Mustache aficionados crushed to hear Bolton not running for president

Chris Moody
Political Reporter
The Ticket

Alas, John Bolton, the former U.S. ambassador to the United Nations, is not running for president. While this news is surely a setback for foreign policy-focused Republicans, another group in America is feeling even more pain from his announcement. We refer, of course, to mustache-rights advocates.

The Ticket spoke with Aaron Perlut, chairman of the American Mustache Institute, a group that works to protect "the rights of, and fighting discrimination against, mustached Americans by promoting the growth, care, and culture of the mustache," about Bolton's recent announcement.

Was there hope that Mr. Bolton would run for president?

PERLUT: As there has not been a major party Mustached American presidential candidate since Thomas E. Dewey in 1948, clearly, the Mustached American community is hungry to see one of our own in the Oval Office. Mr. Bolton's decision to decline candidacy was unfortunate, but we hope there are other young Mustached Americans out there with the dreams of leading our great nation sometime in the near future.

Would his candidacy have been a step forward for mustache advocates?

PERLUT: Bolton's candidacy would have been a boost to the Mustached American community without question. The last Mustached American President of the United States was William Howard Taft. So indeed, it's been a long time coming and there has been reticence amongst our people to take that leap. That being said, we are hopeful Michelle Bachmann's bleached upper lip gets some attention.

Are you disappointed that he's not running? Is this a setback in some way?

PERLUT: It's a foregone conclusion that Mustached Americans face discrimination in politics and corporate America every day. Eric Holder was the first Mustached American U.S. Attorney General since Francis Biddle in the 1940s but that's simply not enough. Certainly we are disappointed but there will be others and we are hopeful of a Billy Dee Williams candidacy in 2016.

Herman Cain has a mustache, although it's much thinner. Small victory?

PERLUT: Mr. Cain's candidacy is indeed a beacon of shining light for our people, much like future New York Governor Jimmy McMillan's candidacy was in the Empire State last year. But, like Bob Barr when he served as the Libertarian Party candidate, the reality is that until Mr. Cain has the nomination of a major party--and he is indeed a viable candidate--we can only dream of a better world.