Does Spoiling Your Kids Really Hurt Them In The Long Run?
Like many moms, I've bought my daughter trendy toys like fidget spinners, Thinking Putty, and Shopkins, simply because she asked for them. Though I only get her these things occasionally, I still can't help but wonder where the boundary lies between supporting our children and spoiling them rotten.
For many parents, the "spoiled" child conjures up an image of the tantruming kid, kicking and screaming in the candy aisle. As parents, we may be well aware that giving in to our kids too much can lead to bratty behavior down the road. Still, we do it because we want them to be happy, fit in with their peers, and feel good about themselves. "Spoiling" isn't solely about purchasing gadgets and goodies; it's also about overindulgence. So where's the line?
Overindulgence comes in many forms. For example, finishing your teen's science project, paying them to do their homework, and protecting your child from failure by rescuing them from their academic and personal challenges are all signs of this concerning behavior. Andresearch shows that doing these things in excess hinders our kids' social and emotional development.
"Pampered kids are often unsure how to feel good about themselves without input or praise from others."
In the late 1980s, pediatrician BJ McIntosh coined the term"spoiled child syndrome," suggesting that giving into a child's every whim can actually trigger its own psychological condition. McIntosh observed that kids who were never told "no" flipped out by having frequent tantrums, screaming and hitting their parents because they couldn't cope when limits were set.
More recently, psychologist David Bredehoft and his colleagues found that giving children too much, too soon could turn them into self-centered adolescents and adults who can't take responsibility for their actions. Their research also suggests that pampered children are more dependent on their caregivers, struggling to make their own decisions and relying on others for their happiness. Often, these kids are unsure how to feel good about themselves without input or praise from others.
Child psychologists have also found that spoiled children can turn into narcissistic and grandiose adolescents who believe they deserve "special" treatment. These are the teens that frequently skip school, talk back to authorities, and disobey rules. They may also lack empathy, which makes friendships challenging because they're not aware that relationships should be reciprocal.
"Compensating kids for a 'job well done,' can puncture their desire to undertake a challenge for the fun of it."
While many parents reward their children for cleaning their rooms, winning a sports competition, and doing well in school, psychologists caution against always reaching for your wallet to celebrate your kid's success. In fact, research shows that giving them too many gadgets and goodies could backfire. Furthermore, always compensating kids for a "job well done," can puncture their ability to "self start" on a task or undertake a challenge for the fun of it, regardless of the outcome.
Of greater concern, kids who always get their way may be less likely to learn how to follow rules and respect other people's boundaries. As adults, they may struggle to keep a job, maintain relationships, and regulate their emotions. They may even become dishonest and manipulative, and usually can't cope when the rules aren't in their favor.
And contrary to popular belief, lavishing our kids with praise doesn't bolster their self-esteem, nor does it make them happy. But in a "child-centric" culture where parenting is a verb instead of a noun, we often believe that "healthy" child-rearing means constantly giving to our kids.
In fact, well-adjusted and secure humans know how to accept limits, make their own mistakes, and deal with negative emotions. Ironically, giving our kids less instead of always offering them more helps teach them this lesson, building resiliency that benefits them for years to come.
You Might Also Like
