Caregiver Burnout Was Killing Me—Until I Made This Vow

From Woman's Day

In March 2014, on my way back from visiting my parents' house in Florida, I pulled over to pick up fast food. I was making the 6-hour return trip to my home in Atlanta for the sixth time in six months, and I needed something easy. When you're caregiving for two parents who live out of state, all you want is easy. You eat whatever is around.

In 1996, when my parents were in their 60s, they bought a place on Amelia Island, FL. It was their dream home-right on the ocean. Life was good, until their chronic health conditions started to erode their quality of life just a few years later. They were each morbidly obese and had diabetes, heart disease and sleep apnea-my father also had psoriasis, while my mom had COPD and edema in both of her legs. My parents lived right on the ocean but hadn't put a toe in the sand in probably 10 years due to their mobility issues.

My siblings and I arranged someone to pay visits to their house and help, but they also needed family assistance, too. We took turns being there as a caregiver, but because of my frequent trips from Georgia to Florida, I missed many important events in my children's lives-holidays, birthdays, and sporting events. You know, the things you really want to be there for as a parent. At the time, my kids were 12 and 14. Friends would ask me, "What teachers do your kids have this year?" And, "What classes are they taking?" I would reply, "I literally have no idea." I had to let things go by the wayside, because you can only be in so many places at once.

I thought of myself as a mama bird, returning to her nest to see all her little ones' mouths open, screaming for food. You're constantly thinking, "Who needs the worm next?" but at some point the mama bird has to feed herself or she's not going to be able to fly off and get more worms for everyone else.

On that day in 2014, eating my chicken fingers and fries, I realized that this wasn't the kind of fuel I needed. I wasn't treating myself right, and found it increasingly difficult to take care of everyone else in the nest. Most of my parents' health problems were caused by their lifestyle choices, and I didn't want to go down the same road. Still, I could see myself slipping in that direction. That day I made a commitment to myself. I would try to find a way to become a healthy, happy caregiver.

The Most Difficult Year

In 2014, my mom was hospitalized, and when she got out of the rehab facility, my dad got an infection and had to be hospitalized, too. Meanwhile, my mother-in-law was battling lung cancer. They were all fighting for their lives, and it felt like everyone in our family needed care-it was all-encompassing.

My father's condition declined very quickly and he passed away in August of that year. Then my mother-in-law died in December. It was a hard time for everyone: My children lost two grandparents in a matter of months, and my husband and I each lost a parent.

My siblings and I realized I couldn't take care of my mother while she living in Florida alone. So, we moved her into assisted living residence near my house in Atlanta, and I became her primary caregiver.

It took some time to get into the groove. My siblings and I basically ripped her out of everything she knew. Not to mention, during this whole process we were all grieving over the loss of my dad. My two sisters came in from out of town and we stayed with her the first few nights, helping her adjust. At these types of homes, though, they require residents to stay on a certain schedule because the staff is trying to take care of so many people at once. So if my mom wasn't ready for a shower when an aide came by, she wouldn't get one that day. Over time, I helped my mom learn the system and also be her own health advocate. But still, every time I said goodbye it felt like I was leaving her alone at the top of Mount Everest.

My mom's mobility issues made it difficult for her to get around, so once a week I would go over and empty her trash cans, clean out her refrigerator, fill her sleep apnea machine with water, and sort her mail. But I wanted to make sure I wasn't just doing chores, but spending quality time there, too. So on Wednesdays I would bring food and the two of us would have a "picnic" and play cards or watch her favorite show, Grace and Frankie.

There was a definite learning curve: I realized that a simple doctor's appointment for my mom might require me to take a half day off work, and that if I needed to call her insurance company, the best time to do so was on my lunch break, rather than after work when I couldn't get in touch with anyone. One of my friends, amazed by all I was juggling, said I was getting my master's degree in caregiving.

Fitting In Healthy

While trying to figure out my "new normal" with my mom, I also tried to figure out my "new normal" healthy lifestyle. I have hypothyroidism, plus depression and anxiety run in my family; I also gained more weight than I was comfortable with during my road trips back and forth to Florida. My parents never focused on their own self-care, so for me, it was really a wake-up call to watch their decline and realize the same would happen to me if I didn't change course.

The first thing I did was hold myself accountable. I saw my cousin posting a picture each day on Instagram, which she called "100 days of happy." I decided to do something similar, and called my challenge "100 days of healthy." I posted a healthy food or activity every day–even if it was something as simple as drinking water. I tried to take advantage of any moment I could find, like going on a walk around the doctor's office while my mom was at an appointment. As a goal-oriented person, I didn't want to miss a day-and it helped me realize that there are so many ways I could fit in healthy activities.

I also challenged myself to meditate more. I had tried in the past, but it never quite stuck. I knew this time had to be different. Part of what makes caregiving so difficult is the mental burden, and I wanted to lift at least some of it. In the beginning I meditated 10 minutes once or twice each week, and even with that short amount of time I could feel the benefits. Meditating really helps me put life in perspective and not feel like my fuse is so short and that I'm going to "lose it" at any moment. Things tend to roll off me easier. I'm now up to meditating three times per week.

With all of my caregiving duties, I could tell my friendships were suffering. I would hear, "We never see you!" regularly, and I had to deal with so much friend guilt. But I know how important friendship is for happiness and support, so I decided to start doing "twofers." I live near a trail, so I invited friends to walk on the trail with me. I would get my exercise in, and have a meaningful catch-up along the way.

Next on the docket: Sleep. I wanted to focus on getting enough, because when I'm well-rested, I feel better and have more energy to give to other people. I took a serious look at my calendar, and figured out what to move around so I could log seven hours. I also made a point to find a pocket of time to fit in meal prepping. No one loves to do it, but my weeks have such a better rhythm when I plan things out ahead of time. It doesn't have to take hours-it's more about just jotting down, "this is the protein and vegetable we are going to eat this week" and "for breakfast I'm going to switch between a yogurt parfait and a smoothie." My husband now helps me prep, and he is seeing the benefits of eating healthier as well.

All of these steps I've taken toward better health have paid off. Even during such a busy time in my life I was able to lose 15% body fat and build muscle.

Sure, I never felt like I was the "perfect" fitness person or healthy eater. And I wasn't an all-star at work or parent or daughter of the year. But I was getting to the point where I'd look in the mirror and say "I've done the best I can today."

Following My Passion

During the early stages of my time as a caregiver, I felt so overwhelmed and isolated, like I was the only person in the world going through this. Thankfully I did have my siblings and a couple friends with similar experiences, but for the most part, it was hard for people to understand my life. There are so many books to prepare you to be a parent, but I couldn't find any to help prepare me to be a caregiver.

I also found that it's really difficult to take care of your own health and happiness as a caregiver. We just give, give, give to others, but not to ourselves. So, I felt the need to create a site where caregivers can connect and share stories, and also remind each other that's okay to take care of yourself, too. I called the site HealthyHappyCaregiver.com, named after the vow I made to myself, and what I hope can be possible for other family caregivers. It's more of a digital meeting place, because it's often so hard to find a few hours as a caregiver to meet in person.

Most of all, I wanted to share small, healthy habits on the site, that women can start incorporating today. So often we'll say, "I'll have me-time at that girl's night, or on that beach weekend," but those types of events only happen a few times a year, at most.

No caregiver can predict how long their journey of taking care of a loved one is going to be. Your caregiving role could last for six months or 10 years. You can't let your health go until things get less stressful-because you may end up being a caregiver for a really long time.

Making It All Work

Through this process, I've learned that if you make your health a priority, you become less resentful as a caregiver. You bring more joy to everything that you do, and feel more confident in the decisions you make for your family.

About a year and a half ago, my sister went through a divorce, and soon after invited my mother to come live at home with her, in Pennsylvania. My sister has become my mom's primary caregiver-I at first felt guilty handing over this huge "boulder of responsibilities." But she's on top of it all, and I'm relieved to know my mother is in good hands. I can tell my mom is happy living with my sister, and her diabetes is even more under control than it was at her assisted living home.

I currently serve as an emotionally supportive caregiver, while my sister is more hands on. I look back fondly on many of those times my mom and I spent together when I was her primary caregiver. My mission now is to give back to other caregivers through my site, so they also can find ways to live healthy, happy lives.

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