Sponge Worthy: Dear Abby,
I can't get any good-looking women to be attracted to me, so I bought one from Eastern Europe. Now we're married, and I have to give her money to have sex with me. And I'm uuuuuuuge, believe me. She wants to have opinions, but I just think her opinions are stupid and won't let her around cameras, because by the way, I hate it when women speak and just want her to be quiet. But I cherish women, I really do, and she's just tremendous, believe me. You'd think that my gold apartment would be enough for her, but she still has thoughts of her own, I assume. Anyway, my daughter, who is a woman with a great figure, by the way, just great, is telling people that I am not a sexist, but people just don't believe her, because they're all losers who aren't billionaires, like me. I mean, that's just the reality. Just because I am blaming Hispanics and Muslims for America's problems, and I re-Tweet from Neo-Nazi Twitter accounts, and like to keep Hitler's speeches by my bed, that doesn't make me a racist. After all, I did write "The Art of the Deal," and I have my own private jet and many, many, tremendous buildings, and a fantastic clothing brand, and everything has my own name, or at the very least, my initials on it. My rivals and critics are nothing but a bunch of pathetic losers who will never have my poll numbers. But, when I am behind in the polls, let's face it, those polls can't be trusted. I mean, come on! My followers are very smart people, by the way, very, very smart. If I shoot, stab, blind, or even kill someone, I won't lose one vote. It's, like, incredible. Amazingly, they'll just keep following me, and there is so much love at my rallies, so much love. So, should I shoot someone on 5th Avenue?
Signed, Rambling Hate
Dear Rambling Hate:
Seek help from a professional, and get a mental evaluation immediately.