Breastfeeding Ruined My Love Life

Breastfeeding and I have a dirty little secret.

Besides almost killing me (no, seriously), ruining every single bra I have ever owned, gifting me with an additional twenty pounds I am still trying to lose, and leaving me with strange post-breastfeeding traumatic stress letdown syndrome (where I still anxiously clutch my boobs every now and then, horrified that I am leaking milk at random), breastfeeding kind of sort of ruined my love life with my husband.

About two months ago, I weaned my youngest daughter and fourth baby. Shortly after that, I jumped my husband’s bones every chance I got (excuse my TMI.)

He was obviously, pleasantly surprised, which in turn, kind of made me angry because for the past eight years that I have been growing or feeding our offspring with my body, I have been trying to explain to him the delicate ecosystem that is a woman’s hormones.

And for the past eight years, he has half-heartedly listened to me, but mostly just thought that our lives as busy parents of four were pretty normal and that a somewhat lackluster bedroom life was part of the whole package.

We’re both tired! I have major body image issues! Our kids never sleep! We would rather do other things, like watch trashy TV!

All very true statements, but just as true is the very real fact that breastfeeding causes a psychological decrease in a woman’s libido. It has nothing to do with the fact that parenting is hard, sleeplessness is hard, and coming to terms with weird, saggy skin is hard. I’m just talking straight-up, breastfeeding = a lowered sex drive.

For a long time, I wondered if I was “broken” somehow. Had motherhood ruined me that much? Was I really that uncomfortable with my new body? Did I hate myself? Was our marriage ruined?

I felt so guilty about my lack of enthusiasm for bedroom activities that extended beyond embracing my comforter like a long-lost friend, that quite frankly, it made things even worse. I was so down on myself for being some sort of weirdo that any small flicker of desire still holding strong was swiftly extinguished.

But seriously, guys. I was creating a problem that didn’t exist.

There wasn’t anything wrong with me, and I didn’t have to secretly wallow in self-pity, wondering if my husband hated me and if I would ever feel like having sex again. It was as simple as basic biology. Prolactin, the hormone responsible for our boobs being able to make milk, is also a hormone that directly lowers estrogen, which feeds our sex drives. So honestly, if you’re noticing a little bit lowered drive while breastfeeding, please stop beating yourself up about it. You’re not ruined forever in the love department, you’re just on a temporary hiatus.

Now that I’m done breastfeeding, I feel completely different. And actually, I kind of miss my breastfeeding boobs. Instead of being beautiful, luscious, kind of frightening milk makers, they’ve shriveled up to those weird pancake-type boobs. I’m pretty sure I heard a suctioning sound as they hastily shrunk inside my bra with that last feeding.

In the great irony of motherhood, I didn’t appreciate those bad boys when I had them, but there’s no time to dwell on what could have been. Because breastfeeding, among other slightly important things like nourishing four children, has taught me that there is a season for everything, especially when it comes to my life as a woman, wife, and mother.

If breastfeeding has burned you out in the bedroom, worry not. There’s nothing wrong with you, your partner, or your relationship. You’re just normal.

Wasting time worrying if your husband hates you or being grossed out by your milk squirting at inopportune times really just puts a damper on things, anyways. And if you’re anything like me and find it incredibly strange how your boobs can literally go from being productive members of society to your baby to sexy town in a matter of minutes, I’m here to tell you that it’s probably better to just not think about it too much and simply go with the flow.

Your breasts don’t have to choose between being sexy and functional. They can be both.

And luckily, so can you.

So if you’re struggling right now, just know that this too shall pass. Before you know it, your breastfeeding journey will end, your breastfeeding boobs will join mine in breastfeeding heaven, and you will find yourself in a sort of bra limbo, where your old bras don’t fit but neither do the new nursing ones either, but you’ll be darned if you’re spending any more money on bras again.

Because being a mother is a beautiful, sometimes expensive thing.

—Chaunie Brusie

(Photo: Stocksy)

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“Breastfeeding Ruined My Love Life” originally appeared on Babble.com.