COVID made marriage both better and worse: Marlo Thomas and Phil Donahue
A funny thing happened during our 16 months of pandemic lockdown. We didn’t kill each other.
A year ago today, we were putting the finishing touches on our new book, "What Makes a Marriage Last," which is filled with conversations with 40 of our favorite long-married couples—from Alan and Arlene Alda (married 64 years), to Jesse and Jacqueline Jackson (58 years), to Elton John and David Furnish (together 27 years, married six), to former President and First Lady Jimmy and Rosalynn Carter (75 years this July).
Researching and writing the book was an adventure for us — in love, laughter and bottomless glasses of wine — as we went on lively double dates with these fabulous couples. We explored it all with them — how they play, how they fight, even how they sleep (“tushies touching,” Judith Viorst said).
Along the way, they all revealed the secret sauce to their long and successful unions (or in the case of Judges Judy and Jerry Sheindlin, two unions — they briefly divorced partway through their 42 years).
Would COVID kill marriage?
But just before our publisher pushed the start button on the printing press, a vicious virus touched down on our shores, sending us all into the cramped confines of quarantine. Suddenly, we faced a critical question: would the pandemic lockdown — and the forced 24/7 togetherness it inflicted on married couples everywhere — deal a fatal body-blow to the very institution we’d set out to celebrate in our book?
In other words, would COVID-19 kill marriage?
The answer to that question depended on who you asked and when you asked them. The early signs were not good. “US divorce rates skyrocket amid COVID-19 pandemic,” The New York Post screamed last September, citing a 34% spike in couples who had downloaded divorce document templates from online. About a third of those couples, the Post added, “admitted lockdown has caused irreparable damage to their relationships.”
Fortunately, by January, a more Zen Bloomberg News revealed that the divorce rate had actually plunged in five states — in one case 36% — according to a study conducted by Bowling Green State University’s Center for Family and Demographic Research.
But even this rosier view of marriage in the age of COVID was cynically tempered.
“The sharp decline in divorce doesn’t mean couples are necessarily happier together in lockdown,” Bloomberg party-pooped. “Instead, the pandemic may be forcing dissatisfied spouses to stay together for practical reasons.”
But the media doesn’t live behind closed doors—husbands and wives do. And anecdotal evidence suggests that COVID-19 indeed altered the delicate DNA of the marital relationship. Even our 40 years together didn’t make us immune to the bumps of quarantine.
“You run around the house like a water bug!” one of us (we won’t say who) bellyached one day. “Well, you don’t know the meaning of the word ‘hamper!’” the other responded. Okay, so we got testy.
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But we also learned a lot about our marriage during those long days and nights in quarantine—and we even picked up a few tips from the couples in our own book.
► “I’m a big believer in kicking the can down the road,” James Carville told us about intractable arguments with his wife of 27 years, Mary Matalin. “Behind every successful marriage there’s a collection of cans.”
► “I always thought marriage was 50/50,” Viola Davis said of her 17 years with Julius Tennon, “but it’s actually 100/100.”
► “There is no Plan B” Kyra Sedgwick noted about her 32-year marriage to Kevin Bacon. “No matter what, we want to work it out.”
A secret to marriage: don't leave
As the COVID cloud lifts, we have come to understand that what has sustained all of us long-married couples over the years is our appreciation of that time-worn phrase, “in good times and bad.” And hunkered down in our personal bunker, we realized that love and friendship can keep that marital seesaw in balance.
For every spat we had over who left that dirty dish in the sink (again!), there was an evening on the sofa together, binging Netflix with a couple of beers and a bowl of popcorn. For every frayed nerve over the latest COVID numbers, there was our daily walk in the park, face masks on, but still able to breathe in fresh air and each other’s company. And for the first time in a long time, we cooked meals together. One night, we made my mother’s famous pasta sauce, and shared her recipe on Facebook with our fellow COVID detainees.
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We’ve all heard the stories of how COVID tested the mettle of marriage; but we’ve also heard how many couples found new ingredients to add to their own secret sauce.
Bottom line: As strong as COVID is, marriage is — and always will be — stronger and longer-lasting, and it’s worth fighting for.
Or as Jamie Lee Curtis said of her 36 years with Christopher Guest: “What’s the secret to staying married? Don’t leave.”
Marlo Thomas and Phil Donahue have been married for 41 years and live in New York City.
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This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: COVID, quarantine and marriage: the pandemic's effect on relationships
