Donald Trump, the impossibly coiffed real estate mogul, reality TV star and de facto leader of the "birther" movement, made his "big announcement" about President Barack Obama on Wednesday, saying he would give $5 million to a charity of Obama's choice in exchange for the release of the commander in chief's college records and passport application.
"Barack Obama is the least transparent president in the history of this country," Trump said in a video shot from his New York office and uploaded to YouTube. "I'm very honored to have gotten him to release his long-form birth certificate or whatever it may be."
"I have a deal for the president," Trump continued. "If Barack Obama opens up and gives his college records and applications and if he gives his passport applications and records I will give to a charity of his choice—inner-city children in Chicago, American Cancer Society, AIDS research, anything he wants—a check immediately for $5 million."
The professional carnival barker also issued an accompanying press release on his Facebook page.
The announcement was immediately mocked on Twitter.
"Our expectations about @realDonaldTrump's Obama announcement were clearly not low enough," New York Magazine said on its Twitter feed.
"BREAKING: Donald Trump demands to know what medical school Dr. Dre went to," Twitter user @BScalabrine24 wrote.
"Trump will give $5 million if Obama releases his college records," @WatchJ tweeted. "I'll give a crackhead $3 if Trump releases that squirrel sittin on his head."
"BREAKING: Donald Trump replaces bed bugs as Americas #1 Pest," Lizz Winstead wrote on Twitter.
"We're going to make a very important cat announcement shortly that will change the internet," BuzzFeed declared.
"Sorry Trump, but in the same way the U.S. doesn't negotiate with terrorists, presidents shouldn't negotiate with idiots," @the_moonface wrote.
"This Donald Trump character is Andy Kaufman's greatest bit ever," Aaron Blitzstein tweeted.
"Donald Trump is the Honey Boo Boo of rich people," @MorgonFreeman said.
"Trump, would you be a dear and offer 5 million dollars if Romney will reveal ANY PART of his economic plan?" Alex Baze wrote.
The Onion tweeted: "'I'm a sad, pathetic human being and a complete waste of life.' — Donald Trump."
In an interview with "Fox & Friends" on Monday, Trump said, "I have something very, very big concerning the president of the United States. I will be announcing it sometime probably Wednesday and it's going to be very big."
"Will it change the election?" co-host Gretchen Carlson asked Trump. "Possibly," Trump replied. "It's very big—bigger than anybody would know."
Following Trump's titillating tease, there was some speculation that he would unveil divorce papers that Michelle Obama had allegedly drawn up more than a decade ago. Others thought the "Celebrity Apprentice" host had proof of the president's rumored cocaine use during college.
In August, Trump was supposed to deliver a "big surprise" at the Republican National Convention in Tampa, Fla., but Hurricane Isaac forced the GOP to cut his appearance from the truncated schedule. The "big surprise"? A video featuring an Obama impersonator who Trump predictably fired.