New Year's resolutions we'd like to see

The Editorial Board
Updated

IN 2019, I RESOLVE TO ...

… hurry up and finish my report! — Special counsel Robert Mueller

… keep my hands off Mueller’s report. — Acting Attorney General Matthew Whitaker

… tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. — Michael Cohen, Michael Flynn, Rick Gates, Paul Manafort and George Papadopoulos

… start telling the truth about everything — except Santa Claus and the tooth fairy! — President Donald Trump

First lady Melania Trump departs June 21, 2018, wearing a jacket with, "I really don't care, do you?"
First lady Melania Trump departs June 21, 2018, wearing a jacket with, "I really don't care, do you?"

… wear a jacket emblazoned with the words of President George H.W. Bush: “Message, I care.” — First lady Melania Trump

… stop wearing the MAGA hat. — Kanye West

… crawl into an underground bunker. — The Hawaii emergency management official who mistakenly sent out a missile alert

Hawaii Gov. David Ige
Hawaii Gov. David Ige

… download the LastPass app. — Hawaii Gov. David Ige, who took 17 minutes to inform residents there was no missile threat because he didn’t know his Twitter password

… lose my Twitter password. — Roseanne Barr, Elon Musk and others too numerous to mention

… make “Stayin’ Alive” my fight song. — Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, 85

… avoid keggers. — Supreme Court Justice Brett (“I like beer”) Kavanaugh

… make way for a younger generation. — House Democratic leaders Nancy Pelosi, 78, Steny Hoyer, 79, and James Clyburn, 78

… avoid used mattresses. — Former EPA Administrator Scott Pruitt

… ride off into the sunset on the horse that brung me. — Former Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke

Nissan CEO Carlos Ghosn in 2012.
Nissan CEO Carlos Ghosn in 2012.

… drive off into the sunset. — Former Nissan CEO Carlos Ghosn, charged with violating financial laws by underreporting his pay by $44 million

... sell the Redskins! — Dan Snyder, owner of the endlessly mediocre Washington NFL team

... buy the Redskins! — Ted Leonsis, owner of the Stanley Cup champion Washington Capitals NHL team

In this image taken from a video on Dec. 19, 2018, Buena Regional High School wrestler Andrew Johnson had his dreadlocks cut minutes before his match. Johnson, who is black, had a cover over his hair, but referee Alan Maloney, who is white, said that wouldn't be sufficient.
In this image taken from a video on Dec. 19, 2018, Buena Regional High School wrestler Andrew Johnson had his dreadlocks cut minutes before his match. Johnson, who is black, had a cover over his hair, but referee Alan Maloney, who is white, said that wouldn't be sufficient.

... lose the scissors. — Referee Alan Maloney, who forced a New Jersey high school wrestler to get his dreadlocks cut

… make up my damn mind. — Indecisive bachelor Arie Luyendyk

… get more exposure than my lawyer, Michael Avenatti. — Stormy Daniels

… get marriage counseling from Mary Matalin and James Carville. — Kellyanne and George Conway

… get frisked before I bust moves on the dance floor. — Chase Bishop, the off-duty FBI agent whose gun discharged during a backflip, injuring another patron

Happy New Year!

USA TODAY's editorial opinions are decided by its Editorial Board, separate from the news staff. Most editorials are coupled with an opposing view — a unique USA TODAY feature.


To read more editorials, go to the Opinion front page or sign up for the daily Opinion email newsletter. To respond to this editorial, submit a comment to letters@usatoday.com.

This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: New Year's resolutions we'd like to see