Canadian Parliament Prepares for Zombie Attacks After Undead War on America

Connor Simpson

The Canadian government made it very clear on Wednesday that once America is overrun by zombies, the flailing, hungry, murderous undead would not be welcome on the frostier side of the border. 

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Actual member of Parliament Pat Martin asked if the Canadian government was working with the U.S. to ensure Canadian citizens would not suffer should a zombie outbreak ever occur. The province of Quebec just announced it would conduct a discussion on how to handle a zombie apocalypse during a public safety symposium next week. Martin also commended the United States's Atlanta-based Centers for Disease Control for having measures in place for a zombie apocalypse, which the CDC has explained thoroughly.

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And that's when the magic happened. Canada's Foreign Affairs Minister John Baird stood up and, with a straight face, assured that zombies would not be welcome in Canada should the U.S. devolve into a zombie wasteland, just like in that new Brad Pitt movie. "I want to assure this member and all Canadians that I am dead-icated to ensuring this never happens. I want to say categorigally to this member, and through him to all Canadians, that under the leadership of this Prime Minister Canada will never become a safe haven for zombies, ever." The room burst into applause. 

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We never needed those Canucks anyway.

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