What is "contra-dating?" Relationship experts breakdown the new trend

Across a crowded room, their eyes meet. Time stands still. In the distance, a Van Morrison song begins to play as they make their way toward one another.

Cue the wedding bells and watch as they ride off into the sunset. End credits roll.

Sure, we've all the seen the movies. And in a perfect world, finding love at first sight atop the Empire State Building and living happily ever after would be written into the screenplay.

Except in real life, that's rarely the way love works.

And dating? Let's just say that most of the time it doesn't go quite the way of Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks. In fact, finding Mr. or Ms. Right is more complicated than ever.

Given that dating these days is as easy as logging into an app, you'd think that your soulmate is merely a swipe away. Except, in many cases, it isn't. In fact, according to Thomas Edwards, finding love, at least online, is on the decline.

"I think part of it is burnout," the dating coach and founder of The Professional Wingman explains. "People were flooded with the opportunity to date online when people couldn't really connect."

Now, in a post-pandemic world, there's a subtle shift away from making digital connections in search of real ones. "We're in a place where people are getting together in person again. They want to actually meet people in real life and try their luck there," Edwards tells TODAY.com.

They're finding those connections in places like restaurants and gyms, as well as through shared experiences including book clubs, hiking groups and other common-interest activities. Which makes sense, given that people often seek out partners who share similar likes and dislikes.

That's where "contra-dating" comes in.

Coined by the online dating site Plenty of Fish, the term refers to deliberately dating someone outside your usual type or who you wouldn't necessarily view as compatible as opposed to seeking a partner more in line with your usual standards.

"Singles are looking to step outside their comfort zone and shake up their dating experience," says Rachel DeAlto, chief connection officer for Match Group, the parent company of Plenty of Fish.

According to DeAlto, an example of contra-dating is an entrepreneur who typically dates someone with similar risk-taking tendencies, but chooses to go out with an accountant, someone more methodical and cautious, instead.

"Dating stays exciting and new, and singles are open to unexpected connections that never would have happened otherwise," DeAlto explains.

The concept applies both online matchups and the real-life kind, and is a departure from the philosophy that the perfect partner is someone we immediately identify as having certain set of traits, characteristics and common interests that mirror our own.

"We do have a biological type in terms of what we're biologically attracted to. We do have a mental type, the fantasy kind of person that we're into," says Edwards. "Then there's the soulful type and the soulful type may not align with your mental or biological type."

Essentially, what it boils down to is that if you're quick to rule out a potential partner based on that biology or fantasy, you just might be passing up what otherwise could be your ideal person.

Instead, don't be afraid to give someone a chance just because you don't have all the conventional things in common. More than that? Seek out those connections.

"Maybe extend the shelf life of that connection," Edwards says and explains that in doing so, it's possible you'll realize that someone you'd normally overlook is, in fact, pretty great.

"Once they pass a particular threshold, they realize this person's amazing because they bypassed all the things that would tell them 'no,' and just allowed themselves to be present for what was there, which was a soulful connection."

Of course, that doesn't mean sticking it out with someone that you immediately know just isn't right for you. But rather reconsidering what "right for you" looks like.

"I'm the most extroverted person you'll ever meet. My husband is a materials engineer with a Ph.D. who belongs to a backgammon group and collects comics. We are wildly different," says Maria Avgitidis, CEO of Agape Match and host of the podcast "Ask a Matchmaker."

According the Avgitidis, you could be missing out on a potentially great relationship if you've got tunnel vision when it comes to partners.

"I see no drawbacks in throwing away 'the type' that's kept you dating the same person with a different name," she tells TODAY.com.

Rather than excluding people out based on set criteria, Avgitidis recommends expanding your horizons, or contra-dating.

"Maybe if you're a straight woman, you've always dated up to five years older than you. I challenge you to change the range to minus five and plus 12 when online dating. You never know, maybe Mr. Perfect is nine years older than you and you've just been filtering him out," she says.

If it sounds a lot like the whole "opposites attract" thing, it isn't. While dating outside your comfort zone can lead to new opportunities, it's still important to seek someone whose core values mirror your own.

According to Avgitidis, she and her husband may differ in their hobbies and personalities, but they're similar in all the ways that matter.

"We have complimentary critical thinking skills and assess risk in the same way. We parent very similar and share a nearly-identical moral compass. We value work ethic and are very family-oriented," she explains.

"In the things that really matter, we are really, really similar."

Edwards agrees that baseline values like ethics, religion or whether someone wants kids or not are likely non-negotiable, but says that if you go into dating with a certain kind of person in mind, you may be at risk of overlooking the right person.

That said, contra-dating may not be for everyone.

"It takes effort to move outside your comfort zone (and) could require more compromise," says DeAlto. "Being too different can become problematic long-term if the differences are around priorities."

Going out with someone totally different from you can also wind up being a dating disaster if you simply aren't the right fit. Even so, it can lead to long-term personal growth.

"In being curious and expanding your horizons, you're going to learn more about yourself than the other person that you're interacting with," says Edwards.

Beyond that, the self awareness and experience you gain in the process just might lead you full circle.

"It does create an opportunity to take a step back and say, 'Hey, if I were to develop more awareness around myself, where I am in my life and what I want, what I'm doing,' and is that actually helping me get to where I want to be?" says Edwards. "A byproduct of that could actually be finding love with the person that is the perfect fit for you."

Bottom line? On your way to meet Tom Hanks at the top of the Empire State, it doesn't hurt to check out who else is standing beside you on the elevator.

"There is a lid for every pot. I really believe that," says Avgitidis. "I just think some people have been looking in the wrong kitchens."

This article was originally published on TODAY.com