Biden should go Dark Brandon in State of the Union speech: 'America is SUPER WOKE, tbh'

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During the State of the Union address Tuesday night, President Joe Biden could announce that U.S. scientists have found a cure for cancer and, within hours, Fox News pundits would be saying: “Great. Now patriotic cancer doctors will lose their careers to Biden’s relentless political ambitions.”

Biden and America are both far from perfect, but the president has ample accomplishments to crow about: The unemployment rate fell to 3.4% in January, the lowest it has been since 1969; inflation, while still high, has been easing; and his party performed historically well in the midterm elections.

But in the right-wing media “Land of You-Will-Believe, Because We’ll Say It Over and Over and Over Again,” Biden is, in no particular order: an illegitimate president; the most radical president America has ever had; dementia-addled and incapable of completing a sentence; a criminal mastermind who has duped the American people and every level of U.S. law enforcement; effectively dead, but controlled, “Weekend at Bernie’s”-style, by Vice President Kamala Harris; weak; tyrannical; inept; and devious.

Nothing Biden says in State of the Union address will matter to those who hate him

He could stand before Congress and announce a plan to cut corporate taxes, mandate prayer in schools and name every airport in America after Ronald Reagan and it would do nothing to shake conservatives' conspiratorial construct that every move he makes is a demonic blend of evil and nefariousness.

Dark Brandon vs. The Pronoun Patrol: Illustrated Origin Story of a JoeBiden Meme

So my question is: Why bother? Why not go "Dark Brandon" and just trot up to the podium – or better yet, have someone push him up there in a wheelchair – for the big speech and give the Fox News/Newsmax/OANN/PatriotBlatherBlog (I might’ve made that last one up) people what they want?

It would make their lives easier, and the rest of us would probably enjoy it more than the usual State of the Union Pablum.

Here's a draft speech I worked up, free of charge:

A State of the Union address to the Fox News crowd

Mister Speaker, Madam Vice President, and our first lady and second gentleman, members of Congress and the Cabinet, justices of the Supreme Court, ghosts of Karl Marx and Vladimir Lenin and members of the cannibalistic global cabal that I lead: Good evening. You all look delicious.

President Joe Biden arrives in Hagerstown, Md., on Feb. 4, 2023.
President Joe Biden arrives in Hagerstown, Md., on Feb. 4, 2023.

On this night, I’ve come to report to you that the State of the Union is … WOKE AS (EXPLETIVE)!

That’s right, in the past year, we have made great progress on our mission to transform America into a genderless, vegan nation grounded in socialism and a firm belief that there is no god.

In just the past six months, for example, our elite social justice warriors have surreptitiously inserted critical race theory into more than 95% of the nation’s Bibles while also transmitting subliminal lessons on gender identity to the iPads and iPhones used by 67% of U.S. children under the age of 10.

Biden wants to save us from our gas stoves: What will the nanny state think of next?

Are 'stovetroopers' coming for my gas stove?: I don't know, but I AM ANGRY!

At the direction of my supervisors, Barack Obama and George Soros, my administration has taken steps to mandate that every sporting event halftime show feature drag queens – sorry about the Super Bowl gig, Rihanna – and meat will be outlawed by no later than March of this year, along with gas stoves and guns.

As you can see, I’m reading tonight’s speech from a laptop computer. This one belongs to my son, Hunter Biden, and it does, in fact, contain a large file labeled “Biden Crime Family Dirty Dealings.” I’m sure you’d love to get your hands on it, but you can’t, because it’s where I keep my plan to ban Christmas and make religion illegal.

Hunter Biden, son of President Joe Biden, boards Air Force One with the president on Feb. 4, 2023,  in Syracuse, N.Y.
Hunter Biden, son of President Joe Biden, boards Air Force One with the president on Feb. 4, 2023, in Syracuse, N.Y.

(Pause for a full two minutes, staring blankly into space.)

Where am I? Are my pancakes here yet?

Whoops. Sorry, sometimes I go a little blank for a spell. It’s just the ol’ dementia acting up. Nothing the blood of a few young conservatives who were victims of “cancel culture” can’t fix.

(Take sip from glass of red liquid.)

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Anyhoo, next month I’ll be dissolving the military because I hate America. Oh, and that Chinese spy balloon that was floating across the country over the weekend? That actually belonged to Bill Gates. He was using it to activate the chips he implanted in everyone via the COVID-19 vaccine.

Don’t worry, you won’t feel a thing as you’re being enslaved and forced to work the soy fields.

Hail Satan!


Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on Twitter @RexHuppke and Facebook, or contact him at

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This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Biden should go full-on Dark Brandon during State of Union address