We Need Armed Guards in Every Oven

Elspeth Reeve
The Atlantic Wire

The National Rifle Association has no patience for gun-grabbers' anecdotes -- yes, one crazy person with a gun can kill a lot of people, but most gun owners are not murderous sociopaths. Instead, what the NRA likes is cold, hard hypotheticals. "The only thing that will stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun," as NRA executive vice president Wayne LaPierre has imagined. What if someone in the Aurora theater had been carrying a concealed weapon? What if a Sandy Hook teacher had kept a handgun in her desk? "Six bullets in the hands of a mother protecting her twin 9-year-olds may not be enough," Sen. Lindsey Graham has tweetedThat's why, in the wake of Thursday's tragic news about a Florida woman shot by an oven because her lawful gun-owning friend stored his high-capacity magazine in a kitchen appliance, we must come to a sobering conclusion: We need armed guards in every oven.

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Aalaya Walker was hanging out at her friend JJ Sandy's house in St. Petersburg Monday evening when she decided to make a snack. She pre-heated the oven to make waffles when -- boom! The 13-round magazine for Sandy's .45-caliber Glock 21, which he'd forgotten he'd stored in the oven, exploded. Four rounds were in the magazine. Walker took the bus to the hospital. Sandy is not in trouble, because he had the proper concealed weapons permit.

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Poor innocent and unassuming Walker had no idea she was a sitting duck. That is how so many non-gun owners go through life, until a crazy person ruins their trip to the grocery store. After the Newtown shooting, LaPierre said suggested a national program to put armed guards in every one of America's 99,000 schools. Criminals and madmen target elementary schools because they're gun-free, LaPierre explained. "Politicians pass laws for Gun-Free School Zones," he said. "They issue press releases bragging about them. They post signs advertising them. And in so doing, they tell every insane killer in America that schools are their safest place to inflict maximum mayhem with minimum risk." The only way to change that is to bring in the armed good guys.

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You know another place like that? Your neighbor's kitchen. Nobody cooks while carrying. Insane unattended magazines know this. If only the waffle-maker had had a gun! She could have protected herself from the oven -- stopped it dead in its tracks! The only other maybe-possible far-fetched solution we could imagine is: If only the gun-owner had had a waffle maker! Who makes waffles in the oven?

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(Photo by Doug Floyd via Flickr.)