DT Exclusive: Man United and Chelsea’s transfer negotiations for Juan Mata

Brooks Peck

Juan Mata has gone from Chelsea to Manchester United in a club record deal that has come as a surprise to many. The two-time Chelsea player of the year was peripheral to Jose Mourinho's plans, so now he has a chance to give Man United the boost they need to turn David Moyes' fortunes around. But how did this deal come about? The following is a transcript of how the negotiations probably went.

Moyes: Hello, Jose! How are you doing?

Mourinho: Better than you.

Moyes: Haha! I'm only laughing because Sir Alex said I'm not allowed to cry more than an hour a day. Anyway, I'm calling about Juan Mata. We'd like to make a bid for him.

Mourinho: Who? I think you have the wrong number.

Moyes: No no, Juan Mata, Jose. The midfielder you're not very fond of.

Mourinho: Oh, you mean tiny Iker Casillas? Yes, you can have him.

Moyes: Really? You haven't even heard my offer yet.

Mourinho: I can't find my pen. You can have him if you give me a new pen.

Moyes: Well, that's splendid Jose, but to be honest with you, I was hoping to make a statement with this deal and pay a record fee for Manchester United. Say, £37 million?

Mourinho: OK. I will take your money for Tiny Iker, but I also want that pen.

Moyes: Certainly, Jose. I'll throw in a pen, as well.

Mourinho: Then I think we are done here.

Moyes: Wonderful!

Mourinho: Wait!

Moyes: What is it, Jose? You're not having second thoughts already, are you?

Mourinho: I just texted this to Wenger and he said it's not fair that I can improve your squad after Chelsea have already played you twice this season and other clubs have not. Then he put an angry face and three exclamation marks. This deal is perfect. It gives you false hope of winning, it gives me a new pen and it gives Wenger something to complain about.

Moyes: Excellent, I'm glad you're pleased. It's been a pleasure doing business with you, Jose.

Mourinho: And it's a pleasure beating you, David. Goodbye.

- - - - - - -

Brooks Peck is the editor of Dirty Tackle on Yahoo Sports. Have a tip? Email him or follow on Twitter!