I don't care if Herschel Walker paid for an abortion or if he blew up the planet Alderaan

  • Oops!
    Something went wrong.
    Please try again later.

There’s a report that Herschel Walker, the staunchly anti-abortion Republican running in Georgia's Senate race, got a woman pregnant then paid for her abortion back in 2009.

Like other staunchly anti-abortion Republicans, I have one thing to say about that: DON’T CARE!

Dana Loesch, a conservative radio host and former spokesperson for the National Rifle Association, put it best this week when she said: “I don’t care if Herschel Walker paid to abort endangered baby eagles. I want control of the Senate.”

Abortions are unacceptable – except for this one 

Amen, sister. Abort those eagle babies! Like Loesch, I believe deeply in the sanctity of life and oppose all abortions – except for this one, which I will accept to prevent it from costing my party control of the Senate.

Republican U.S. Senate candidate Herschel Walker speaks at a rally in Athens, Ga., in May 2022.
Republican U.S. Senate candidate Herschel Walker speaks at a rally in Athens, Ga., in May 2022.

The right to control our own fates is at stake: Can suburban women save it?

Republicans should have been ready: Dumping Roe may backfire on abortion opponents

The report came from The Daily Beast, and all they had to back it up was: a receipt from the abortion provider; a canceled check Walker sent to the woman five days after the procedure; and the get-well card Walker sent the check in. Walker denies the whole thing and claims he doesn’t know the woman, who, as The Daily Beast reported Wednesday, is also the mother of one of his children.

I’m going to have to side with Walker on this one, because I want my party in power and believe it’s a sin to use the word “hypocrisy.”

Control of the Senate is what matters here, and he played football!

As a matter of fact, I don’t think Loesch went far enough in defending Walker with her hypothetical eagle abortion clinic.

Like the many Republicans who’ve rushed in to stick up for Walker in the wake of the abortion news, I don’t care if the former football star is an ancient, trans-dimensional, shape-shifting entity of pure evil that takes the form of a clown named Pennywise and terrorizes a small town in Maine. I want control of the Senate, and I’m sure Walker regrets any past desire to feed on humans.

Republican Senate candidate Herschel Walker signs memorabilia for supporters in Columbus, Ga.
Republican Senate candidate Herschel Walker signs memorabilia for supporters in Columbus, Ga.

Georgia, don't settle: Herschel Walker embodies every negative stereotype Black Americans have fought against for decades

The destruction of a planet or two is fine if it leads to power

Heck, I don’t care if Walker oversaw the construction of a moon-size space station that blew up the 2-billion-person planet of Alderaan, then later got in an argument with his son and chopped his right hand off. We have to secure that Georgia Senate seat so we can stop President Joe Biden’s immoral agenda!

I’m not the least bit bothered if Walker, in the year 1219, let loose the Mongol hordes on the Khwarazmian Empire in Persia after the shah, Ala ad-Din Muhammad II, broke a treaty. Control of the Senate is of tantamount importance to the moral fabric of our nation.

Ruling Mordor isn't so bad when you think about it

The possibility Walker may have been described in the epic Anglo-Saxon poem "Beowulf" as the monster Grendel, “accursed of God, the destroyer and devourer of our human kind,” doesn’t bother me a whip if it leads to a Republican becoming Senate majority leader. And the additional claims that he slaughtered the inhabits of the mead hall of Heorot, built by King Hrothgar? A minor detail if the power to cut corporate taxes is in play.

Student loan relief: Biden’s fly-by-the-seat-of-his-pants approach creates huge mess

Children's mental health: Alarm has been ringing for decades. Too few have listened.

No, I see no logical or moral inconsistency between my firmly held religious beliefs and the lack of concern I would feel if I learned Walker had remained a noncorporeal evil for centuries before rising again in the land of Mordor and building the dark fortress Barad-dûr not far from Mount Doom. And if he gathered massive armies of orcs and trolls then tricked the elven-smith Celebrimbor into forging the Rings of Power? Well that’s a small price to pay to defeat Democratic Sen. Raphael Warnock, who is a pastor and has probably never paid to abort endangered baby eagles.

Basically, nothing matters as long as we win

The discovery that Walker is, in fact, the Dark Lord Voldemort, "He Who Must Not Be Named," and is plotting, with the help of Death Eaters, to rid the world of Muggles, would in no way impact my support for a candidate whose qualifications include being somewhat famous.

The dark wizard Voldemort (Ralph Fiennes) lords over the wizarding world in "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part I."
The dark wizard Voldemort (Ralph Fiennes) lords over the wizarding world in "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part I."

I want control of the Senate. Getting Herschel Walker elected is key to that end. And if that means being OK finding out he once snapped his fingers while wearing the Infinity Gauntlet and instantly wiped out half of all life in the universe, well … so be it. I’m not about to let the morality I use to disguise my craven thirst for power get in the way of my craven thirst for power.

More humor and satire from Rex Huppke:

Lizzo plays James Madison's crystal flute while racists play dog whistles

Sen. Lindsey Graham mansplains abortion ban: 'I picked 15 weeks.' Got it, ladies?

What Trump and his wannabes did in one weekend should scare us all.

Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on Twitter @RexHuppke and Facebook: facebook.com/RexIsAJerk

Opinion alerts: Get columns from your favorite columnists + expert analysis on top issues, delivered straight to your device through the USA TODAY app. Don't have the app? Download it for free from your app store.

You can read diverse opinions from our Board of Contributors and other writers on the Opinion front page, on Twitter @usatodayopinion and in our daily Opinion newsletter. To respond to a column, submit a comment to letters@usatoday.com.

This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Herschel Walker abortion story may not matter as GOP pursues Senate