Bright Spot: Bible helps us find ways to avoid conflict
Does anyone enjoy conflict? I don’t know many normal people who do.
That’s why a major theme of the Bible is how to resolve it: “In as much as possible, in that it depends on you, live at peace with all men.” (Romans 12:18) “If a brother sins against you go in private …” (Matthew 18:15-17)
It’s always better to talk to someone than about them. The latter inevitably breeds conflict.
So ... how do we resolve conflict? Many books, graduate classes and even entire careers are built around this question. Here’s some basics I’ve observed and practiced in the school of hard knocks, which is often the brick wall we’re banging our heads against when trying to resolve conflict.
1. Determine what my role was in the conflict and what my responsibility is to resolve it. Sometimes it truly is none of my business. Most of us would like to assume that, explained by the first sentence of this article. If it’s hurting your relationship with others or with Jesus that’s usually a good indicator you should be involved.
2. Check your motivations. If it’s vengeance or to hurt, it’s not the right time. Wait until you can do it out of love and a desire to restore the relationship. I Peter 4:8 says: “Love covers a multitude of sins.” In the meantime pray for the right attitude.
3. Preparation. Don’t go in with guns blazing. For most of us it’s “ready, fire, aim!” Get the facts first. Many times we’re guessing at what other people’s motivations are and we often fill in the blanks with the worst motives. “You shall know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” (John 8:32)
4. Keep the circle as small as possible. Too many cooks truly do spoil the broth. Just get the key parties to the table and keep confidences quiet. See Matthew 18:15-17.
5. Don’t hesitate to use a neutral mediator. Those truly neutral are hard to find. Just ask any negotiator or diplomat. If a mediator doesn’t make both sides somewhat mad, he’s not done his job.
6. In conflict people go DEF (desires, experiences, feelings). If you can get these out into the open you’ll be a long way down the road toward resolution and healing. This takes time and lots of talking. It has to be civil conversation or you might as well all go home till it can be.
7. You must agree on what will be your sources of truth. If you can’t agree on those, re-read the sentence above this one.
8. What does each side want. We’re talking goals and outcomes. Sometimes you start there and work backwards figuring out what will get us to the mutually desired goals...IF those exist. They usually do. Think common ground.
I’d better stop, because a favorite quote of pastors is: “Now I’ve gone from preaching to meddling.” And meddling can cause more conflict than healing.
But remember conflict isn’t all bad. It can cause you to grow and go deeper into a relationship with those whom you are butting heads; heads that can be harder than the proverbial brick wall.
Rick Sams is pastor emeritus of Alliance Friends Church.
This article originally appeared on The Alliance Review: Turn to the bible to find ways to avoid conflict
