Future News: Arsenal admit to forgetting their bank details

Amidst growing outrage over Arsenal once again failing to spend money in the summer transfer window, chief executive Ivan Gazidis has publicly admitted that they have not been able to spend because they have forgotten all of the club's bank details. Despite rumored interest in the likes of Gonzalo Higuain, Luis Suarez, Stevan Jovetic and Wayne Rooney, Arsenal have only brought in 20-year-old French striker Yaya Sanogo on a free transfer so far this summer. With this new admission, Arsenal are hoping that supporters and critics will allow them the time necessary to track down the vital banking information.

"In an effort to build up the club's finances, Arsene Wenger and I decided to hide all of the bank information and withdrawal slips so no one would be tempted to spend," Gazidis told reporters. "We've forced ourselves to get by on free transfers and through paying smaller fees with money that staff members have found lying around Emirates Stadium, but now that we are prepared to make use of our reserves, we can't for the life of us remember where we hid everything. The banks where the accounts are, the online access passwords — we can't remember any of it. We're pretty sure there was a nine in one of the account numbers, but so far that hasn't helped."

When asked in June if Arsenal could afford to spend £20 million for a single player and offer wages of £200,000 per week, Gazidis raised the hopes of Arsenal fans by saying, "Of course we could do that. We could do more than that." But reported attempts to sign Higuain from Real Madrid and Luis Suarez from Liverpool have stalled, while Jovetic has now signed for Man City and Chelsea have focused their own pursuit of Rooney. Now Gazidis is appealing for understanding.

"Everyone forgets things," Gazidis concluded. "Keys, umbrellas, the means to access accounts holding hundreds of millions of pounds — it happens literally all the time. But the good news is that if we can't remember, then maybe we can still get Sebastien Squillaci back."