don’t even have to buy a cake.
Elsewhere, Ryan (very hot, very douchey) is angry that he didn’t get invited to Jayde’s birthday party even though his parents did. Could he have shown up with them? Sure. But this guy needs a gilded invitation or he isn’t going. Maci’s producer, who is both shady AF and more of a dad to Bentley than Ryan will ever be, points out that it doesn’t seem like Ryan would have wanted to go anyway, and he doesn’t disagree but says he’s always at Bentley’s games. As Maury Povich says, though, “that was a lie” because Maci soon reveals that Ryan never shows up for anything and will never be a grownup. “It’s like he’s Bentley’s brother, not his dad,” she says.
That statement is both apt and probably explains why both Ryan (very hot, you guys) and Phil Robertson are so useless: Maci is so strong that she won’t let others do anything for her. And when you are the one who’s always in charge, others fall into place behind you. I’m not going to blame Maci for choosing the wrong guys here - god knows we’ve all been there - but there’s something to be said about setting clear boundaries and having people help out. If you want Phil to clean up, girl, just say, “Hey, my 27th baby is due tomorrow. I’m going to go lie down. You do the dishes.”
Catelynn
Catelynn has returned from her stint at the psychological treatment center in Arizona and is anxious about filming. That’s probably right, because Teen Mom is a job and not just for fun (many people forget that) and it’s also a very stressful and very public one. Due to the fact that she’s trying to take it slow though - at least this week - nothing much happens. She and Tyler don’t know what they’re going to do about the micro pig, they try to reconnect on a hike, and lastly, after they return home from Arizona (where the entire crew went to pick Catelynn up), they realize that they’ve gone noseblind and that their house actually smells really bad. “Like shit,” Tyler says. Are you hearing this Febreze? Time for a little product placement!
Tyler also proves once again he is the only good dude on this show by writing Catelynn a pretty awesome card in which he acknowledges her bravery and thanks her for all the hard work she’s already done. Kinda makes me feel bad for hating on his goatee so much last season. Catelynn is overwhelmed by all the affection, but she also seems to be really happy, telling her therapist at home that her anxiety has lessened and that she now needs to focus on setting boundaries (which both she and her counselor agree comes from having a chaotic childhood during which she felt abandoned). We’re all hoping for the best here, right? (Yes!)
Amber
Listen, let’s not talk about Amber for a second. Yeah, she went back to that furniture store from last week and bought some more tacky crap to stuff in her house (anyone else want to visit because this house is decorated like all the dorm room fantasies we had when we were teens? Good for you, Amber, live your dreams!) (also, it makes sense that she’d want to decorate like she lives in a dorm because she never had that experience), and, yeah, Matt is still creepy AF, but Amber is getting better every week! Last season, I didn’t know whether she should be around Leah as much as she wanted to be, but this season makes it clear she’s now got her mental health more under control (Amber revealed it was so bad last year that she sometimes refused visits with Leah because she was in such a bad state); she’s an excellent mom who’s made some big changes.
You know who’s not getting better though? Gary Shirley. He’s had so many chances to be a decent human being but Gary doesn’t play that. Instead, he continues to gossip about Amber to Leah, effectively gaslighting her against her mother. Sure, Gary’s complaints may have some basis in truth, but is it really appropriate to be telling Leah that her mom doesn’t pick up the phone every time he calls and has bad hygiene? Isn’t this something he could just discuss with Amber when he’s dropping Leah off? And why such a big show about “not wanting the tour” as he’s bringing Leah in? Being decent costs nothing Gary, and the quicker you stop asking Leah about whether she’s annoyed about going to her mom’s house, the less money you’ll have to spend on Leah’s eventual therapy.
One more thing: Gary and Kristina keep talking about how Amber’s house is 20 minutes away, which is still too far, and that is just a huge joke. A 20-minute commute is nothing compared to what some no-longer-together parents have to go through. Amber moved closer to you on purpose, so maybe give her some credit? Maybe? No? OK. See you next week!
Farrah
Farrah and Debra are terrible. The end.
OK, not really the end, because we have to discuss just how awful Farrah and very self-aware “I am highly intelligent, I am highly functional” Debra are (that’s the line that made me want to claw my eyes out by the way), and how much Heather, Farrah’s producer, hates them both.
Farrah’s segment opens with the biggest Teen Mom star in history showing Sophia some closing papers - yes, she totally gets those, Farrah - and telling her that the two are moving to L.A., at least part-time. Sophia, of course, isn’t into it and suggests that Farrah move and she stay put, but you know that’s not happening (even though I can kind of see Farrah hugging Sophia good-bye, wishing her luck, and sweeping out the door to her new life). In one of her most reflective moments ever (ever), Farrah points out how lucky she is to go from nothing to owning two houses. She stares off into the distance - she does this a lot and it horrifies me that I can now tell the difference between the type of stare she is doing - and this time it feels really focused. And it’s deserved too. For someone who didn’t start with a lot, she has accomplished so much, whether you agree with her methods or not.
Unfortunately, that reflection doesn’t last long. About three minutes later, Farrah lands in Los Angeles, where she meets Debra at her new house and they proceed to talk trash about Simon. Farrah says this is Simon’s “last straw” (I think she means chance?) and that if he doesn’t deliver on helping her turn her house into a dream home, she is out. And for a few seconds after Simon arrives with flowers, it seems like this might actually work out. After all, Simon knows a lot about flipping houses and construction and furniture building and such. This could be great! (Also, can you imagine Farrah doing a renovation? I would like to see this spin-off, and I would like the finale to include a scene in which she catches a contractor peeing in her home and yells at him about the porta-potty outside.)
Except it isn’t. Not five minutes into their time together, Farrah starts screaming at Simon about moving trucks (I don’t know, I immediately stop paying attention when the screaming starts) and then lambastes him for putting furniture together wrong. It’s just a huge and unending mess, and while Simon is no prize, it makes sense why he’s always just disappearing instead of saying good-bye to Farrah before he leaves. It’s because their relationship is so toxic that he knows there’s going to be a fight regardless of whether anyone did anything wrong. Simon’s at the point where he doesn’t even want Farrah to get a hint that something may be off. He’s not rude and disaffected, he’s protecting himself.
In this episode, Simon is so demoralized by the end of the move - maybe because Farrah insists she wants microwaves?? What do you need more than one for, bb? How many Lean Cuisines you eat a day? - and producer Heather steps in to talk to him and (maybe) encourage him to get the hell out of this relationship and run like the wild pony Simon knows he can be. “You’re not on the same page,” Heather tells Simon right before the two of them have a fight about who’s going to return the moving truck. Heather says she can’t do it because she’s busy, but Simon doesn’t want Farrah to know.
Farrah finds out anyway and then yells at Simon for being irresponsible and terrible and all sort of other things which aren’t actually true except in her own mind. Look, whether Simon did a bad job or not, at the end of the day, it’s Farrah’s house and it’s her responsibility to be in charge, and if she doesn’t like what Simon is doing, she needs to hire a professional. At this point, pretty much everyone (except Debra) is done with Farrah. That includes, Simon, Sophia, Heather, me, and the rest of the viewing audience.
It doesn’t look like this couple will ever make it work, but at least Simon called out Farrah for not knowing what hard work and labor means, and why someone might need a rest after moving and organizing all day. Perhaps 10 to 20 years from now, Farrah will be able to process that he’s right. Right now, though, she’s really focused on telling anyone who will listen how Simon does nothing but tear her down. I don’t mean to call anyone delusional, but that’s so far from the truth that I wouldn’t be surprised if the GOP put her forth as their next presidential nominee.
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