America, we have a problem: Florida to be headquarters for U.S. Space Force

“Great news for Florida! Patrick Space Force Base has received final approval to become the permanent headquarters for STARCOM, bolstering Florida's growing leadership in space.”  – Senator Marco Rubio (R-Fla.), May 21, 2024

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May 21, 2044:

It has been 20 years since Florida became the permanent headquarters for the U.S. Space Training and Readiness Command (STARCOM.)

While it was imagined in 2024 that STARCOM would prepare and train combat-ready United States Space Force troops for outer space combat, the unit’s forward operations base on Mars has turned into a tourist trap dotted with Waffle Houses, high-rise condos filled with the state’s excess elderly, and a high-speed, crater-to-crater train service that most rover drivers find too expensive.

Without Earthly regulations on animal abuse, greyhound racing has become a regular attraction at the STARCOM Kennel Club. And the Hard Boulder casino, scheduled to open next season, will be pitched to tourists looking for all the thrills, and none of the congestion and climate-change flooding found in South Florida.

A plan to host a Miami Dolphins home game in space is being finalized, pending NASA approval of the stress testing of the helmets.

Pentagon officials have been grousing, almost from the start, that Florida’s appropriation of the space base has had little to do with its military mission.

“If anything, it has degraded the mission,” one Pentagon official said. “Who knew that by going to a new planet, we’d have toll roads everywhere and two left lanes blocked in all directions?”

Some national leaders have acknowledged that relying on Florida for our space warfare needs might have been a risky strategy.

“Looking back on it, we probably should have gone with another state,” President Jared Kushner said from his vacation palace in Saudi Arabia.

After years of ignoring climate change, affordable housing and sound growth management, Florida officials looked at the STARCOM base as both a new business opportunity and a dumping ground for its mistakes.

Giant mounds on Mars that are visible from space are the radioactive phosphogypsum piles that are a byproduct in Florida’s fertilizer industry.

Even the recent discovery of water on Mars seems to be influenced by Florida.

“We were shocked to see the Mars water is contaminated by toxic blue-green algae,” a NASA scientist said.

The transferral of Florida’s environment to space has taken other forms. For example, the carelessness of former Florida pet owners has now created a Burmese python infestation in the STARCOM facility.

Getting rid of the snakes will probably be easier than getting rid of the abandoned charter schools, Circle Ks, Red Lobsters and seashell stores on the main drag from the ghost dunes and the Hellas basin.

Due to a lack of code enforcement on the planet, creamed corn wrestling at strip clubs, drive-thru liquor stores, and the open-carry laser weapons have become commonplace.

Space Force troops have not had to face any foreign adversaries, but they have had to dodge ethical questions over their attendance at political fundraisers held at the planet’s most influential private club, Mars-a-Lago.

Critics of the state’s role in space combat had warned, almost from the start, that this was not a good fit for Florida.

“We’re clearly overdeveloping Mars in a haphazard way,” one environmental planner said. “Do we really need another Florida Skunk Ape roadside research facility in this universe?”

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With no real plan to deal with its aging population, Florida began promoting its Vista del Mars senior living communities and sending retirees by the thousands to populate the areas around the STARCOM forward base.

This population shift accelerated after the state ran out of coastline for new high-priced real estate projects.

“It was just a matter of time before we’d have to start dumping old folks into outer space,” one industry lobbyist said. “We usually soft-pedal it at first. We tell them, ‘Don’t worry. It’s just for the season.’

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“The good news is we can guarantee them instant weight loss and longer golf drives in their new lower-gravity condos. The bad news is the average temperature is below zero. ‘Bring a sweater,’ we say.”

Once there, these seniors tend to stay.

“It helps enormously that their children are happier having them on another planet.”

Frank Cerabino is a news columnist with The Palm Beach Post, which is part of the Gannett Newspapers group.

This article originally appeared on Palm Beach Post: Florida now headquarters Space Force STARCOM. Talk about space cadets