Driving the 2016 Porsche Cayenne GTS & Turbo S, the wild winter beasts

­­­­­­­The Porsche Cayenne is suburban overkill. It’s a ridiculously capable, all-anything machine that often finds itself trolling leafy places where the lawns and fingernails are manicured, Lululemon is the uniform of choice, and inclement weather means it’s time to head for Hawaii or a villa in Costa Rica. The new 2016 Cayenne GTS and Cayenne Turbo S simply add more power and attitude to the equation.

To demonstrate the new Cayennes, Porsche invited me to northern Sweden where the snow is thick and the roads icy in February. In summer time, this is where Scandinavians go to fish and hike and get away from the near-bustle of Stockholm. But in winter it’s cold, bleak and white – a wonderful place to drive absurdly powerful horsepower SUVs and actually experience their abilities.

The Cayenne GTS

Porsche sells a GTS version of everything they build from Boxster to Panamera with more or less the same fearsome formula applied every time: Black exterior trim, usually black wheels, more aggressively appointed cabin, somewhat more powerful engine, and somewhat more tied-down suspension. GTS should stand for Grand Touring Somewhat.

In the Cayenne line the GTS cradles between the mainstream Cayenne S and power-mad Turbo. The normally aspirated 4.8-liter V-8 that powered previous GTS models has been ejected in favor of a tweaked version of the same 3.6-liter twin-turbocharged V-6 that’s now used in the S. Here those tweaks result in the engine’s output swelling from the 420 hp it makes in the S to 440 hp in the GTS. Keep in mind that while an additional 20 horses is appreciated, according to Porsche the GTS weighs in at 4,562 lbs., so the changes barely nudge the power-to-weight ratio

Supported by an eight-speed automatic transmission, the turbo V-6 is one more example of German luxury car manufacturers reducing engine speeds at every opportunity to minimize emissions and maximize fuel economy. Porsche rates the Cayenne GTS turbo V-6 at a consistent 443 lb.-ft. of torque from a mere 1,600 rpm all the way up to 5,000 rpm. Operated at part throttle, the engine barely gets to 2,000 rpm before the transmission shifts to the next higher ratio and brings the crankshaft speed back down to that 1,600 rpm. It’s an exceedingly easygoing driving experience.

But give it some whip and the Cayenne GTS gallops but good. On the icy Swedish roads around Skellefteå (make up your own pronunciation – I have no idea what that circle over the last letter means) there wasn’t enough traction to get a feel for its absolute acceleration outside of "quick." With the all-wheel drive system constantly redistributing torque like a plate spinner at the county fair, the Cayenne GTS was always able to find some bite and turn into a four-wheel Snowpiercer. Porsche claims that 0-60 mph takes 4.9 seconds, and that seems reasonable given some grip.

Using its stability control program, traction control system, adjustable suspension and a dozen other technologies to great effect, the Cayenne GTS inspires the sort of confidence that soon had me intentionally aiming for the road’s edge to joyously plow through the drifts and make spectacular sprays of white stuff. The big Porsche never complained, never reacted and never seemed to even notice it was splashing along through the mush like a hyperactive husky.

Porsche likes to claim that every vehicle it makes is a “sports car.” But that’s absurd with Cayenne GTS unless snow driving becomes a recognized event by the International Olympic Committee. What’s a shame is buying something this capable only to use it for commuting in southern California, or being too timid to open the garage at the first sighting of a snowflake. The crappier the weather, the more the Cayenne shines. It turns winter into playtime.

All that said, the Cayenne GTS isn’t above criticism. For a vehicle this large – it stretches 191 inches over a 114-inch wheelbase – it’s not particularly roomy. And while the interior is assembled beautifully from materials, it’s not really plush. Comfortable? Yes. But if what you want in your SUV is cushy ease, go shop Lexus.

Porsche also seems reluctant to embrace entertainment technology, and while other carmakers have adopted a consumer electronics' view of their dashboards – taking cues from Sony or Apple — Porsche has gone full Airbus. The Cayenne's diminuitive touch-screen navigation comes surrounded by buttons and knobs wearing obscure identification hieroglyphs. The infection has even spread to the ceiling console, and at this rate Porsche can soon forego alcantara, leather and brushed aluminum because every surface will be some Borg-like control panel.

As for prices: The base price on the GTS is $96,450 before hitting Porsche’s long, expensive and delicious options list. Think of $120,000 as the realistic low-end buy-in.

Cayenne Turbo S

Forget how the Turbo S looks or sounds or even how fast it truly is. What this version – the most powerful and expensive Cayenne – has is presence. It’s the sort of intimidation factor that rips the umlats off the names of the Swedish towns as it passes through. I came upon a moose while I was driving the Turbo S, and I swear I thought its antlers drooped at the mere sight of this fearsome thing.

The Turbo S is 4,927 lbs. and 570 hp of hardcore SUV. The engine knocks out 590 lb.-ft. of peak torque from 2,500 to 4,000 rpm, and in around-town driving the crank will never spin faster than that. Given the right sticky surface, the all-wheel drive system and other technologies aboard would crack open the Earth’s mantle to reveal the molten core. In the snow, it simply ingested Sweden and spat the desiccated remains out onto Norway.

Driven back-to-back with the Cayenne GTS, the Turbo S feels like an exaggeration of every virtue that machine has. Starting the Turbo S brings with it a vibrant exhaust tone, as if there were a tenor saxophone installed just forward of each exhaust outlet. The Turbo S demands a bit heavier hand than the GTS and grabs the driver’s attention more profoundly, but it still feels very much like the GTS in operation and most details.

It’s tough to think up a challenge big enough for the Cayenne Turbo S. Circumnavigation of Australia? Could be fun. Running up from Tierra Del Fuego to Nome? Sounds like a good afternoon. Dropping the kids off at school before heading to the mall? That’s a tragic waste of ability.

The Cayenne Turbo S starts at $158,295 and most of them are going to leave Porsche dealer lots after transactions well above $200,000. This is vehicular excess in every imaginable way. All that makes it kind of glorious, and it makes the regular Cayenne Turbo seem kind of pointless. Order your Turbo S painted to match your jet.

Disclosure: For this article, the writer’s transportation, meals and lodging costs were paid for by one or more subjects of the article. Yahoo does not promise to publish any stories or provide coverage to any individual or entity that paid for some or all of the costs of any of our writers to attend an event.