Millions of Americans watched the United States advance in the World Cup on Thursday. Ann Coulter was probably not one of them.
In a column published on Wednesday, Coulter, the conservative pundit and provocateur, blasted the sport of soccer and trolled its U.S. fans, whom she refers to as "Americans" — quotes marks included.
"I've held off on writing about soccer for a decade — or about the length of the average soccer game — so as not to offend anyone," Coulter's column begins. "But enough is enough. Any growing interest in soccer can only be a sign of the nation's moral decay."
Coulter lists all the reasons why she says soccer is not a real sport. Among them: "Individual achievement is not a big factor."
"The blame is dispersed and almost no one scores anyway," Coulter writes. "There are no heroes, no losers, no accountability, and no child's fragile self-esteem is bruised. There's a reason perpetually alarmed women are called 'soccer moms,' not 'football moms.'"
Another: It's boring, she claims.
"If Michael Jackson had treated his chronic insomnia with a tape of Argentina vs. Brazil instead of Propofol, he'd still be alive, although bored," Coulter quips.
[Related: Yahoo Sports' full World Cup coverage]
It's not violent enough for Coulter.
"The prospect of either personal humiliation or major injury is required to count as a sport," she writes. "Most sports are sublimated warfare."
In American football, she writes, "ambulances carry off the wounded. After a soccer game, every player gets a ribbon and a juice box."
And despite the stellar ratings that Sunday's USA-Portugal game received in the United States (18.2 million viewers, according to ESPN), Coulter doesn't believe the sport is actually catching on here.
"The same people trying to push soccer on Americans are the ones demanding that we love HBO's 'Girls,' light-rail, Beyoncé and Hillary Clinton," she writes. "The number of New York Times articles claiming soccer is 'catching on' is exceeded only by the ones pretending women's basketball is fascinating."
Coulter claims she's not the only one bored by soccer in the States. "One group of sports fans with whom soccer is not 'catching on' at all, is African-Americans," Coulter writes. "They remain distinctly unimpressed by the fact that the French like it.
"If more 'Americans' are watching soccer today, it's only because of the demographic switch effected by Teddy Kennedy's 1965 immigration law," Coulter adds. "I promise you: No American whose great-grandfather was born here is watching soccer. One can only hope that, in addition to learning English, these new Americans will drop their soccer fetish with time."
Soccer fans were not exactly impressed:
Ann Coulter’s column about soccer is the worst thing ever written http://t.co/BcnMlosEBp— Awful Announcing (@awfulannouncing) June 26, 2014
One of the best things about soccer becoming popular in America is how angry it makes Ann Coulter http://t.co/vm4bo55TqO— John Aziz (@azizonomics) June 26, 2014
"In soccer, the blame is dispersed. There are no heroes, no losers, no accountability." Ann Coulter self-satirises. http://t.co/4FZvGYopII— Political Animal (@politic_animal) June 26, 2014
Ann Coulter complaining about the length of soccer games, which are by far the shortest of major televised sports, is the best— kevin lincoln (@KTLincoln) June 26, 2014
Ann Coulter hates soccer? Ugh. OK, I guess I'll start watching it now.— Eli Braden (@EliBraden) June 26, 2014
Ann Coulter wrote a paranoid, xenophobic rant about how soccer is destroying America. Soccer has officially made it! http://t.co/kSqPBJndmy— Awful Announcing (@awfulannouncing) June 26, 2014
Can we put an angry Luis Suarez in a room together with Ann Coulter for an hour?— Cristian Nyari (@Cnyari) June 26, 2014
Alexi Lalas, ESPN soccer analyst and former member of the U.S. World Cup team, took the high road.