What 'Anne of Green Gables' could look like with a 'Breaking Bad' writer
Heather Dockray
Updated
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Around 3 p.m. Tuesday, the news broke.
No, not that Hillary Clinton’s lead was slipping, or that the Powerball had approached $1.5 billion or that more NYC students were graduating than ever.
Important stories, surely, but news that paled in comparison to the most groundbreaking journalism of the day — Breaking Bad writer Moira Walley-Beckett was hired by Canada’s CBC to bring Anne of Green Gables back to TV.
Across the globe, Anne Shirley acolytes wondered how, exactly, a Breaking Bad writer would reshape the reboot.
Would Anne and bosom buddy Diana Barry become turn-of-the-century, Nova Scotian meth dealers, operating out of an abandoned wagon they found in Avonlea, right above where they buried Gilbert Blythe’s body?
Here are our most uneducated, unfounded speculations:
1. Anne Shirley gets Diana drunk on what she thought was raspberry cordial — but turns out to be currant wine! OH NO! LOL! (This was an actual episode)
2. Empowered by her success, Anne sets up an underground currant wine operation in Avonlea.
2. Soon enough, Anne has the most powerful currant operation in all of Avonlea — second only to Gertie and Josie, the Pie sisters.
Ann Green gables
Image: Tyler Essary/Mashable
3. Gertie gets a little too ahead of herself and tries to steal Anne's customers. So, Anne Shirley does what she has to do. She drops Gertie's body in a creek behind Green Gables. GOODBYE GERTIE!
4. Marilla Cuthbert, Anne's adoptive mother, starts to gets a little suspicious.
5. Matthew Cuthbert, Marilla's hubby, DGAF about any of this, because Matthew Cuthbert is, as we all know, dumb.
6. Anne Shirley shaves off her perky red braids, and adopts a cool, bald, Walter White aesthetic.
7. Gilbert Blythe, Anne’s Jesse Pinkman, becomes involved. Gilbert, a former currant addict himself, wants a bigger stake in the enterprise. But Anne sees Gilbert as “a kindred spirit” — nothing more, nothing less.
8. Anne uses her wine operation to pay for her tuition at Queen’s Academy. There, she meets a social worker who helps address her feelings of inadequacy (Marilla always wanted a boy for the farm – but she got Anne instead). ☹
Anne of GGables
Image: Tyler Essary/Mashable
9. Marilla starts to go blind. So Anne pays for her medical care with funds from her currant wine operation. Marilla wonders where Anne got the money. Good question, Marilla.
10. Anne graduates from school and becomes a successful teacher in town. She uses dirty canteens she finds on the playground to help store her currant wine.
11. School officials start asking questions. The police become involved. Anne of Avonlea strikes back.
Image: Tyler Essary/Mashable
12. Now a criminal on the run, Anne leaves Avonlea and heads to Newfoundland. She holes up in a tiny shack and plots her next adventure.
If there's one thing she's learned — there's no bosom buddies in this business.
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