Best comeback ever? Maybe, but PSG's capitulation deserves a special place in the museum of the incompetent
It is often said history only remembers winners.
Complete tosh, of course. While half the world worships at the temple of the Nou Camp for the next few days, the rest will be guffawing enthusiastically at the demise of Paris Saint Germain.
Everyone loves a loser. Not your run-of-the-mill losers. Granted, they’re easily forgotten. But those who lose spectacularly? Those who lose by ticking every box on the ‘what not to do list?’ Those who succumb in the most insufferable and idiotic way? No. We shall not forget them. We will create a shrine dedicated to the memory, reference them for eternity and put them at number one in our ‘worst sporting defeats all time’ picture galleries.
PSG’s disintegration in the Nou Camp was a classic in the ‘you can’t possibly screw it up from here’ genre. For them, shuffling off into obscurity and inconsequentiality simply will not do.
Such inelegance deserves its own place in the museum of the incompetent.
PSG should be designated an area especially reserved for sporting mishaps endured by royal families, the Qataris sitting uncomfortably alongside a sullen Queen Mother as she contemplates the fate of Devon Loch.
Hell, let’s go all the way and force them into a ‘Game of Thrones’ style walk of shame down the Champs-Elysees.
Last season ‘doing a Leicester’ became the buzz phrase for all those seeking to defy the odds to be successful, so kudos to PSG for inverting its meaning.
Future post-match interviews on Champions League nights will have familiar tone for the next few years.
“So Zinedine, surely that eighth goal tonight will now make the second leg a formality?”
"Nous ne pouvons pas dire cela. Nous ne pouvons pas être complaisants et nous devons nous assurer de ne pas ‘DO A PSG’ dans deux semaines.”
We cannot say that. We can not be complacent and we must make sure not to 'DO A PSG' in two weeks.
I know it’s a cliché, but you have to hope the headline ‘Les Miserables’ has been given a good dusting down and recycling over the last 24 hours.
Rather than deliver a consoling team talk to his players in the aftermath of their 6-1 defeat to Barcelona, it is tempting to imagine PSG coach Unai Emery slumping into a corner of the visiting dressing room before offering up his own version of Anne Hathaway’s ‘I Dreamed a Dream’.
"There's no explanation for what happened in the final minutes,” Emery told reporters after the final whistle.
Sorry Unai, but for everyone watching there was a very obvious reason.
Your players sh*t themselves.
Hide behind as many tactical debriefs as much as you wish, but your defenders performed like they were supposed to be marking Freddy Krueger and Michael Myers rather than Luis Suarez and Neymar.
What were the PSG players doing in their final training sessions? Was Emery coaching them to pass the ball or to perform an exorcism on it?
In the final seven minutes, the PSG players completed four passes, three of which were kicking off after a Barcelona goal.
Over the last 31 minutes, they touched the ball just three times in the final third, while an Interpol search party continues to work overtime to establish the whereabouts of PSG ball winner Blaise Matuidi. If anyone has any information, he was last seen in possession in the 82nd minute of last night’s game.
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It was further proof – if any more is needed – how a hostile atmosphere can scramble the minds of players and officials (it’s doubtful Barca’s second penalty would have been awarded in the first leg).
For players of PSG’s class to crumble so meekly will haunt their careers, but there is at least some consolation for them this morning.
Many will ask how can you mentally recover from such ignominy? Those who have suffered in these circumstances have often triumphantly dragged themselves out of their shame.
Steve Davis became snooker World Champion two years after his defeat to Dennis Taylor. USA won the Ryder Cup two tournaments after Medinah. Bayern Munich won the Champions League two years after losing to Manchester United. AC Milan won the Champions League two years after Istanbul. And dare we revisit the pain Australia inflicted on England for 30 years every time they were reminded about Botham’s Ashes?
So there you have it. Remember where you read it first.
2019 Champions League winners: Paris Saint Germain… and don’t forget to put a tenner on the Atlanta Falcons lifting that year’s Super Bowl, too.
