Disney on thin ice: Suggestions for 'fixing' Disney movies after DeSantis' takeover

News item: Gov. Ron DeSantis removed Walt Disney World’s self-governing status in Florida, and appointed a board of partisan loyalists to oversee the privately owned entertainment company.

DeSantis hinted that the board may one day be used to compel Disney to stop trying to inject “woke ideology” on children.

“When you lose your way, you’ve got to have people that are going to tell you the truth,” DeSantis said. “So we hope they can get back on. But I think all of these board members very much would like to see the type of entertainment that all families can appreciate.”

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From: Floridians Always Seeing Child Indoctrinating Story Themes (FASCIST)

To: Disney’s new oversight board

Subject: Suggestions for rewriting Disney movies

First of all, we here at FASCIST congratulate you on your appointments. And we look forward to some of your individual efforts to determine whether tap water makes people gay.

As you engage in your important work to re-educate Disney executives and coerce them to provide what the governor has called “entertainment that all families can appreciate,” we here at FASCIST have a suggestion.

Start by forcing the company to produce new versions of Disney’s classic movies that comport with the governor’s vision. You can call them “freedom versions” of the movies. Or better yet, figure out a way to use the word “liberty” in mandating the rewrites.

To get you started, here are our rewrite suggestions for four Disney movies:

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs

We love the title. No need to change that. Snow White is hitting the core demographic. And it’s so refreshing to see the word “dwarfs” rather than “little people” or whatever the inclusion mob calls them these days.

But the storyline needs a complete rewrite. The way it exists now, the plot leads to a celebration of Snow White becoming woke. Not on our watch.

Instead of her being asleep, Snow White needs to be rescued by the prince from her job as a union teacher at a traditional government school that makes hardcore, graphic pornography part of the kindergarten curriculum.

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As for the dwarfs, recast them as undocumented asylum seekers who are taking "hi-ho" opportunities from American workers. In the rewrite, the dwarfs get rounded up by a state-run immigrant dragnet and lured into boarding a plane to a distant forest, where they’ve been falsely promised good jobs in a clean-coal mine.

Also, a little product placement would be in order. Instead of the witch handing Snow White an apple in the forest, make it a Chick-fil-A sandwich outside a Hobby Lobby.

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Beauty and the Beast

This one is going to need major fixing. First of all, the heroine, Belle, is obsessed with reading books — when we know that books are very dangerous and require strict oversight by self-appointed community guardians.

Showing Belle with her nose in a book all the time is just Disney indoctrinating children to the evils of knowledge, when she should be out shooting firearms with Gaston.

Gaston, the big, white, hairy firearms enthusiast in the movie, is cast as the villain. But he should be the true hero of the story. The tap water’s not turning him gay, that’s for sure. Here’s a character that knows his pronouns.

But instead, what does this movie do? It makes children root for the large colored beast to woo the fair-skinned Belle. This is just some heavy-handed nod to inclusion, equality and diversity that’s being pushed on children. And on behalf of America's most persecuted and long-suffering group, white people, we won’t tolerate it.

The proper match for Belle is the open-carry Gaston and the classical Western European heritage he represents. As the movie stands now, Belle and the Beast sip tea together and learn to dance with each other. How gay is that!

In the rewrite, she would be out with Gaston, shooting animals for sport and standing their ground against inner-village people. And the only book she’ll need is a cookbook to serve him meals after she becomes his subservient, no-birth-control wife.

The Little Mermaid

Ursula the Sea Witch is clearly trans. This implies she may have experienced gender-affirming care as a teen, which is outlawed in Florida.

Now that we’re under a state edict that pretends that transgender teens don’t exist, it’s best not to even hint at it with a movie character like Ursula.

Suggestion: The octopus Ursula could be reimagined as a cartoon villain named “Pelosiula,” who wants to “use government to take the legs out from everyone.”

Aladdin

The hero, Aladdin, is an inner-city street urchin from a foreign country who commits petty crimes and tries to woo Princess Jasmine.

What are little girls supposed to glean from this? That they should fall in love with the street criminals running rampant in Joe Biden’s lawless, open-borders America?

And as for flying carpets, they are nothing more than a metaphor for electric vehicles, and all other threats to our patriotic oil and gas industry, which we need to continue to subsidize no matter what.

This one’s going to need a major rewrite: Get rid of the brown people. Set it in the Rust Belt, and make the main character “Al,” a hard-working HVAC repairman who is against paying other people’s college loans.

Oh, and the problem-solving genie needs to be red, not blue.

Frank Cerabino is a columnist at The Palm Beach Post, part of the USA TODAY Florida Network. You can reach him at fcerabino@gannett.com. Help support our journalism. Subscribe today.

This article originally appeared on Palm Beach Post: DeSantis takes over Disney, calls for entertainment, no woke ideology