My coworker outed me, and I am horrified. What should I say to her?

Question: "I work part time in a small office in the Deep South and I am over 60 years old. I have been gay since forever, however, we are not protected by employment law in my state. I confided in a person I thought was a friend, but I recently found out she violated that trust and outed me to my boss, another co-worker and I don’t even know who else. I am comfortable with who I am, however, this is not a place where I am out.

I should have known because this so-called friend lies often, bad mouths the boss, attacks anyone who sets boundaries, etc. I let my boundaries down and her character has revealed itself. I don’t know how to express my disappointment, hurt, fury or disgust with her. I have done so many things for her including giving money (that she'll never pay back), favors, buying her food and more. I am more mad at myself than anything.

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What could I possibly say to express myself? I don't think it will make a difference, as she seems to be a narcissistic liar with no conscience, but I feel I need to say something to stand up for myself and then let it go. Of course, she is the type of person who will retaliate so I am sure there will be more blowback and ugliness if I do speak up. Maybe I just need to let it go. I know I will never confide in her again, but it's hard for me to do my work and avoid any interaction with her."

Answer: "I'm so sorry you're going through this terrible experience. Coming out should always be the person's choice, and she took that from you. She also put you in a situation that could threaten your safety or at the very least impact your employment. So where do you go from here?

I recommend really establishing boundaries with this person, but you have to go about it in the right way. Based on the way you describe her and how she usually retaliates, I would take a soft approach. I'd have a calm conversation with her and try to find out why she felt it was her right to share your sexuality with anyone else and emphasize you'd appreciate she didn't share this going forward. Start off with a compliment or something along the lines of "I've appreciated your friendship over the years, but..." as it will hopefully leave her feeling less attacked.

My dad has the best advice when confronting people, and it's just asking them a very simple phrase. "Why would you want to hurt me?" I would ask her this in hopes she can reflect on this situation, and perhaps be a better person going forward or for the next person that trusts her to be a friend. It also leaves you saying less, which is definitely going to be the safest way out of all this for you. I think you're on the right path with not trusting her and trying to keep your distance going forward. I would not lend her any more money, interact outside of work, etc. If it were me in this situation, this is the point at which my friendship with this person would end.

If you start to feel unsafe at work or your job security may be compromised because of her actions, I would try to start looking for a new job. It's mind blowing that so many states still do not offer protections for LGBTQ+ people (though they have protections at the federal level) and hopefully we can see that change in our lifetimes, but for now you have to think about how you can protect yourself in the best way possible. I know this is probably the last thing you want to do with the state of the world's events, but it may be better to get ahead of this and have some options for yourself in terms of a new job if it comes to that. You may even wind up in a better situation and find peace away from this coworker of yours.

I wish you the best and stay safe,

Morgan

Morgan Absher is an occupational therapist in Los Angeles who hosts the podcast, "Two Hot Takes" where she and her co-hosts dish out advice. She writes a weekly column, sharing her advice with USA TODAY's readers. Find her on TikTok @twohottakes and YouTube here. You can reach her by email at Mabsher@gannett.com or you can click here to share your story with her.

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This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: LGBTQ at work: Coworker outed me and now I feel unsafe. I need advice.