The 'so-you’re-going-to-be-a-dad' workout
One of the many, many things nobody tells you before you have a baby - alongside the fact that some things will soothe them flawlessly for seven days straight and then never work again, that they have a Tardis-like storage capacity for poo, and that however cute they are they sometimes look like Wallace Shawn when they cry - is just how physically demanding they are.
I know this because I’ve read a dozen baby books - from Baby Week By Week to Baby Wise, The Baby Whisperer and The Contented Little Mania–sorry, baby - and not one of them mentions what to do if you get delayed onset muscle soreness from a night of carrying your newborn, or sprain a knee stopping your adorable new pal from eating the remote control. Also - and I’m being modest here - I’m quite fit. I’ve been hitting the gym moderately seriously for the best part of a decade, and I’m happy to report that it’s definitely helped lessen the strain - whether that comes from wrangling the little fellow into trousers as he tries to throw himself off a table, or carrying him around in a solitary 2 am vigil until he goes to sleep. There wasn’t a guide for this when my wife was pregnant - but now I’ve written one, and I hope it helps you to be the father your partner and baby deserve. Do it twice a week: and sleep while you still can.
The Warm-up
Shoulder dislocates: 3 sets of 5
Trust me on this: however flexible you think your shoulders are, you only need to try putting on an Ergobaby sling solo, without a handy spot to put the baby down, before you realise you’re horribly wrong. These will fix it: grab a mop handle, stretched out towel or (preferably) resistance band, hold it with a wide grip and bring it *slowly* over your head and behind your back. As you get more flexible, bring your hands closer together.
90/90s: 2 sets of 10 each side
One key benefit of having a baby is how much time you spend sitting on the floor: rather than sinking ever-deeper into the couch over an evening, you’re forced to perch on the carpet, ever-vigilant, as the little scamp tries to sit up without toppling over backwards. One of the best ways to stay mobile on the floor is sitting in the ‘90/90’ position: both knees bent at 90 degrees, one in front, one behind. Start static with bends towards your shin and thighs, then ‘rock’ over one shin and then the other for maximum flexibility.
Spiderman lunges: 2 sets of 5 each side
Essential. When you’re baby-carrying solo, clearing up is a workout in itself: retrieving toys, socks and bits of rice cake from around the house with a baby in one arm requires the sorts of contortionist core-strength the gym rarely demands. This fixes it: lunge forward as far as you can, putting both hands ‘inside’ your lead knee as if you’re reaching for something on the floor. If your adductors scream, be glad you’re not holding a baby.
The Workout
Turkish Getups: 3 sets of 4 each side
The scene: you’re lying on the floor, playing aeroplanes. Then: horror! The doorbell rings. What you need is an infallible way of getting up, hands-free, with an increasingly chubby-cheeked and squirming little beast. Good thing you’ve already practiced with the Turkish getup, AKA the single most efficient way of getting off the floor with a heavy weight. Try it with a dumbbell, kettlebell, or - if you’re feeling ultra-confident – a plastic cup full of water.
Zercher Carries: 4 sets of 20m
There comes a time, in (almost) every parent’s life, when the only way to get one’s tot back to sleep, at 4am, is to carry him/her around the house, in your arms, for hours. And if you’re concerned about your arms giving out before junior’s safely snoozing, these are your answer: hold a barbell or (preferably) a sandbag in the crook of your arms, then walk - or lunge – for the recommended distance. It’ll work your core alongside your arms, and prepare you for the late-night grind.
Dumbbell iso-holds: 4 sets of a 10-second hold, then 8 reps
Sometimes, you just won’t have anywhere to put the baby, and it will always be at the worst moment. Trying to one-arm some wet-wipes out of a change bag on a moving train, clearing up various fluids in the middle of the night, trying to have a soothing pint when suddenly he starts bawling and a so-called ‘friend’ insists on giving him back: these are the moments when biceps strength is paramount. Prepare more specifically with the dumbbell iso-hold: curl as normal, but hold your forearms parallel to the ground for 10 seconds before you start. Feel the burn, and don’t drop those weights.
