Move over Woodward and Bernstein. We here at Odd News have an exclusive story that will almost certainly blow the lid off of the candy industry. Yahoo! employee George Back recently went to our workplace kitchen to pick up a piece of candy that is lovingly provided, by Yahoo!, to those of us who work here. It was there that George picked up a Kit Kat bar. Because of what happened next, George was too unsettled to do an interview, and instead sent the following letter:
"Dear Odd News,
It is with a somewhat heavy heart that I write to you in hopes that your outlet may help others avoid the recent trauma I have been forced to endure. On Thursday, November 21st, in the year of our Lord 2013, my confectionary world was turned upside down. Near the end of a particularly stressful day at work I sat down to enjoy a "fun sized" Kit Kat with the confident knowledge that my worries would be washed away by the delicious crunch of cookie wafers entombed in the milkiest of chocolates. Well, they weren't washed away; far from it, in fact! Upon biting into the both bars simultaneously I immediately knew something was amiss, like when you think there's one more step on a staircase but there's not. You see this Kit Kat was comprised 100% of chocolate, no wafers. None. Just two little bars of chocolate."
"Now I don't know about you but I was raised with the understanding that when someone, Nestle in this case, tells you that the thing you are about to put in your mouth is made up of sugar, wheat flour, cocoa butter, nonfat milk, chocolate, refined palm kernel oil, lactose, milk fat, soy, lecithin, PGPR, yeast, artificial flavor, salt, and sodium bicarbonate…WELL BY GOD IT HAS sugar, wheat flour, cocoa butter, nonfat milk, chocolate, refined palm kernel oil, lactose, milk fat, soy, lecithin, PGPR, yeast, artificial flavor, salt, and sodium bicarbonate!!! Not just sugar, cocoa butter, nonfat milk, chocolate, lactose, milk fat, and sodium bicarbonate!"
"I mean, I don't ever remember enjoying a bag of only thin candy coated shells from M&M's. I don't ever remember eating a bar of pure nougat by the Three Musketeers. Now I will say, for the sake of full disclosure, that I may have eaten a Whatchamacallit that was missing an ingredient or two, but come on - you have to have the palate of a James Beard judge to compartmentalize all that’s going on in that bar.
My point is that HALF of my Kit Kat was missing. I'm thinking it was probably the Kat part. Sure I enjoyed the chocolate by itself, but is that the kind of world we want our kids growing up in? A world where Stars don't burst? A world where you have to choose between eating a Baby or a Ruth? A world where a Hersey's chocolate bar is just a…well you get my point. Odd News, please use your readership/viewers to spread this message and help hold candy companies accountable for the promises they make to every man, woman, and child that has a hankering for something sweet.
George Matthias Back"
The poor, poor, poor man. We reached out to Hershey’s, the company behind Kit Kat, for comment on the matter. Jeff Beckman, Director of Corporate Communication for Hershey’s, kindly told us in a phone call that this sort of thing “rarely happens.” He explained that Kit Kat wafers are “deposited” into molds with chocolate and that, on seldom occasion; the wafer will not be deposited. This type of travesty is largely avoided due to different levels of human and technological quality control. Mr. Beckman relayed that George can “savor in the moment,” because this is something he will never experience again, and that it’s probably more likely George will win the lottery then bite into a Kit Kat and only come up with chocolate.
After an informal poll of the office, and by that, we mean we asked only one other person, we found that this isn’t the first time in human history that a candy treat has failed to deliver on its promised ingredient. Odd News producer Charlene Sakoda has been there too, “I ate a peanut M&M with no peanut inside,” she said. However, unlike George, this resulted in a happier emotion, “It made me feel special.”
When we told George what Mr. Beckman said, he sent back this note:
"Upon hearing of the rarity of such occurrences I consider myself fortunate. I've always wanted to have a two headed pet or see a double rainbow, knowing this is the unicorn of Kit Kats is pretty special."
Pretty special, indeed. George then tried to ruin the moment by forcing me to include a “give me a break” pun. But we refuse such nonsense here. Now, who do we email about a Peabody?