SPOILER ALERT: This recap contains character and storyline spoilers.
The episode, "The Laws of Gods and Men," in a nutshell:
* Tyrion undergoes a lopsided trial
* Yara attempts to rescue her brother, Theon
* Daenerys learns being a queen isn't easy
Body count: A few
Nudity count: Half a dozen
Dragon sightings: 1, very terrifying
New people/places: Braavos
Best line: "Or the pigeons. Just leave me out of it." — Tyrion, on what/who killed Joffrey
Let's hope none of us get arrested in Westeros. Clearly, "justice" is a meaningless word there.
Tyrion's trial gets underway, but it's a farce of epic proportions. The only witnesses are there to tell blatant lies or twist his actions beyond recognition. They even drag Shae into the proceedings, and she uses Tyrion's own words to paint him as the worst kind of villain.
Her appearance and testimony are so heartbreaking that it drives Tyrion to confess — not to Joffrey's murder, but to being a decent guy who now regrets saving the city from Stannis Baratheon's siege. "I wish I was the monster you think I am," he vents.
But Tyrion is a good guy, or at least as decent as someone can be in the world of "Game of Thrones." And since his trial is a complete sham, he requests the one thing that even his scheming father didn't foresee — trial by combat.
Watch TV in No Time's "GoT" recap:
King's Landing: The Lannisters, Tyrells, Martells, etc.
We heart Prince Oberyn Martell. Not only is he totally hot, he's a maverick who doesn't play by the usual King's Landing rules. At a small council meeting, he lounges in his chair as if he doesn't have a care in the world (which he probably doesn't).
Varys updates the others on what Daenerys Targaryen is up to — namely, she has conquered Meereen, commands a huge army, and is the mother of three dragons. Uh, yikes. Not someone to take lightly.
Later, Jaime and the Kingsguard march Tyrion into the throne room for his trial. Tommen recuses himself, and the three judges — Tywin Lannister, Oberyn Martell, and Mace Tyrell — sit to decide his fate. They call several witnesses, including Grand Maester Pycelle and former Queen Regent Cersei. Everyone pretty much throws Tyrion under the bus.
During a break, Jaime confronts his father about sending his own son to execution. Not only that, since Jaime is part of the Kingsguard, Tyrion is the Lannisters' only way of continuing the line. But the always clever and crafty Tywin has an alternative: He'll save Tyrion and send him to the Night's Watch, if Jaime leaves the Kingsguard and becomes his heir.
Jaime reluctantly agrees, and informs Tyrion that all he has to do is plead mercy after he's pronounced guilty. Unfortunately, the trial takes a terrible turn when the next witness is brought in. It's Shae!
Visibly nervous and totally lying, Shae claims that Tyrion and Sansa plotted to murder Joffrey. Her testimony is like a punch in the gut to Tyrion. He can't take it anymore and decides to "confess" — that he regrets saving the city from Stannis Baratheon's fleet and that he wishes he could poison everybody there. He didn't kill Joffrey, but he wishes he had.
As the crowd shouts and Cersei shoots murderous glances at him, Tyrion demands the one thing that could save him.
Trial by combat.
(If microphones existed in Westeros, Tyrion totally would've dropped one.)
Braavos: Stannis Baratheon and Davos Seaworth
OK, so apparently Davos Seaworth's plan wasn't to raid Iron Bank ships, but to go to the hallowed institution to ask for money. The bank's reps aren't really feeling Stannis, though; Tommen is king and Stannis doesn't have many resources to make his claim feasible.
But just as they're about to dismiss them, Davos speaks up on his king's behalf. He tells a compelling argument that Tommen is still a boy and that the actual ruler, Tywin, is getting old. Stannis is in his prime. If the Iron Bank wants to get money out of Westeros, Stannis is their best bet.
It seems that they buy into this, because next thing you know, Davos is approaching his old smuggling buddy Salladhor Saan to join up with them.
The Dreadfort: Yara Greyjoy, Ramsay Snow, Reek
On a ship, Yara reads a note to her crew detailing just what's happened to her brother, Theon Greyjoy. They're all determined to fight for the honor of the Ironborn.
Yara and her men are able to penetrate the Dreadfort and find Theon — but he isn't Theon anymore. He's Reek, and he doesn't want to go with them! And when Ramsay and his forces fight back, Reek runs back to his kennel and hides. Yara ends up having to leave him behind and sadly tells her crew, "My brother's dead."
A very pleased Ramsay rewards his pet with a bath and informs Reek that his help is needed to conquer a city. But to do that, Reek has to pretend to be a man named Theon Greyjoy. How messed up is that?!
Meereen: Daenerys Targaryen and friends
Being a queen isn't all tiaras and jewels and money. Actually, it's kind of a hassle, as Daenerys starts to learn.
On her new throne, she's accepting an audience. One guy's goat was eaten by one of her dragons. And another guy wants to properly bury his father — who Dany's army crucified.
She relents, and then wearily asks how many more supplicants are left. There are 212, Missandei replies.
If Peter Dinklage doesnt get an Emmy nomination for that scene in #GameOfThrones he should demand a trial by combat!— Miguel Lopez (@mklopez) May 12, 2014
Do you think there is a way to repair Theon? I literally hurt every single time I see him. #GameOfThrones— Laurie Crosswell (@lauriecroswell) May 12, 2014
Damn, Daenerys has more nicknames than Apollo Creed #GameofThrones— Jason Pachkowski (@IceManCeaser) May 12, 2014
"Game of Thrones" airs Sundays at 9 p.m. on HBO.